February 2002

Martha Stewart Leaves K-Mart: Opens Christian Human Body Parts Store

Editor's Note:  This article was originally published when Martha Stewart first opened her Christian Prosthetics Outlet at Landover Christian Mall.  Church officials expect the store to continue to thrive despite Mrs. Stewart's indictment for obstruction of justice and securities fraud and the Security and Exchange Commission's inevitable civil lawsuit against her for insider trading.  The store's profits continued to skyrocket even after Mrs. Stewart was first accused of wrongdoing.  "True Christians are just glad the laws she broke are some of the more silly man-made laws and that she remains innocent of breaking any of God's law," noted Pastor Deacon Fred.

WALL STREET JOURNAL - With news of lackluster sales and peril of bankruptcy at retailer K-Mart, marketing doyenne Martha Stewart announced that she is abandoning ship. “Frankly,” said Ms. Stewart, while firing one of her whisk designers for having an odd air about him, ”We’ve done market studies and there just aren’t enough Pentecostals in this country to have a big enough market for the cheap plastic crap K-Mart sells. While I’m willing to attach my name to successful garbage if the price is right, as a business woman, I can’t afford to be associated with unsuccessful crap!”

Within hours of admitting her long-speculated-about departure from K-Mart, Ms. Stewart announced that she would be focusing her attention on the flagship store of her new retail chain “An Eye for an Eye” at Landover Baptist Christian Mall. An Eye for an Eye will be competing with Dr. Severed’s well-established, “Panorama of Prosthetics Outlet.” Both stores specialize in selling sinless plastic body parts to Christians who have been betrayed by their own bodies. True Christians are told by the Lord Jesus that if any body part might cause them to sin, it is best that they cut it off.

“And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched . . . . And if thy foot offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter halt into life, than having two feet to be cast into hell, into the fire than never shall be quenched . . . . And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire” (Mark 9:43-47; see also Matthew 5:29-30; 18:8-9; Luke 20:46-47).

“Normally, no American Christian who isn’t spit at in public would dream of actually doing what Jesus said.” Pastor Deacon Fred remarked at the ribbon cutting ceremony. “For example, no one gives away all their possessions. I mean, what would be the point of praying for new stuff every day, if you are just going to give what the generous Lord gives you to trash? That would be sort of rude. But with that September 11 craziness, and fundraising being down, me and Brother Pat Robertson are reminding folks that the end is near! People are getting ready for Glory - taking inventory of their sins and chopping off body parts like Lorraina Bobbit on a crystal meth binge! And business is booming!” laughed Pastor Deacon Fred. “We’ve had Dr. Severed’s Panorama of Prosthetics Outlet in this mall for 25-years but with the addition of Ms. Stewart’s “Eye for an Eye” store we’re already attracting some of her fancy clients. Truly, has the Lord created anything more sinful than Michael Jackson’s nose? He’s been in here twice this week for a new one. And it’s only Tuesday!”

While not a born-again Christian, Martha Stewart saw a golden marketing opportunity in the recent spate of Christians removing body parts to get ready to appear before the White Throne of Judgment. “White goes with anything - except bone - which has really freed us up to lots of kicky things with color!” said Ms. Stewart. “And it’s like my dear, dear friend Barbra Streisand told me when she made her last Christmas CD, you don’t have to be Christian to make a buck off them!”

While Dr. Severed’s store still attracts clients like 17-year-old Samuel Scat, who was ordered by his parents to amputate his middle finger and have his prostrate replaced after they discovered that the gold ring he was wearing was actually a kernel of corn, “An Eye for an Eye’s” first patrons were an unmarried couple, ecstatic to have such handsome and affordable body parts available between the “Modest Hemlines from Neiman Marcus” and the “Solid Gold Calves” store. “You can’t just cut something off without having anything to replace it with, if for no other reason than appearance,” noted Bobby Lee Williams as he longingly fingered his way through a case of artificial testicles outside of his price range. Bobby Lee’s girl friend was unable to express her opinion as she has yet to receive the prosthetic tongue she recently ordered.

America’s Best Christian, Mrs. Betty Bowers was not so sanguine about the new store. In a press release, she stated: “This, of course, has nothing to do with Betty Bowers Christian Ministries Holding’s hostile takeover of Martha Stewart Omnimedia - or whatever it is she is calling that shell of a company she owns, but I honestly think that An Eye for an Eye is serving the Prince of Darkness, not the Lord. After all, I don’t think that when the Lord Jesus invited people to remove offending body parts, that He intended for them to trade UP! I don’t pretend to have a breadth of knowledge of such things, unlike Dora Denkins, but surely three 12-inch penises in “Octoroon” should have lasted Martha at least a week! And a 14-inch cut-penis in “Caucasian” should be a special order item only. But according to my spies, she is selling both items like hotcakes, while the 6, 7 and 8 inch penises gather dust. As any white Christian housewife can tell you, these male customers should be ordering tongues, too, because they are lying when they order replacements!”

Sloughing off nemesis Mrs. Bowers’ criticisms, Ms. Stewart was very excited about new products to be introduced at the store. “Whereas God uses a rather pedestrian palette closely associated with cheap, Malaysian handiwork, I’m offering shoppers an opportunity to be more expressive with complementary hues. Why not finish off a new vulva in putty with a pair of labias in raspberry? My line of quality body parts allows you the versatility to swap out colors and sizes to suit your mood, budget and psychotic need for attention!”



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