February 2003

Salvation Evaluation Committee Expels 21 Church Officials

Scriptural Violations Made Public in Chart Form Below

Freehold Iowa -  The Bible Edict Enforcement Subcommittee of the Landover Baptist Salvation Evaluation Committee announced this week that fewer members were permanently barred from further church attendance in 2003 than ever before in modern church history.  In total, the Personal Background Audit of 2002 resulted in a mere 2,782 dismissals.  “Hopefully, this number reflects the fact that people Biblically ineligible to enter God’s home are finally wising up and not bothering to apply for membership,” noted subcommittee chairman, Brother Harry Hardwick.  “Everyone has known for years that the unsaved – those who don’t believe in Jesus – aren’t welcome in our homes, restaurants or barber shops, let alone in our church.  Jesus tells us over and over in the New Testament that we are not to associate or commune with non-Christians (Romans 16:17; 2 Corinthians 6:14-17; 1 John 2:15; 1 Corinthians 5:9-11, etc.).  Sure, we should witness to them, our schedules permitting, but dropping ‘Turn or Burn’ tracks into a filthy vagrant’s hands on your way to your favorite bistro is a far cry from letting the soiled, smelly sinner sit in the pew next to your children.  Unfortunately, what many folks previously failed to realize is that merely being a Christian is, by far, not the only prerequisite to admission to a True Christian™ church.” 

While overall expulsions are on the decline, this year’s audit resulted in termination of the largest number of deacons and Sunday school teachers ever expelled in a single calendar year.  The following list of expelled instructors (and their expelled families) is provided so that all parents will know whether their children must repeat a Sunday school grade.

2003 Church Expulsions of Landover Baptist Deacons/Sunday School Instructors

Jack Michaelson Diagnosed with testicular cancer in November, 2002 “He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord” (Deuteronomy 23:2).
Marcus Morgan Dismembered by his now-incarcerated wife after a violent family argument
John Smith (the one at 256 Hosea Heights Blvd.) Married Hu Nan Tran "One of the children of Israel came and brought unto his brethen a Midianitish woman…And when Phineas… saw it, he rose up from among the congregation, and took a javelin in his hand; And he went after the man of Israel into the tent, and thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly.  So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel” (Numbers 25:6-8).

"Neither shalt thou make marriages with them [of other nations]; thy daughter thou shalt not give unto his son, nor his daughter shalt thou take unto thy son” (Deuteronomy 7:3).

Joseph O’Brien Married Bulah Washington
Patrick Donaldson Married Obidiah el Refghaniluk
Adrian Wisenstock (the one at 87925 Leviticus Acres Dr.) Married Maria del estanto la en Sangrato di Belatto
Matthew Martin (the one at 7859874 N. Retribution Road) Married Greta Heinenstopf
James Alton His parents divorced shortly before his birth. “A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the Lord” (Deuteronomy 23:2).

"But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery” (Matthew 5:32).

Jonathan Wilson (the one at 853A249 Joshua Lane, Unit #5) Family tree reveals his great, great, great grandmother never married.
Mark Peterson
John Cartwright
Peter Simon
Jay Walthrop
Robert Haldron
Their mothers were married before their current “marriages” to the boys’ fathers, thus making them illegitimate offspring
Andrew Allen Herniated disc in lower back at L4-L5 level And the Lord spake unto Moses, saying, Speak unto Aaron, saying, Whosoever he be of thy seed in their generations that hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God.  For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous.  Or  a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded, Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken” (Leviticus 21:16-20).
David Myers Nose smashed in during senior year as Landover high quarterback, 1992-93
Randall Doyal Recently developed polio and is confined to a wheelchair
Christopher Wright Suffers from mild melonoma
Phillip Rodgers At least one of his ancestors  lived in Ammon "An Ammonite or Moabite shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord; even to their tenth generation shall they not enter into the congregation of the Lord for ever” (Deuteronomy 23:3).
Carl Moore At least one of his ancestors lived in Moab
Donald Rumathan (the one on Route 444) During his college years, he once met John Ashcroft and assisted the Attorney General with his anointing ritual "And thou shalt speak unto the children of Israel, saying, This shall be an holy anointing oil unto me throughout your generations.  Upon man’s flesh shall it not be poured, neither shall ye make any other like it, after the composition of it: it is holy, and it shall be holy unto you.  Whosoever compoundeth any like it, or whsoever putteth any of it upon a stranger, shall even be cut off from his people” (Exxodus 30:31-33).

The subcommittee’s annual audit involves extensive probing into the personal, financial, medical and genealogical history of every church member and his family, from Pastor Deacon Fred all the way to the poorest back-row seat, late-service-only, tin-level tithing lesser member.  Every aspect of each church member’s life and family history is examined under a microscope to determine if there are any background facts that forbid that person’s and his family’s entry into the church.  Each of this year’s dismissals was based on at least one Bible verse prohibiting church attendance by the guilty party.

“It is shocking to learn that some of our parishioners were taught the Lord’s word by someone who has no business being in church in the first place,” observed a clearly distraught Pastor Deacon Fred.  “As a result of the subcommittee’s investigation, all the children taught by these former members must be held back a grade so they can be told what to believe by someone who belongs in God’s home.”  Pastor was quick to note that while the students will be held back in Sunday school grades, they may advance to the next level in their home schooling programs.


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