March 2002

In Surprise Gesture, God Damns ABC's Diane Sawyer Straight To Hell!

Excerpt of the Diane Sawyer Interview With Betty Bowers about her new Book "What Would Betty Do?"

Diane: I have just finished reading your new book "What Would Betty Do?" I have to say that it is absolutely brilliant. Did you have any help in writing it?

Betty: No, in marked contradistinction to our Blessed Lord, I don't need a Trinity to put together a testament about how I wish things done, dear. I like to think of my book as being the Even Newer, Better Written Testament. You see, "What Would Betty Do?" picks up where the two previous testaments that the Lord scribbled left off - only mine, of course, in a radical departure from the Lord's literary efforts, actually makes sense, tries to be consistent and has a central character who wears expensive shoes.

Diane: I was a little surprised by how both Jesus and God play supporting roles in the book, with you constantly being the center of attention.

Betty: Yes, well I thought it was charming - and rather shrewd - of the Lord to inspire me not to squander many pages talking about Them. After all, they certainly have already had the chance to help people - and, from all reliable indications, thoroughly botched the job! Fortunately for everyone, I was more than willing to step selflessly into the breach.

Diane: What can people familiar with your website expect to see that is different in your book?

Betty: Well, my website exists primarily to acquaint the general public with the fact that their most earnest attempts to be Christian are laughably feeble in comparison to even my most inadvertent gesture. Now that that Good News is out - that is, that everyone else is going straight to Hell - I thought it was time to actually provide insights that might rescue the less saved from the fires of the unholy Hell Jesus has painstakingly stoked for them and which they so richly deserve. Therefore, "What Would Betty Do?" provides countless Spiritual Survival Tips and heretofore secret looks into the personal diary of America's Best Christian.

Diane: "What Would Betty Do?" is so wonderful, I don't know why your dear friend Laura Bush has been using an old charcoal grill on the front lawn of the White House to burn copies of it.

Betty: Well, just as long as she keeps buying them, I really don't care what she does with them once the charge has been approved. It is somewhat of a surprise though -- a woman who has spent almost 2% of her life being a librarian - and over 20% of her life talking about it - actually burning books. I never even knew she was Southern Baptist. Apparently, she's just angry about me including discussions with her appallingly dysfunctional family. You see, I took advantage of being the only one sober to actually recall what occurred. Rather than thanking me for filling her in on what she actually said, she fired up her gas grill. Such outrageous ingratitude!

Diane: The scuttlebutt in New York is that you are at odds with your publisher Simon & Schuster over "What Would Betty Do?"

Betty: Yes, yes, I'm furious with them. Here I altruistically divulge my fabulous, patented secrets to salvation, and they make this invaluable information available in all retail outlets. Even Barnes & Noble - which doesn't even pretend to be a Christian bookstore!

Diane: What is the problem with "What Would Betty Do?" being available at all bookstores? Doesn't that get your message to more people?

Betty: Well, that's precisely the problem, dear. All sorts of annoying trash - just the most odious people -- that I have scrupulously avoid here on Earth - now have access to the secrets that will qualify them for the "Ten Sins or Less" express line in Heaven. It is hard enough to avoid the truly dreadful here in Earth, where they only have a finite amount of time to find you! It is unconscionable of Simon & Schuster to render my afterlife an unrelenting torment simply to make several millions dollars off of my unassailable name. Allowing my salvation secrets to get into all the wrong hands will absolutely defeat the purpose of an afterlife. After all, if Heaven is just going to involve running into all the same people you avoid here on Earth, what will be the point?

Diane: My sources tell me that you have threatened very serious consequences if the book is not withdrawn immediately from bookstores.

Betty: My, how the secular, unsaved media exaggerate!

Diane: Didn't you threatened to fly your ministry Gulfstream jet into Statue of Liberty if Simon & Schuster didn't capitulate to your list of 327 demands?

Betty: Well, they may be true, but it isn't as bad as you make it sound, dear. I had absolutely no intention of actually being in the plane at the time. See? You people in the media are so quick to sensationalize! I leave wildly unbalanced suicidal gestures to deranged Muslims. And, of course, my Personal Savior.

Diane: Isn't your personal shopper Anne Thrope currently staging a hunger strike in the lobby of Simon & Schuster's office?

Betty: Yes, I chained her to their receptionist's desk sometime last week. I was going to fasten her to the Publisher, but I thought he might like that - which would somewhat defeat the purpose of her being there.

Diane: What is the purpose of Miss Thrope being there?

Betty: Anne is going to stay there, thoroughly underfoot, and not eat a single bite until they withdraw "What Would Betty Do?" from bookstores. She hasn't eaten since last Wednesday. I phoned her from a lovely lunch I was having at the Maya's and she said she was afraid if she didn't eat by today she might expire. Naturally, I don't wish for her to die - no other personal shopper in my employ knows both my published and actual sizes for everything from shoes to chapeaux. But if Simon & Schuster doesn't capitulate to my reasonable demands, die she must! That is just how strongly I feel about this. Never call me a woman who is not willing to stand behind her convictions, dear.

Diane: Don't you think that is a little dramatic and bit of an overreaction?

Betty: How dare you second-guess me. Not at all.

Diane: How do you figure?

Betty: Very simply. When I am angry, I always compare my wrath to that of the Lord to determine if I am being a bit melodramatic. Using this simple point of reference to gauge the ferocity of any given response, I find that I am always rather prudent and mild tempered. For example, I always manage to eschew gestures that are tantamount to killing all the first-borns in a country simply out of an ornery pique. Or causing billions of people unfathomable misery simply because I catch a woman at the market biting into a piece of fruit I would prefer she not eat. Or drowning the entire world just because I have made a mess out of making things I actually like.

Diane: But you don't have the power to wipe out humanity, Mrs. Bowers.

Betty: You've clearly never been on the wrong end of one of my frosty glares at a cocktail party, dear.

Diane: Mrs. Bowers, you are such an inspiration to me.

Betty: Naturally. After all, who else can get Barbara Walters to actually stop talking for a few minutes? Even when she's eating.

Diane: Could you show me your secrets to having confirmed reservations in the VIC --Very Important Christian -- lounge in Heaven? Witnessing your sublime command of life, makes me want to accept Jesus Christ as my Personal Savior! Could you please save me?

Betty:Normally, I would certainly think about it. But there really isn't time, dear.

Diane: Is the apocalypse that imminent?

Betty: Not the apocalypse, silly the annual shoe sale a Barney's.

Diane: [CRYING] I'm begging you. You may be my last hope. What a tragedy it is not to be just like you. Please help me!

Betty: If I wait one more minute, all the best styles will be squandered on women who can't possibly pull them off. Now, that would be a tragedy.

Diane: Please save me!

Betty: Dear, the only saving I'm going to be doing this afternoon is 40% on Manolo Blahniks. Good day, dear.



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