March 2002




God is Furious Over the Widespread Use of Anti-Anxiety Medications


After a two-year clinical study involving hundreds of Christians, creation scientists at Landover Baptist University for the Saved have concluded that the use of mood altering medications have completely destroyed man's already volatile relationship with God. "The Lord doesn't ask much of us," said Dr. Wigginred, "I'm not sure if this is just because He has such low expectations of our ability or inclination to comply with more onerous requests or His mind wandered after making a few specific demands. In any event, one of the few things the Lord demands of us is to be scared s---less of Him. Thou shalt fear the LORD thy God. Deuteronomy 6:13"

The trembling fear of God that was inculcated in humans since the time Eve got a little expansive in her fresh produce shopping and was angrily evicted served humanity well until the end of the past century. During the 1980s and 1990s, however, millions of Americans began popping Prozac and Xanax like they were breath mints. Suddenly, Americans were no longer afraid of or anxious about God. "It's like that scene in the Wizard of Oz," observed Pastor Harry Hardwick. "Toto pulls back the curtain on the Wizard and, suddenly, no one is afraid of him anymore."

"Fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. Matthew 10:28 It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. Hebrews 10:31" bellowed Pastor Deacon Fred, reciting scripture from memory. "You see, the Lord was very emphatic that He wanted humans to whimper in a corner like battered wives every time they think of the wrathful deity who created them and is just itching to get angry with them. And as if to underscore the legitimacy of that fear, the Blessed Lord has gone out of His way to keep His mortal creations off balance by flying down from the clouds every so often and killing a whole mess of them. But too many people are taking medicines that lessen their ability to fear and this is making it impossible for them to obey the Lord. As such, every time they refill their prescription, they are one exit sign further down the superhighway to the Hell they deserve."

Christian experts say that Americans inability to fear God has reached crisis proportions. "We tried confiscating the congregations Prozac and Zoloft at the door," said Mrs. Betty Bowers, "but you should have seen the panic and commotion! Frankly, it was easier to make off with Whitney Houston's crack pipe last week. Besides, I had forgotten what most of my brothers and sisters in Christ are like in their unmedicated state. Maybe the Lord can suffer them all paranoid and edgy, but I can't. I immediately returned all their prescriptions -- and added a few new ones for lithium. Not a moment too soon, I might add."

Faced with the a citizenry that is medicating itself away from the Lord, Creation Scientists are working on new drugs to bring Christians back into the wrathful arms of God. The first such product to get FDA approval is Salvacil, a tiny blue pill that is so powerful after just 25 milligrams, the Bible appears to make perfect sense.
 

 

 



 

 






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