EFFECT LINKED TO URBAN SPRAWL IN HELL
The Holy Bible has once again disproven
modern science. Scientists have blamed the greenhouse effect (the heating
of the Earth's atmosphere) on everything from fossil fuel pollution to
aerosol spray cans to sheep and cow flatulation. Landover pastors have
determined that the cause is far more simple: overpopulation in Hell. The
Bible says that Hell is an eternal furnace in which the corpses of sinners
are roasted. Naturally, the more kindling you have for the fire, the stronger
it becomes. As sin flourishes, oppressive heat may ultimately be the mechanism
for the inevitable apocalypse.
SPOTS VIRGIN MOTHER IN BOWEL MOVEMENT
FREEHOLD IA-- After relieving himself
of Tuesday night's Chalupa surprise dinner, José Hernandez was shocked
when he found the Mother of Jesus staring up at him out of the toilet bowl.
Four hours later, after transporting his stool to a local Catholic church,
thousands of Mary worshippers were lined up to scratch and sniff the Virgin
Mother. Later that week it was found that the display violated several
sanitation ordinances, thereby allowing the Godly members of Landover Baptist
church to act on the Lord's behalf. Health inspectors issued 14 citations
against the Roman Church. In addition, they carted away a partially decomposed
shrunken saint's head, and a small glass vial marked "Seed of Jesus."
YOUTH MINISTER BITES HEAD OFF DOVE
FREEHOLD, IA--Richard Larson, 28,
a newly hired minister for the Landover Baptist youth group, bit the head
off a white dove Monday night. "Baptist children are innocent white doves,"
he said, with blood dripping down his chin. "Satan wants to bite your head
off and send you to Hell!" Larson added that every child at the meeting
re-dedicated their lives to Christ that night... out of Godly fear.
A Vegetarian Communion will be served
to Landover members who wish to refrain from eating red meat.
STICKER REMOVED ALONG WITH CAR
Landover Security impounds a blue
Volvo in "Calvary" parking lot for having "Gore 2000" bumper sticker. "It
must have been some sort of sick joke," laments Pastor Deacon Fred. "But
they aren't getting that car back until they apologize before the entire
9 o'clock service."
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