GREENHOUSE EFFECT LINKED TO URBAN SPRAWL IN HELL 
The Holy Bible has once again disproven modern science. Scientists have blamed the greenhouse effect (the heating of the Earth's atmosphere) on everything from fossil fuel pollution to aerosol spray cans to sheep and cow flatulation. Landover pastors have determined that the cause is far more simple: overpopulation in Hell. The Bible says that Hell is an eternal furnace in which the corpses of sinners are roasted. Naturally, the more kindling you have for the fire, the stronger it becomes. As sin flourishes, oppressive heat may ultimately be the mechanism for the inevitable apocalypse. 

DRUNK MEXICAN SPOTS VIRGIN MOTHER IN BOWEL MOVEMENT 
FREEHOLD IA-- After relieving himself of Tuesday night's Chalupa surprise dinner, José Hernandez was shocked when he found the Mother of Jesus staring up at him out of the toilet bowl. Four hours later, after transporting his stool to a local Catholic church, thousands of Mary worshippers were lined up to scratch and sniff the Virgin Mother. Later that week it was found that the display violated several sanitation ordinances, thereby allowing the Godly members of Landover Baptist church to act on the Lord's behalf. Health inspectors issued 14 citations against the Roman Church. In addition, they carted away a partially decomposed shrunken saint's head, and a small glass vial marked "Seed of Jesus." 

RADICAL YOUTH MINISTER BITES HEAD OFF DOVE
FREEHOLD, IA--Richard Larson, 28, a newly hired minister for the Landover Baptist youth group, bit the head off a white dove Monday night. "Baptist children are innocent white doves," he said, with blood dripping down his chin. "Satan wants to bite your head off and send you to Hell!" Larson added that every child at the meeting re-dedicated their lives to Christ that night... out of Godly fear. 

VEGETARIAN COMMUNION
A Vegetarian Communion will be served to Landover members who wish to refrain from eating red meat. 

GORE BUMPER STICKER REMOVED ALONG WITH CAR 
Landover Security impounds a blue Volvo in "Calvary" parking lot for having "Gore 2000" bumper sticker. "It must have been some sort of sick joke," laments Pastor Deacon Fred. "But they aren't getting that car back until they apologize before the entire 9 o'clock service."