48-year-old Rebecca Sunnybrook and her husband, Rhett, had been well-liked members of Landover for over 25 years. As members of the church choir and owners of permanent Landover seats (albeit, in the lower church level), Mrs. Sunnybrook and her husband were middle-income Freehold residents, living in the modest but clean Hosiah Heights subdivision. Now a widow, until last week, Mrs. Sunnybrook ran "God's Favorite Children Kindergarten," the school she and her husband established in which the youngsters of Landover's most prominent and well-heeled families were taught. Her husband passed away five years ago at the age of 52 from colon cancer. "That should have alerted us that something was terribly wrong with that family," reported a distraught Pastor Ebeneezer Smith. "When someone dies at such a young age from an old person's disease, it can only mean one thing – demons."
Demons, indeed. For what Landover discovered just last week about that woman was nothing short of shocking. After a full one-day investigation, the Ladies of Landover discovered that Mrs. Sunnybrook is, in reality, one of Satan's minions who had been polluting the minds of Landover's elite children for over two decades. "That perverted woman had been trying to corrupt our children right under our noses," noted Ladies of Landover (LOL) president, sister Taffy Crockett. "She had been trying to turn our boys into disgusting fairies and our girls into feminazi lesbians!"
The controversy began when Brother Harry Hardwick, an honorary Landover pastor, demanded that the Ladies of Landover look into God's Favorite Children. "Over the years, I had one or two discipline problems with my children each year. I never knew why. Now I do. It was that woman," the understandably furious pastor noted. Brother Harry's suspicion arose just two weeks ago. "I came home from work and heard an unusual noise coming from one of my wife's walk-in closets. After about 15 minutes of searching the room, I found my youngest son in a corner, crying. Needless to say, I whipped that boy until I knew he wouldn't be able to sit down for a week. The very idea of a Hardwick boy crying! I was about to whip his mother for allowing this to happen, but Heather told me she had strictly admonished all the boys to refrain from such feminine activity. My son later told me he was crying about a sad story that teacher had told the children that day. When I asked him whether his teacher knew he had cried about the story, he responded, ‘Yes, sir, she doesn't mind.'"
"Well, that was all I needed to hear," Brother Harry reported. "I immediately phoned my friend, Daniel Crockett, and asked him to order his wife and her organization to look into this matter." Crockett so instructed his wife, and several of the Ladies of Landover spent the day at the kindergarten the following Monday. What they discovered was mind-boggling. "You would think that woman would have the good sense not to practice her demonic rituals when she knows members of the LOL are watching," Sister Taffy noted. "But she was absolutely brazen and made no attempt to conceal her Satanic activities."
"What I saw nearly overcame my weak heart," stated Mrs. Judy O'Christian, co-president of the LOL. "For starters, they had coloring books that didn't have a single picture of baby Jesus! All of those books were secular, which we all know is just another word for Satanic." Landover News has obtained a copy of some of the coloring books. There were pictures of little midgets which the book said should be painted green and called leprechauns (which Landover's ladies knew are men infected by height-stifling demons who carry on the works of the devil in God-starved Ireland). In a deliberate attempt to thwart the teaching of Creationism and poke fun at the Bible, there were pictures of dinosaurs which the book said roamed the Earth millions of years ago (before God even created the Earth!).
But what shocked the ladies even more than the subliminal appeals to Satan was the fact that the widow Sunnybrook actually had boys coloring the pictures as well as girls. "It was disgusting!" reported sister Taffy. "That woman made no attempt to distinguish between boys' activities and girls' activities. She had them all performing the same tasks. Is it any wonder several of our young people over the years have had sexual identity crises? They all stem from that devil's liberal teachings."
"We saw boys and girls running with each other and playing tag at recess," noted Mrs. O'Christian. "Why, in my day, boys and girls weren't even allowed in the same classroom. In that woman's school, they were doing everything together. It's a wonder she didn't have them wear each other's clothes. Perhaps that was next on her little homo agenda."
By Noon, the Ladies had tolerated all they could. While Mrs. O'Christian called the children's parents and instructed them to pick up their youngsters, sister Taffy took the widow Sunnybrook to the basement of the main church sanctuary where interrogations take place. Widow Sunnybrook all but admitted to attempting to disrupt the innate heterosexuality of the children and convince them to practice a pastime of homosexuality. Landover News obtained a copy of the transcript of sister Taffy's questioning. Landover News warns readers that reading the interview should be avoided by those with weak stomachs. Recognizing that her deviance had been discovered, the widow Sunnybrook weeped throughout the interview. Just a few excerpts reveal the debauchery practiced by this woman on our precious young folks:
Sister Taffy: Did you or did you not tell the boys that it was OK for them to cry?
Sunnybrook: [Sobbing] I just wanted them to know that it's perfectly natural to show their emotions."
Sister Taffy: Blasphemy! They're boys, for goodness sake. Did you show the children movies that make no reference to God? We found a copy of "Dr. Doolittle" on your desk.
Sunnybrook: I just showed children's movies, and . . .
Sister Taffy: A grown man talking to animals! You must know only someone truly possessed by the devil, himself, could talk to animals.
Sunnybrook: But it's just a fantasy movie, and I don't see . . .
Sister Taffy: We also found a Harry Potter book on your desk. Aren't you aware of the Landover edict that all books by that demon were to be destroyed at the last church book burning?
Sunnybrook: I just read the children
an innocent story from the book.
Sister Taffy: Did you have girls playing kickball with the boys!?
Sunnybrook: I just wanted to show the girls that there is nothing they can't accomplish, that they're just as good as boys, and . . .
That was all sister Taffy needed to hear.
"We now know why the offspring of several of our most prominent members have turned out so perverted," reported Pastor Deacon Fred. "There's the Wilkins boy who ran off to Sin Francisco and became a hair dresser, the Miller twin girls who became tag team mud wrestlers, and the Cruise boy who went on to become a movie star. Their parents thought it was their fault. We now know it's the Sunnybrooks' fault."
Christian therapist, Mrs. Betty Bowers, was equally distraught. Mrs. Bowers runs the nation's most effective ex-gay ministry, Christians Are Saving Homosexuals. "I spend day, sometimes weeks, convincing people to give up the hobby of homosexuality. When more conventional therapies fail, I am sometimes forced to use electroshock and isolation, and on a few occasions, I have even been compelled to refer subjects to a neurosurgeon for a lobotomy. None of that would have to occur if women like this were stopped, and if those instructing our children were required to respect the completely separate identity of boys and girls and to recognize that each gender has its own place in society."
Widow Sunnybrook was expelled from the church last week. She vowed to remain in Freehold to "exonerate myslef and restore my good name." However, purely coincidentally, as fate would have it, while shopping this past weekend, both the school and her house caught fire due to spontaneous combustion and both burned to the ground before Freehold firefighters arrived. The widow has now wisely decided to move on, probably to some predominantly Democrat county which accepts her homo teachings.
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