April 2000

Alfred Hitchcock’s “American Psycho” is nothing more than a perverted sequel to his pornographic love letter to cross-dressing from almost forty years ago. Only this time, instead of just Connie Steven’s blood in the shower, you’ll want the whole thing to go down the drain!

This film has been seen and reviewed by God using the eyes of a Landover Baptist Pastor. The Pastor and the Lord have not been so disgusted with a moving picture since five consecutive viewings of an Ecuadorian snuff film 4 months ago. But our Pastor and the Lord subject themselves to such secular filth so that you and your Christian family won’t have to! Indeed, this film shall not be viewed by anyone in the congregation or any of their relatives (to the fifth cousin). Monitors are being placed outside of the Rialto theater downtown and license numbers will be taken and published in the Church newsletter and local paper – with corresponding vehicle owner pictures displayed. Anyone caught even tentatively making their way to the theater will be disciplined before the 9am service and fined in an amount painful enough to suit the apparent absence of decency involved with the crime of watching such garbage. Anything you need to know about this film for witnessing purposes can be found below.

"Let me start out by saying that 84 pound actor, Leonardo DeCaprio (a sissy if I ever did see one) is so possessed by Satan that his very appearance has been physically altered by demonic forces. The director of the film doesn't want you to know it's DeCaprio, but it is. Don't question it.  Don't try looking for it. Satan covered his face with make-up so you won't be able to tell it's him unless you have a close enough walk with the Lord to see through Devil's smoke-screen.

In the opening scene, Leonardo fakes his own drowning on a luxury cruise ship. He makes it look like his wife (played by backslidden Baptist, Ashley Judd – typecast as a harlot who can afford a carton of Lucky Menthols, but can’t spring for a pair of cotton panties) kills him. She ends up in jail with a woman who looks like that baby-drowner Susan Smith (only with hair conditioner). This frees Leonardo, the Psycho, to set out on a sex charged frenzy of blood lust. His goal? To impregnate a born-again Christian virgin girl with his demonic seed.

We are going to spare you the vile details, but we'll let you know that there is a sex-scene every 5.4 minutes. Every time Leonardo has relations with a virgin Christian girl, he returns one month later to see if the girl is pregnant with his demonic spawn. When she lies about not being pregnant, he quickly kills her and draws a check mark on her forehead. He kills her by sticking her head in a vice, which he turns until the two sides of the vice meet. As I watched her skull smash and splatter, I had the reaction any True Christian would: I screamed at the screen “Never mind her -- he is killing an unborn child!” The detective (played by Texas oil tycoon, Tommy Lee Jones, with make-up to make him appear to have a complexion alarmingly similar to faux-ostrich leather) is always hot on his tail. There are two homosexual rape scenes involving Mr. Jones (whom this church has just lost all respect for) and little Leonardo – and I don’t need to tell you who played the “woman” – both times. Even the sex between normal people is disgusting to watch. The violence is understandable since every single harlot in this film would have gotten worse at the hand of God, but the sex is just senseless and completely gratuitous. If God meant for decent folks to have sex when you could see what was going on, He never would have created night. 

The entire film is just a hodge-podge of some lunatic sex maniac trying to rape virgin Christian girls and get them pregnant. When the American Psycho finally succeeds in getting one of them to admit they are pregnant, it turns out to be some Catholic girl who bleeds from her hands. Her prissy priest (who, as usual, looks far too comfortable in the flowing gowns those Papist minions wear like  hostesses at a cocktail party) finds out she is pregnant and kills Leonardo. They wait for 2 years until the girl’s stomach is so huge it looks like the foil bulge on a ready pop Jiffy-Pop stovetop pop top. The priest performs a horrific 8th trimester partial birth abortion only to find that the girl’s stomach is filled with snakes. He stomps on the snakes heads with his Priest sling-back high-heels, the girl spins her head around a few times and vomits split pea soup, the priest falls out of a window and tumbles to his death down a long flight of stairs. The director of the film did not even have the decency to cover the priest's rear end when the wind catches his dress.

In the end, it turns out the whole thing was just a dream and Leonardo really died. In fact, most of the people on the cruise ship died. We are told that it sank, and his "wife" is really some girl he met on the ship who ends up spending the rest of her life unmarried and unaware that her heart and Joan Rivers jewelry belonged to an American Psycho.

Church members are encouraged to use this film review while witnessing to the unsaved. You may refer to the film as if you have seen it for yourself so that people will take your views seriously.



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