Within an hour of those newspapers leaving their respective presses, millions of Mary-Worshipers logged onto our church's website to avail themselves of our "Catholic Catamite Hotline" and qualify for free stun-guns and vials of communion-wine cyanide we were generously offering to the first 18,000 altar boys who logged on and provided a love-offering.

Regrettably, the response from Catholics desperate for the sanity of a Protestant church that doesn't handle reptiles or roll in the aisles gurgling nonsense was so great, it knocked our server off-line.

We regret any inconvenience to our saved Baptist friends who normally come to our church's Website to hear the Word of God.