May 2000

May 2000

Unsaved Idiots Sue Baptist Insurance Company 
Freehold, IA-- Catholics, non-Baptist Protestants and other non-Christians sued Landover Life Insurance Company last Tuesday. The crux of their complaint is that the insurer charges higher premiums for non-Landover members. The company answered the lawsuit by explaining that its premiums are based on Christian actuarial tables. They stated, "As True Christians, we base everything on the Bible and that includes Old Testament life expectancies. Therefore, our policies are written for an average life expectancy of about 247 years. We are willing to take the losses from Godly folks not always making it to 969 like Methuselah, but we are not about to take on the risk of insuring folks God has it out for. We will not be in the business of rewarding the damned." 

Landover Members Seek Part of Hunt Estate 
Freehold, IA--Mr. and Mrs. G. Reed, bronze level Landover members, intervened in the long-standing probate dispute over the estate of late industrialist, Howard Hunt. Under the terms of Hunt's will, all living relatives of Mr. Hunt, no matter how far removed, are to share in a portion of the gargantuan estate. Mr. Reed explained the couple's claim: "According to the Bible, which we know is inerrant, God violently killed all the sinners of the Earth, including the unborn sinners, with a giant flood, leaving only Noah and his family alive. My wife and I, along with Mr. Hunt, are descendants of Noah, hence we are entitled to a share of the Hunt fortune." Pastors expect additional Landover members to join the Reeds in the lawsuit. 

Long Haired Freaky People Need Not Apply 
Freehold, IA-- Students returning home in search of summer work will be surprised to find Christian signs placed in every window of every local business in Freehold Iowa. You are welcome to apply for work, but you should know ahead of time... you will not be hired until you learn to respect your God, your church, your community, and yourself. Hair trimmed neatly over the ears, not touching the collar, is acceptable for men. Jewelry on males will not be tolerated. If you don't like it, try Des Moines. You are not welcome here. 

Demon Posessed Liberal Arrested, Jailed 
Freehold, IA-- Local police arrested a man earlier this week for handing out anti-Christian literature and talking about evolution near church. He was taken into custody and will remain behind bars in the Freehold County Jail until his October 2nd trial date.

Jesus Will Show Up Sooner or Later!
Freehold, IA-- "And when he does," PK Jimmy Stone told his unsaved uncle, "He is fry your good-for-nothing unsaved butt in Hell while I sit up in Heaven and laugh!"

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