May 2000

Though the results are still unofficial, preliminary reports suggest Landover has won the National Soul Winning Contest and its main sanctuary will soon be furnished with a brand new gold-plated organ with computer-generated acoustics. Praise the Lord!

As God-fearing Landover members know, our church is a member of the Holy Alliance of Tenacious Righteous Evangelical Denominations, an elite group of conservative fundamentalist Baptist churches. In an effort to reach out to infidels and draw more people to Jesus, last year, the alliance organized a National Soulwinning Contest among all member churches. With first prize being the most heavenly of organs, Landover was eager to prove its superiority in witnessing. "With that beautiful instrument, we could sing to the Lord in style," Pastor Ebeneezer Smith noted during last Sunday's 10 a.m. services. "Why, those other churches will be lucky if Jesus even listens to their choirs any more when He has the chance to spend all day Sunday listening to the far more beautiful music we will create."

Landover determined that the most productive approach to winning the most souls would be to focus on young children. "By the time unsaved people become teenagers and adults, their Satanic ways are fairly entrenched," noted Pastor Deacon Fred. "Young children are far more susceptible to Baptist witnessing techniques. We knew that a fire and brimstone sermon would have those children clamoring down the aisles, begging for salvation and Landover membership."

Landover's soulwinning campaign began last summer with the hosting of ice cream socials, bubble gum parties and snow cone celebrations. Landover sent fliers in May throughout Freehold advertising day-long excursions to the church for all interested children. Landover buses would pick up children beginning at 7:00 a.m. and return them by 6:00 p.m. "This gave bourgeois mothers the chance to spend weekdays cleaning their homes without worrying about supervision of their children," noted Brother Harry Hardwick. "Those unclean, unsaved parents were more than happy to get those children out of their hair."

The schedule for the children was rigorous. Each day, hundreds of new lost tots were dropped off at the west sanctuary for orientation. They were told there would be no snacks unless and until they attended morning, mid-morning and early afternoon indoctrination services. Beginning at 9:00 a.m., Pastor Deacon Fred delivered his fiery "Hell Is for Children" sermon in which he told those un-Christian wretches, in his most booming voice, that any day, their very lives could be snatched from them. They could be murdered, run over by a bus or possessed by a demon. If that occurred, those who were unsaved would go straight to Hell where they would spend forever roasting in fire, with the devil stabbing their heinies over and over with a pitchfork. "Those children caught on instantly," reported the pastor. "Some of them looked shocked, most of them cried, and all of them knew a change was needed in their lives."

After the sermon, the children met individually with members of the Ladies of Landover. "We explained to those kids that they were going to Hell if they didn't accept Jesus and join our church," recalled President Taffy Crockett. "I remember a few of the kids being skeptical, saying they wanted to talk to their parents. We explained that their parents weren't real Christians and were destined for Hell. The only way these kids could see Jesus was to forsake their parents' faith and join our group of real Christians."

After the one-on-one discussions, the children were told it was time to be saved. They were taken back into the church and told to bow their heads and repeat after the pastor, "Jesus, please come into my heart and take over my life as my personal Lord and Savior. Amen." "You should have seen the look on those children's faces when they realized that was all it took to begin their walk toward Heaven," exclaimed Ladies co-President, Judy O'Christian. "I could see the face of Jesus in all of them."

The children were next told to switch into the swim suits they were instructed to bring and were taken to Lake Landover. Several Landover pastors were already waiting in the water. The children were told they could frolic in the lake only after they had been baptized in the name of Jesus. A few choked on the water, but all were dunked.

To show our church was pleased that these children were finally destined for Heaven (if they lived right), the Ladies of Landover then presented the snacks. The children were lined up next to tables at which the Ladies sat with membership applications. The children were told they could pick up their snacks at a neighboring table as soon as they signed one of the applications. When all children had signed up, the children were allowed to play. 

Then the real work began. The Ladies intervened in the play to tend to those children in most need of help. Those boys who played with girls, looked at flowers, roamed off by themselves or complimented the Ladies on their attire, and those girls who played ball or some other boys' sport, were immediately whisked away to Landover Elementary where they took part in Mrs. Betty Bowers' CASH for Toddlers Ministry  to eliminate the beginnings of clear homosexuality. Those children who were the most unruly were taken to Dr. Jonathan Edwards to determine if the demons could be exorcized from their bodies. "I tried simple therapies like scolding and paddling. But some of those children were so filled with Satan that electroshock became necessary. By the end of the day, though, almost all those children learned to behave." The children were returned to their families in time for dinner. 

As to be expected, not all of the parents were satisfied. A criminal complaint was filed by a group of parents of especially delinquent youngsters for whom Dr. Edwards had recommended a frontal lobotomy to remove that section of their brains where demons most likely resided. The parents complained that Landover's actions had violated their rights. "How typical of unsaved liberals," observed Hardwick. "Always screaming about their freedom. If we hadn't intervened, those children would spend the hereafter in a pit of fire. If overlooking some parents' wishes is necessary to allow children a shot at an eternity with their Maker, I say it was well worth the cost."

"In the end, Landover won several thousand little souls for Jesus," concluded Pastor Deacon Fred. "We earned the priceless gift of saving souls and the equally priceless gift of an organ that will be the envy of all churches. Being a Christian doesn't get much better than this." 

Read more about how Godly Christian Baptists are winning lost souls to Christ!



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