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Expert Christian Advice

While He is our praiseworthy, omnipotent God, the Lord has always suffered from various unsavory obsessions. One of the more troubling is His infatuation with excrement, both human and animal. To ensure that you are taking as close a walk as possible with the Lord by at least feigning interest in His fetishes, it behooves you to brush up on the Lord's favorite scatological scripture. To help you do this, take the following quiz to find out just a few of the things God has to say about feces in the Good Book. Get the correct answers by clicking here

1. Which of the following delicacies did people of the Bible dine on?

A. Their own excrement.
B. Their own urine.
C. A and B.
D. None of the above.

2. Did God order His followers to make their bread with excrement?

A. Of course not. God knows that dough stuffed with doodie won’t rise.
B. Yes, but only animal crap.
C. God preferred they bake it with human feces, but when they complained, He
       allowed them to substitute cow patties.
D. Use of excrement was optional.

3. Did God order his early followers to honor Him with animal dung?

A. No. You honor God solely by following His commands and loving His son.
B. Yes. Before Jesus, people atoned for their sins by sacrificing animals and their
        dung to God. (But only if they burned the dung outside town.)
C. Yes. You can show your love of God by shaping cow dung into the face of the
        Virgin Mother. (But you must wear gloves.)
D. None of the above.

4. How did the Samarians survive famine?

A. They prayed to God, who opened the heavens with rain, thereby allowing plants
        and animals to grow again.
B. They ate a quart of dove droppings.
C. They ate their own children.
D. B and C only.

5. How did God punish early sinners with dung?

A. He treated them like dogs, smearing feces on their faces.
B. He inflicted them with severe constipation.
C. He caused them to suffer violent diarrhea.
D. B and C, intermittently.

6. Why did God require His early followers to attach a paddle to their weapons?

A. So they could beat those who failed to properly clean their rear ends.
B. So they could cover up the human poop lying around the camp, in case God
        happened to walk through.
C. So they could scoop crap out of the carcasses of animals they killed for sacrifice
        and consumption.
D. None of the above.

7. What fate does God plan for the former inhabitants of Jerusalem?

A. They will ascend into Heaven where they will never eat human or animal
        excrement again.
B. They will become spirits where they will no longer be saddled with biological
        needs such as excretory functions.
C. What is left of their decaying bodies will cover the Earth, never to be buried, and
        serve as fertilizer for the land, much like dung.
D. A and B only.

8. In a single passage, how does the Bible say God will handle sinners?

A. He will make them walk like blind men.
B. He will pour out their blood as dust.
C. He will pour out their flesh as dung.
D. All of the above.

9. What did God decide should happen to Jezebel, after she was violently murdered?

A. Her soul would ascend to Heaven.
B. Dogs would eat her flesh.
C. Her corpse would become as dung on the field.
D. B and C.

10. To a True Christian®, what is the equivalent of dung?

A. Sin.
B. Satan.
C. Nonbelievers.
D. Everything in the world other than knowledge of Jesus, including all other loving











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