June 2001

"Bertha Hasselhof was sitting right next to me at service when she pulled out the first of her Winnebago-sized breasts," recalled Mrs. Freda Claiborne. "The thing that caught my eye was that the liver-colored area around her nipple was as dark and drippy as a used-teabag! And when she pushed her little Jimmy's head into it, he looked like he'd just been shoved head-first into a bowl of soggy cereal. And the noise! Mercy me, it was like being stuck next to some sucking goat!" When Bertha Hasselhof pulled out her other breast, she squirted Mrs. Watson, seated two pews in front of her, in the back of the neck with a warm ribbon of thin breast milk. As human milk quickly dripped down her back, Mrs. Watson let out a shrill scream. Those around her, however, simply thought Mrs. Watson, long suspected of having Pentecostal relatives, was pulling the nonsense of being "slain in the Spirit," so they studiously ignored her.

"Since Bertha was sitting in general admission," Mrs. Betty Bowers told Diane Sawyer later that night, "the Lord had mercifully kept her disgusting display hidden from me for several minutes during service. It wasn't until I looked up from my Vogue and saw Bertha's 22-foot bosoms leaking and heaving on the Jumbotron over pastor that I knew what was occurring in the cheap seats. It was like watching two zeppelins full of half-and-half hovering and colliding overhead. Without saying a word to each other, Taffy and I immediately flipped open our cell phones and speed-dialed security to let them know that we had the equivalent of a temple prostitute in our very sanctuary. Honestly, I haven't seen such shameless harlotry since Christine Aguilera last appeared on television!"

Mrs. Hasselhof was not aware that her nauseating antics had caught the attention of those who mattered until she saw Betty Bowers and Sister Taffy rise from the front pew, turn around and point their cell phones at her. Within seconds, five burly men in crisp uniforms from Landover Security grabbed Bertha by her arms and dragged her up the aisle to the back of the church. They dislodged Bertha with such quick force that her son Jimmy flew to the floor and rolled down the pew 15 feet until he was stopped by a the shoe of soccer-player Bobby Brunswicke.

“Of all the things that have happened in the 50-plus years I’ve been a member of this Godly church, this takes the cake,” noted a still distraught Mrs. Judy O’Christian. “I was there the first time a woman tried to speak in the chapel, right before her family house burned to the ground. I was there the day the first colored person walked right into the main sanctuary with his head held up high like a real person. I even remember I personally turned over 13 member-families to Godly Senator McCarthy’s subcommittee. But nothing over the decades prepared me what I saw when I looked up at that Jumbotron today. You would think a Baptist chapel would be the one place on Earth you could be safe from pornography!” Added Mrs. Heather Hardwick: "I'm glad Taffy and Betty acted with lightning reflexes to get that harlot removed. Who knows? Had they waited a minute longer, we may have seen the tramp's cotton panties flying over our heads and hitting the altar!"

“The Ladies of Landover has been the single most respected conservative organizations in state politics for over a hundred years,” observed Sister Taffy. “How in the name of Jesus-on-a-splintery-cross are we supposed to maintain our credibility when one of our members – ex-members! -- goes around stripping in public? If we'd given her a moment longer, she would probably have been doing lap dances up and down the pews!" Mrs. Helen Floribunda added: "Don’t you tell me she was just feeding her baby the natural way either. True Christians take their moral cues from the Bible – not National Geographic! I have visited nativity scenes in all 50 states – wood, wax, paper mâché, plastic – you name it! -- and I have never seen a crèche where Mary had her womanly-things drooping out for all the world to see. I mean, Mary was a woman who only got naked for the Lord. As a True Christian, none of us should be willing to take it even one step further. We aren’t cows and our babies aren’t calves. There are wonderful infant formulas made by Christian companies so that even Africans don’t have to go around making trollops of themselves. What was she planning to do next Sunday for an encore? Change maxi pads in the aisle?"

As the congregation gathered on the church steps after service, they found that Mrs. Hasselhof shamelessly had the temerity to remain on Landover property. Making a further spectacle of herself, she screamed for re-admittance – allegedly to retrieve her son, who was no longer in the building. (Out of Christian concern for his very soul, her son Jimmy had already been placed on a church van to take him to the Landover Baptist Home for Unwanted Children in North Dakota.) After having quite enough of Mrs. Hasselhof's yelling, eight outraged church deacons lifted and flung her into the dumpster behind the church, to the delighted cheers of those gathered. "The Lord tells us that everything has it's place," remarked a winded Pastor Deacon Fred, "and the place for trash is in the dumpster. Glory!"



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