June 2003

Arabs Available for Purchase at Annual Household Help Auction 

Board of Deacons Votes to Broaden Descendents of Canaan Eligibility Ruling 

This year's auction of minorities willing to pick vegetables, shingle roofs and perform pedicures on the obese has been postponed until July 6th so that Arabs can be rounded up and included in the merchandise.  "In the past, those militant Mooslims resisted our efforts to provide them with gainful employment," noted Pastor Deacon Fred.  "Their religion doesn't recognize the curse of Ham, plus they had plenty of employment opportunities in engineering, investment brokering and the running of 7-11's.  But since 9/11, all Americans, particularly Iowans, have wised up and recognized that a convenience store can be hijacked just like an airplane.  So now, those sand.....y folks are eager to take whatever jobs they can get." 

Last week, the Landover Board of Deacons declared definitively that Arabs are among the descendants of Canaan and are thus eligible for the auction.  The Biblical origin of the sale appears in the Book of Genesis.  One of God's favorite creations, Noah, got plastered on wine made from his vineyards and became the world's first exhibitionist.  The drunken Noah stripped naked and pranced around his tent, daring his offspring to peer at his manliness, before passing out.  His two Godly sons, Shem and Jepheth, knew better than to stare at their father's tally-whacker.  But his son, Ham, the world's first voyeur, just had to take a look (undoubtedly to determine whether there was really any truth to the early ruminations about heredity).  Ham entered the tent and, like Woody Allen's stepdaughter, became fixated on dad's appendage.  Noah was apparently feigning sleep, eager to see whether he would have an audience among his boys.  When Noah arose, knowing what Ham had done, he cursed Ham's son, Canaan, and all of Canaan's descendants to be servants of mankind forever (Genesis 9:20-25). 

Granted, these passages make no explicit reference to skin color or race.  But there had to be some group of people out there who fit the bill and were obviously Canaan's descendants.  It didn't take long for True Christians to realize that Negroes were among Canaan's kin.  "With arms that can lift a car by the fender, a back that can withstand a day slashing through brush and thighs that can crack walnuts, male.....coloreds clearly arose from Ham," noted Deacon Fred.  "And with wives and concubines who can make a toilet bowl sparkle like Baccarat, the elders knew they had interpreted Genesis correctly," he concluded. 

Thus began the church's annual auction in 1935, when colored help could be purchased for a dollar a month.  "My parents told me they were initially besieged with questions about whether the auction was any different than slavery," noted Brother Harry Hardwick, the auction's leading purchaser for five years straight.  "You have to remember that, back then, a dollar could fill a Negro's icebox with as many chicken wings as a KFC franchise.  They got room, board and a little spending money, which is more than they would have gotten holding up "Homeless Veteran" signs at a major intersection." 

The church soon realized that auctioning Negroes would not provide all the help a rural family would need.  "Though strong, blacks have an aversion to calluses and scrapes," noted Brother Harry.  "It turned out, there was only one group willing to perform hard labor in the fields: Mexicans, whose backs were still wet from swimming the Rio Grande.  And since they weren't supposed to be here anyway, they worked for chicken feed.  Literally.  Promise a little corn and assure them the Virgin Mother was recently spotted on your barnyard wall, and you had to fight those folks off your farmland like worms." 

Times have changed in recent years.  "Ever since Bill Clinton started emphasizing all that 'affirmative action' stuff, the darkies have gotten real uppity, thinking they can hold the same jobs as normal people," noted Deacon Fred.  'That has created huge turnover.  And while our Godly President is about to turn the tide on all this 'equality' nonsense, it's going to take a while before he can put minorities back in their place.  That's why the aftermath of 9/11 is critical to Freehold's economy.  Whereas Arabs used to be respected, intellectual workers, now they're at the same place the blacks were in 1950.  And I'll tell you this: I'd rather have a dedicated Arabian rebuilding my transmission than some lazy African." 




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