July 2000

July 2000

Bible Miracle On Church Field Trip Leaves Six Children Dead
FREEHOLD IA: Several Landover youths remain in serious condition after what they thought were "harmless taunts" led to a close encounter with Holy Scripture. Deacon Glen Mitchell suffered the indignity of children laughing at his baldness on a recent trip to the Landover Baptist Zoo. He then pointed out some Bible passages from 2nd Kings that convinced the zoo keeper to release the children, unsupervised, into the polar bear exhibit during the bears' feeding time. "Deacon Mitchell didn't have a choice," remarked Pastor Smith. "He was doing what the Bible commanded him to do. This miracle was in God's hands the whole time."

Happy 6,000th Birthday, Planet Earth! 
A 244 foot Angel Food cake with 6,000 gold candles will showcase the Creation Day 2000 celebration. Real Christians from around the world are expected to pack the Landover campus by July 21st. God willing, event organizers say they are going to cram the last 6,000 years into a fun filled 12 hours of songs, hellfire, sermons, plays, floods (bring a raincoat because you will get wet) a religious dwarf quartet, and an amazing air show at sunset with the world-famous "Skydiving Savior" from 6,000 feet. Join us!  Reservations are available through AOL keyword: "Creation Day." 

Landover University To Begin Accepting Students From Even Low Income Families 
The educational needs of every Christian in Freehold, Iowa are important. It doesn't matter if the family is scraping by on $250K per household or living comfortably on $3.5Million! Even the poorest among the saved have a right to learn about their planet's 6,000-year history, but Christians are persecuted at low-priced secular colleges! That is exactly why we started our new Foundation for Christian Education: Low-Income Educational Services. To qualify, families must be near the poverty range for the Freehold area. The total income must not be less than $251K per household. Qualified participants must submit to a battery of physical examinations. Written proof of full immersion Baptism is also a prerequisite. Sprinkled deceivers will be turned away. 

Procter & Gamble Shows It's True Colors: Satan Red! 
After years of hoodwinking Godly ministers into telling their flocks that so-called "rumors" of P&G's partnership with Satan were false, the company recently proved its allegiance to the Prince of Darkness beyond a shadow of a doubt: they stopped advertising on Dr. Laura Schlessinger's show. 
True Christians are rightfully outraged by the move. Many refusing now to use soaps and toothpaste "While we wouldn't let that harlot jewess, Dr. Laura, anywhere near our Godly church, folks like Dr. Laura and John Rocker have the moral backbone to call a homo a homo!" Pastor Deacon Fred said. "And what do the so-called politically correct pansies who run the liberal media and corporate America do? They try to silence them! Well I stand before you to put Procter & Gamble on notice that the Tide is turning my friend! Praise God!" 

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