True Christian™ News Release - Harry Potter Gets It in the End!

INTERNATIONAL EXCLUSIVE (no reprinting without attribution)

London, England - In what Christians everywhere are calling a "victory for Jesus' love," Bloomsbury Publishing has capitulated, in the face of countless death threats from angry Christian school children, their parents and a prominent garden club in Hertfordshire, and announced that it will edit out several lurid lines from an explicit anal sex scene between a coquettish and greased-up Harry Potter and a very drunk, opportunistic Rubeus Hagrid in the final J.K. Rowling Book, "The Deathly Hallows."

"We understand that shameless shenanigans in and about the anus is so common a practice for English school boys, that the very idea of resisting is wholly lost to them by the time they are old enough to unbuckle long pants," says Landover Baptist Pastor, Deacon Fred. "The practice of having the male go up into the male is so endemic on that rainy little island that its inhabitants have taken to telling strangers "bugger off" when the buggery, which is ordinarily expected whenever two males meet, has been called off unexpectedly. So, the fact that anal sex, as common in England as a handshake in the United States, made its way into a book written by an unsaved Brit is hardly surprising. We just thought that a five-page, explicit, and lovingly rendered description of the act was more than American Christians would willingly allow -- even in a book they are already banned from reading! A tender scene in a stone castle turret with 2,300 candles romantically floating over a warm, scented bubble bath in which a man who looks like a water buffalo mounts a boy to soapy splashes and giggling screams of delight might fly with the Brits, but here in America, it is illegal and a waste of good candles!"

After countless complaints to Buckingham Palace and an exhaustive spambot campaign by the Southern Baptist Convention, J.K. Rowling was called upon by her editors to come up with a new way of revealing to her readers why the name "Potter" is so significant. "I don't care what she comes up with and I won't be reading the book," says one Baptist minister. "But even a congregation as literal-minded as mine knows what that smutty gal is alluding to when she writes about sticking a big, thick pen into a little ink pot, thereby becoming a Potter."

The removal of the anal sex scene was the dying wish of Rev. Jerry Falwell who on his deathbed, whispered the edict to a small crowd of prominent religious figures. "He wanted to continue his important legacy of legislating morality in regard to items of heresy from beyond his double-wide grave," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "We believe the publisher's decision to remove the so-called "double penetration" aspect of the scene by deleting references to a magical roll of coins is a tribute to the power of Jesus Christ and his followers, but we call upon Bloomsbury Publishing to also remove the smutty reference to Harry's wand and some of the wholly gratuitous moaning that peppers the scene."

Despite the victory, most Christians in America will forbid their innocent youngsters to read the Harry Potter books. It is a common belief among Baptists that the novels are nothing more than carefully crafted training manuals for junior Satanists. If you have any questions about this policy, you are to address them to Pastor at the next book burning, currently scheduled, as usual, for Friday evening. 

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