July 1999

Holy Ghost Haunts Old Mansion

Shocking Religious News!

Freehold, Iowa -- Landover Baptist Church members were terrified to learn that a local Charismatic church had experienced a powerful release of the Holy Spirit. "The Pentecostals unwittingly toy with this omnipotent force on a daily basis," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "They conjure up the Holy Ghost much like a coven of witches bubbles up an unclean spirit. These cook-is-maniacs are completely unaware that the flying invisible companion of Jesus has frightening powers that reach far beyond human control." Creation Scientists  warned the event could trigger off some 'pretty scary' chain reactions throughout the region. "Too often," an investigator commented, "there are naive Charismatics who unleash this force without taking into account the devastating effects it might have on the rest of the community." 

Recent reports indicate that the Holy Ghost, has nested itself in the old mansion at the end of Main Street in downtown Freehold, Iowa. Blood curdling screams have been heard at all hours of the night. Children who pass by the house drop their school books, wet their trousers, and run for their lives. It is said that a person can not last a whole night in the house without going insane. Local youth make a sport of entering the old mansion on a bet, only never to be heard from again. 

Landover Pastor, Deacon Fred is expressing outrage at the Charismatic community. "This is the straw that is gonna break the camel's back," he exclaimed at a recent town meeting. "These people have turned the Holy Ghost into a malevolent force! I want no part of it other than to say it is Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit to the highest degree, and it is unforgivable!"  Pentecostals who were present at the town meeting, made no comment. Their blank eyes were glazed over, and their bodies swayed as if under control of some unseen force.  

Creation Scientists suggest that that most of the Pentecostals in Freehold, Iowa have been placed under control of the Holy Spirit. The only way to get things back to normal would be to shoot all of them in the head with a silver bullet. At this time, Landover Baptist is utilizing tithe money to purchase silver jewelry and silverware which will be melted down and molded into bullets. The bullets will then go on sale at discount rates to Church members at the Landover Baptist Gun Store in downtown Freehold. 




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