August 2002

3,000 Horses That Refused to Believe God and Fly Are Now Dead

Special Report

Freehold, Iowa-- The Bible holds a vital clue as to the time of Christ's return. It is right around the same time when horses will fly. "The time described in Revelation, Chapter 6 might be this afternoon, so most True Christians® are worried about horses having enough time to learn how to fly. You know, they are sort of heavy. But folks familiar with the Bible will know that horses have flown before," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "In 2 Kings 2:11, God teaches us about His favorite mode of transportation. That is, to light a few horses on fire, attach them to a chariot, place some of his favorite people inside and ride them straight to Glory! Hallelujah!" Christian scholars and Creation Scientists also point to sketchy historical documents from ancient Greece where flying horses seemed to be in great abundance. "Them Greeks had flying horses all over the place," notes one respected Christian scholar. "As Christians, we know that all of their stories about gods who impregnated human virgins are outrageous, improbable lies, but the other fun stuff in their stories were true. After all, if a snake can talk to a woman, why couldn't he also become part of her hairdo? Besides, the Bible backs up the fact that horses can fly."

A report released to church members in 1972 by the Landover Baptist Center for Creation Research informed parishioners that their tithe money had been used to conduct a 14-year study called, "Operation Horse Fly." Landover Baptist's Dr. Jonathan Edwards concluded that after 14 years, 2,984 horses, 400 gallons of kerosene, and 18 books of matches, all that was left was enough glue to fix his loafers and dog food to feed Mexico for 10 years. "The highest we got a horse to fly was about four feet," said Edwards, "and that was more like a jump, not really a flight. Even the ones we dropped off the side of the barn never got the hang of it."

Church members were excited to learn that earlier this year, a closer study of the book of Revelation indicated that Creation Scientists had been drawing conclusions about flying horses from the wrong chapter. "We were studying chapter 6, when we should have been looking at Chapter 9," said Dr. Edwards. Revelation 9:17,19 states, ". . .the heads of the horses were as the heads of lions; and out of their mouths issued fire and smoke and brimstone. . .their power is in their mouth, and in their tails: for their tails were like unto serpents, and had heads, and with them they do hurt." Dr. Edwards reported his findings at the Sunday morning church service. "We are convinced that a horse's power to fly comes from its mouth and tail," he said. "The only obstacle before us now is to remove the head of a horse and replace it with a lion's head. We've also got to figure out some way to cut off the horse's tail and attach a boa constrictor to it's hiney. We've got to accomplish all of this without actually killing the horse - or getting bit by the lion. A horse with a lion-head and a snake-butt may seem far-fetched to nonbelievers, but the Lord said it shall be, so who are we to doubt the Lord's inventive use of His animal parts? After all, a squirrel is just a rat with a pretty fur baby fox tail. And the sooner we can get these hideous hybrids running around town, the sooner we will trigger the Rapture. That way, we, as True Christians, won't have to be the ones who have to deal with Lion-Snake-Horses attacking our children when they try to cross the street - because we will be in Glory laughing at their antics at a safe distance."

Pastor Deacon Fred was so impressed with Dr. Edwards' findings that he told the congregation that the tithe money being used to build the world's first Christian roller coaster at Landover's Red Sea World would have to be diverted in order to fund what is now being called, The Revelation 9 Project. "As Christians, we've got to have priorities," he said, "and even though we're sure Jesus appreciates our Christian amusement parks, a new roller coaster isn't going to usher in the Second Coming. Creating a flying horse, however, will."

Creation Scientists were quick to inform Pastor that genetic experiments on a variety of animals and possibly unsaved humans would be necessary if the project is going to be a success. "We can't just cut off the heads and tails of animals and expect them to survive," Dr. Edwards told Pastor. "We've got to find a way to either get a lion to mate with a horse, or hire a Jewish scientist to come in here and teach us how to splice that stuff they call DNA." Pastor Deacon Fred filed a permissionary grant with the State of Iowa to begin conducting genetic research on church property in late August. Dr. Edwards noted that if such a grant is approved, they will be able to work unfettered through the entire book of Revelation, conducting side experiments on sheep, grasshoppers and migrant workers in hopes of creating a wooly dragon with three human heads. "Now that's something that jumps right out of the Bible!" said Pastor. "That oughta get the Lord's attention! He'll be so happy that people are actually taking the Bible seriously He'll start smiting unsaved trash, right and left! Glory!"



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