August 2002

Don't Get Caught On The Toilet When Jesus Comes Back!


True Christian® friends, we know that Jesus is only moments away from making His appearance here on Earth. When He finally shows up, He will not be sharing His unconditional love with any liberal, Boodist, demoncrat, Mary Worshipper, or any other unsaved person. They will be discarded like trash and shipped off to be dumped into the lake of fire where they will burn forever. Our Lord will wonderfully and gloriously destroy every single unsaved person on this so-called "Planet Earth." Praise His name! And thank God for the unconditional love He shares with everyone who does exactly what He says.

Friends, I just want to make sure that you realize if you are sitting on the toilet when Jesus comes back, and His sweet face peeks into the bathroom, to find you there, He could turn His back on you forever! What an UNGODLY position to be in! Jesus ain't gonna rapture anyone with their pants hanging down by their ankles. Shame on you! He is not coming back to endure the evil smells you make in the bathroom either! Jesus will NOT tolerate the stink of your asparagus-tainted urine, nor will His heavenly nostrils bear the scent of your stools! He shouldn't have to! He is our creator and He knows ALL! He knows when you are sleeping, He knows when you're awake, and He watches you while you sit on the potty reading Christian newspapers and stinking up the whole house! He will NOT interrupt you on the toilet! And that's something you should think about before ever sitting down on one! Furthermore, if you are a teenager, I want to ask you a question. Do you think Jesus doesn't care what you are doing while you are sitting on the toilet? Not only does He care, He cares enough to put a little check mark in His book whenever He sees you touch your tallywacker! Don't ever waste your time trying to explain things to Jesus, you little sissy! You'll just give Him a big old belly laugh! All True Christians® know that if a boy touches himself, even in the shower, he is a homosexural. So just shut up about it and accept the fact that you are going to burn in HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY! "Fantasizing" about the "body parts" of female sluts is never an excuse! Since a boy is touching a male unmentionable member, that makes him HOMOSEXURAL! That is why a man who touches his devil snake while urinating is damned to an everlasting Hell. Some lazy housewives complain about the mess when their husband doesn't guide his privates while eliminating liquid waste, but I would much rather have to sponge off a plastic toilet seat or silk flower arrangement over the tank four times a day than spend eternity without my Christian husband in Glory.

Jesus is not going to accept any silly excuses. He is not a liberal, nor is He a scientist or modern doctor! He is the Son of God, and his favorite remedy for curing everything is to burn everyone who doesn't do exactly what He commands, IN HELL. Dear Friends, Jesus is no respector of sin. Whether it's masturbating, fornicating, voting democratic in a national election, or even murdering someone, it's all the same in the eyes of God! Although, I believe that it sickens Him to have to sit up in Heaven all day watching young boys masturbate, our Lord has seen it all.

So let's not get caught on the devil's johnny when the Lord comes a' callin' friends! I really believe the only way to assure salvation while you are sitting on the toilet is if your bottom is planted firmly into one of my Rapture Ready Toilet® seats ($2,489.00 Sears Model). My Rapture Ready Toilet® (featuring "The Target," Hillary Clinton's face handpainted inside the bowl), was created by Christians FOR Christians! Not only does it have a stink proofer, so Jesus doesn't have to smell your sin deposits, but it also has an anti-masturbation mechanism, a giant picture of Jesus, a Bible rest, a stereo hooked up to Pastor's best sermons, and a self wiper! If you can't afford a Rapture Ready Toilet®, my advice (and this does not guarantee that you will be raptured) is to wear an adult diaper and keep a can of Glade nearby to hide the smell! I suggest that you wear that diaper to work, to school, to your seat in Congress (the White House has already implemented this solution to assure their ascendency to Heaven; GW Bush and Cheney love wearing their adult diapers and report extra "freedom" to perform their tasks). Even Ari Fleisher, the Jew, who insists he will wait until the very last minute to accept Jesus and stop being an unsaved Jew, is wearing Depends®. True Christians across the nation are dutifully following their example. Praise God! But I still suggest you purchase one of my toilets, just in case.

As a final word of caution, all True Christians®, take note! You will only join me and Jesus in Heaven if you stay away from the toilet and all its dirty business as much as Christianly possible. Even if it means holding it in for days on end! For the Lord tells us -- He will appear like a thief in the night! No one knows the day or the hour! Don't get caught with your trousers down by your ankles! Oh Heavens No! I couldn't bear the thought! Please show Jesus that you are a True Christian® Republican who doesn't lower himself and "go to the bathroom." I pray for you to be stench-less and worthy of entering the House of the Lord, where the only smell will be the sweet scent of the precious blood of Jesus!



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