Witch Expelled From America's Favorite Church Before
Cheering Congregation of 25,000!
Church Members News From the Pews
Iowa - The Holy Spirit moved Pastor Deacon Fred to walk down
the aisle in the middle of Bartholomew Hardwick's
"children's testimony" last Sunday.
When Pastor got to row RR he stopped to face the
widow, Mrs. Newberry and her passel of six, quiet children.
"The Holy Spirit is mighty curious this morning,
my friends!" Pastor told the congregation through his
reverb-microphone, carefully concealed by church staff in
his hairpiece. "He
wants to know something about this, this, this – Canadian!"
He said the last word as if Mrs. Newberry had just
emitted a loud, humid cloud of noxious gases from her rear
Holy Spirit wants all of us to find out if this here –
Canadian -- ever renounced the vileness of her birth and
became a naturalized American." Pastor Deacon Fred
continued, "Put your personal testimony on pause for a
minute, Bartholomew - the Holy Spirit is talking here boy!
As He was saying, the Holy Spirit wants us to know right up
front that He's got some serious questions about whether the
Lord even recognizes folks who are not born in the USA, but
pretend to become American by some phony-baloney procedure
they made up in Washington! Those papers may get you
through Customs at JFK, but they probably are like a handful
of soggy toilet tissue to the Lord.
If someone is so unashamed of their evil, liberal
Canadian heritage that they are unwilling to ask for
forgiveness and beg for us to pretend that they are
American, then there is something so rotten and vile in
their heart that they have no place among true Yankee Doodle
Christians. I smell the bubbles of a witch's brew, and
it's stinking up this here pew! A-men?"
After the Holy Spirit bellowed his question seven times in Mrs. Dewberry's face, the 46-year-old widow finally admitted that she had never applied for American citizenship. "Get thee hence you Canadian witch!" squealed the Holy Spirit through Pastor's microphone. Due to His anger, the Holy Spirit's words were delivered in such a high-pitched bray that they blew out a tweeter in the18-foot speaker below the jumbo-tron, causing feedback that temporarily deafened over 250 congregants wearing hearing aids and provoked three enraged Dobermans to scratch Jesus' left foot off of the wooden sanctuary door leading to the parking lot.
the chaos, Pastor Deacon Fred, pointed to the closest exit, and
back to Toronto, where you can cavort with other liberal
vermin, attend queer marriages and sup on the soporific IV
of socialistic medicine that preserves poor people the Lord
has good reason to try to kill off! You Canadian
Mrs. Newberry and her children made their way out of the
building in tears, the congregation started a raucous cheer
of "Go USA!"
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