Church Members News From the Pews

Freehold, Iowa - The Holy Spirit moved Pastor Deacon Fred to walk down the aisle in the middle of Bartholomew Hardwick's "children's testimony" last Sunday.  When Pastor got to row RR he stopped to face the widow, Mrs. Newberry and her passel of six, quiet children.  "The Holy Spirit is mighty curious this morning, my friends!" Pastor told the congregation through his reverb-microphone, carefully concealed by church staff in his hairpiece.  "He wants to know something about this, this, this – Canadian!"  He said the last word as if Mrs. Newberry had just emitted a loud, humid cloud of noxious gases from her rear end. 

"The Holy Spirit wants all of us to find out if this here – Canadian -- ever renounced the vileness of her birth and became a naturalized American." Pastor Deacon Fred continued, "Put your personal testimony on pause for a minute, Bartholomew - the Holy Spirit is talking here boy! As He was saying, the Holy Spirit wants us to know right up front that He's got some serious questions about whether the Lord even recognizes folks who are not born in the USA, but pretend to become American by some phony-baloney procedure they made up in Washington!  Those papers may get you through Customs at JFK, but they probably are like a handful of soggy toilet tissue to the Lord.  If someone is so unashamed of their evil, liberal Canadian heritage that they are unwilling to ask for forgiveness and beg for us to pretend that they are American, then there is something so rotten and vile in their heart that they have no place among true Yankee Doodle Christians.  I smell the bubbles of a witch's brew, and it's stinking up this here pew!  A-men?"

After the Holy Spirit bellowed his question seven times in Mrs. Dewberry's face, the 46-year-old widow finally admitted that she had never applied for American citizenship.  "Get thee hence you Canadian witch!" squealed the Holy Spirit through Pastor's microphone.  Due to His anger, the Holy Spirit's words were delivered in such a high-pitched bray that they blew out a tweeter in the18-foot speaker below the jumbo-tron, causing feedback that temporarily deafened over 250 congregants wearing hearing aids and provoked three enraged Dobermans to scratch Jesus' left foot off of the wooden sanctuary door leading to the parking lot.  

Amid the chaos, Pastor Deacon Fred, pointed to the closest exit, and yelled:  "Get back to Toronto, where you can cavort with other liberal vermin, attend queer marriages and sup on the soporific IV of socialistic medicine that preserves poor people the Lord has good reason to try to kill off!  You Canadian Witch!"

As Mrs. Newberry and her children made their way out of the building in tears, the congregation started a raucous cheer of "Go USA!" 

 

 

 

---

---