Relaxes Negro Admittance Policy
Pigmentation Test and Special Seating Arrangements Now Available!
Freehold Iowa- Wednesday evening, Pastor Deacon Fred sent elderly white church members into a tizzy of profane catcalls when he announced that Landover Baptist would be admitting people of color into the main sanctuary for the first time in history. He assuaged their fears by confiding that coloreds would have limited access to the general congregation and would be restricted to hidden areas. "We've got to face it my friends," he said, "It's not the same world anymore. There are colored folks in this town who make more money than some of our tin-level tithers, and cash doesn't discriminate based on color. It's all green to Jesus and He doesn't care if it comes out of a Negro's shoe, or a white man's wallet, as long as it ends up in our offering plates on Sunday morning. Praise God!"
Landover Baptist will utilize a screening
process invented by wealthy, educated colored folks.
"We understand that people of color with money
are just as leery of other Nubians whose ancestors were
apparently so hideously unattractive that no obese, drunken
white man could even bring himself to rape them," said
Pastor Deacon Fred. Since Coloreds have
developed a successful process for screening out their
undesirables, and since we don't have much experience in
these matters, the Board of Deacons at Landover Baptist is
advising that whites borrow
from a pre-existing process that people of color are already
very comfortable with. "We understand that this is a
very exciting time for local Negroes," said Pastor
Deacon Fred. "For many, it's their first opportunity to
worship in a real church, with a floor that doesn't turn to
mud when it rains, and to be among people whose parents and
grandparents first introduced their ancestors to the lashing
Love of Jesus. If it's any indication of their eagerness,
there is a already a long list of applicants who have paid
the non refundable $50.00 admittance test fee."
Prospective Negro church members annual household income
must exceed $148,000 (as verified by non-colored
accountants) to qualify for the following admittance tests:
Brown Paper Bag Test:
Bible Balance Test:
Special Notice: As a privately funded non-profit religious institution, the Landover Baptist Church reserves the right to discriminate based on race, religion, sexual preference, size, weight, height, age, sex, and political affiliation.
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