September 2000

The obvious decline in health of Pope John Paul II, Satan’s surrogate here on earth, has True Christian party planners around the globe in a state of panic.  “We know he is going to be called to Hell at any minute, but we are just not sure which day,” remarked Mrs. John Loftis assistant manager of Freehold Iowa’s Smith & Wesson Convention Center.  “That makes planning a celebration difficult,” she added while flipping the pages of her monthly calendar, which seemed to bleed with the sanguine markings of upcoming events.  “As soon as the pope dies, everyone -- except those Mary-worshiping Guineas -- will want to have a huge party to celebrate.  I mean, even the loss of your garden-variety Catholic is reason enough to cheer.  But our main room is booked for the rest of the year with huge Real Christian banquets.  I just checked our bookings this morning and only September 14 is free.  Landover Baptist just cancelled its “Feed the Homeless” charity dinner that night due to lack of interest.  So, in order for this to work, that old pansy in Rome needs to kick no sooner than September 7, but no later than September 10.  Otherwise, Landover will lose its deposit.  I’ve already talked to Pastor and there will be no exceptions.”

To accommodate this scheduling constraint and protect the church’s $4,000 deposit, Pastor Deacon Fred has called upon Real Christians everywhere to say vociferous imprecatory prayers against the pope’s fragile health during the first week of September.  “He is all but dead now,” pointed out Pastor, “all it is going to take is one well worded curse in Jesus’ name against that old fart and he’ll be dust.  Last week, I was watching the pope on TV mumbling one of his satanic sermons in that Eurotrash voice of his, waving his hand from the balcony like some palsy drunk hailing a cab. The second thing to cross my mind – after Satan in a skirt -- was that that old fool is going to be called home to his pal Lucifer any minute now.  He was shaking so much that if that fancy woman’s dress he was wearing didn’t have so much starch in it to hold him up, his little Polish skeleton would have fallen to the ground quicker than an altar boy when a priest walks in the room.  And we here at Landover Baptist are willing to do whatever it takes to help God’s Perfect Will along.  In fact, just today I popped in the mail to Rome some free Concorde tickets.  Those Catholics are worse than Jews when it comes to resisting something free.” 

“When Pope John Paul the First was killed by God after just a month, it really caught us by surprise,” lamented Betty Bowers.  “We had to scramble.  And everyone wants the celebration of the Lord killing a pope to be a special occasion, since it happens all too infrequently.  It was a lovely party, and the food was amusing, but it wasn’t of a New York caliber.  There just wasn’t time to fly in a chef, as had been done for the more considerate demise of Paul VI.  And the food and music for John XXIII’s death were absolutely legendary.  Sammy Davis, Jr. had done an impromptu, if off color, number called "Papal Bull" that had everyone in stitches.  So there is a glorious legacy to which this year’s party will inevitably be compared.  You can just tell when something is thrown together at the last minute --like an ABC sitcom.  We are not going to let that happen this time.  Quality caterers cannot be rallied at the eleventh-hour.  And I can always tell if someone always available on short notice has done the flowers.  It just ends up looking like a black funeral.”   

In addition to planning to fete Real Christians celebrating a world with one less Catholic, the death of a pope provides a wonderful opportunity to use a moment of vulnerability to proselytize to people who have embraced a faith that guarantees a certain descent to Hell.   “We need to be ready this time,” said Pastor Harry Hardwick.  “Whenever a pope dies, tens of thousands of priests become depressed and turn to booze.  Since almost all priests are Irish, this means a lot of mean drunks.  They are dangerous to be around, but we are really trying to reach out to Catholic priests, so we have to go to them regardless of the risks to the personal safety of the people we hire.  This means having witnesses for the True Faith, Baptist, at all the places Catholic priests tend to frequent in times of grief, whether it is at gay bars, gay bathhouses, places of public sodomy or Cher concerts.  The very night Pope John Paul II croaks, we want to make sure that we have Baptists stationed at all the gay discos ready to give a Kleenex, a Bible tract and the way back to a religion that God actually likes.”  

Of course, priests’ reactions may be different to the passing of this particular pope, since Pope John Paul II recently spoke against homosexuality- outside of the Catholic Church.  “I guess it is OK for sodomy to go on inside St. Peters and every parish church from here to Timbuktu until you feel like those folks in Sodom got a raw deal,” dryly observed Mrs. Judy O’Christian, Landover’s diplomatic envoy to the Vatican, “Just not out by the Colosseum where everyone can see it.  While some may think the Pope’s condemnation a little timid, we applaud the courage that even that meek message must have taken.  I mean, the Pope speaking out against homos is like Nelson Mandela condemning blacks.  You just don’t expect folks to turn on their own kind like that.”  



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