Landover Baptist Church applauds our next President's decision to name Dick Cheney as his running mate. Earlier in the campaign, many church members were understandably concerned that George W. Bush was turning soft, given all that "compassionate conservative" rhetoric. Bush has now proven that those words were nothing more than a slogan designed to appease moderate voters. His selection of Cheney proves Bush is more right-minded than any of us had imagined. Described as a "Jesse Helms Republican," Cheney has voted further to the right on contemporary social issues than even former House speaker, Newt Gingrich. Cheney has consistently voted against uppity minorities, feminazis, tree-huggers, lazy poor people and those who would restrict our right to own any weapon we choose. Cheney promises us eight years after Bush's eight years of good old-fashioned Old Testament values. A brief review of Cheney's voting record in the U.S. House of Representatives reveals why he has earned Landover's accolades.
1. Dick will thwart the liberals' goal of equality worldwide.
Cheney has revealed time and again that he recognizes everyone has his place in society. He knows that minorities have no business trying to obtain the jobs and income of true Americans and that women belong in the home. And he recognizes that homos belong nowhere. Cheney voted against every civil rights bill to pass his desk, including any attempt to desegregate schools. He voted against all hate crime initiatives, which we all know are just part of the homosexual conspiracy to turn the entire world into them. Not one to tolerate homos, Cheney even voted against efforts to define hate crimes.
Cheney has done his part to put colored people in their place worldwide
as well. Cheney consistently voted against sanctions on South Africa
for its policy of apartheid (which, translated in English, means "God's
chosen few"). Cheney even had the courage to vote against every House
resolution calling for the release from prison of Nelson Mandela.
Cheney's Christian conviction that apartheid was right for South Africa
(and Mandela belongs behind bars) has proven correct. While liberal
Democrats were falling all over themselves to pander to the votes of penniless
coloreds, whom our Godly forefathers brought to this blessed country just
so those lazy creatures would have work, Cheney had the moral backbone
to stand up and say, "Nelson Mandela is no different than most black men
– he is a criminal." Spurred on by Satan, the liberals ultimately
won. And look where South Africa is today. The coloreds can
go anywhere they want and the country is in a state of ruin. The
Lord said that servants and slaves should obey their masters with "fear
and trembling" (Ephesians 6:5). And look what happened when the Lord
and Cheney were ignored. Those South Africans can't even leave a Christmas
tree air freshener in their parked cars without it being stolen.
2. Dick will let us have any weapon we want.
Most Republicans say they oppose gun control. And most vote against some regulations. But the vast majority cave in to political correctness when certain initiatives are proposed, like a ban on guns in nightclubs and schools. But not Cheney. He has voted against every gun control initiative he's ever examined. Recognizing that our worst enemy is the Godless government which has taken Jesus away from our children, Cheney voted against the ban on the sale of armor-piercing bullets so that we will have a means of fighting against law enforcement agents who try to close our churches and compounds. Recognizing that women as frail as Mrs. Judy O'Christian cannot carry heavy revolvers and shouldn't have to turn over their guns every time they board a plane, Cheney voted against the ban on 3.7 ounce metal guns – the so-called terrorist weapons. And to ensure that pesky metal detectors won't stop true Christians from fighting against the liberal forces of evil, Cheney even voted against any restriction on the sale of plastic guns that cannot be detected. With Cheney in power, every church will be able to arm its members and fight back against the Satanic forces that infiltrate Washington.
3. Dick will put an end to misguided concern for the environment.
Cheney recognizes that God gave everything on the planet to us to consume. And Cheney knows, as we do, that the End Times are right around the corner, so there's no reason to worry about the environment 20 or 30 years from now. So Cheney has voted against every piece of environmental legislation to visit his office. He supports abolition of the Environmental Protection Agency. He supports the elimination of existing environmental regulations. And he favors giving money to large U.S. oil corporations so they can prosper rather than those devils in the desert. Under Cheney, we will heat our homes with coal and nuclear energy, dump our waste in unused rivers rather than expensive burial sites, use high-quality Redwood to build our wine cellars and consume whatever meat we wish, without worrying about how many more of that particular animal happen to be alive.
4. Dick will stop the misplaced commitment to the poor and elderly.
Cheney recognizes that people are poor for one of two reasons: they're lazy or they come from bad stock. Either way, this should not be the concern of hard-working upper income Americans who are God's true children. We should not have to do without that extra car just so some poor child is properly fed so he makes it to his teen years where he can then rape and steal. And if an elderly couple raised their children right, the children will care for their parents in their old age. If the children don't, they weren't raised properly, and their parents should not benefit from their poor nurturing. Cheney voted against all benefits for the poor and elderly. He voted against tax cuts for working families. Cheney voted against welfare dependency even when it was politically difficult to do so. He voted against Head Start for the poorest of poor children, knowing that if you feed them once, they always come back looking for more.
In short, Dick Cheney is a dream come true for Landover and America. Some
of us never thought we'd see the day when a politician would embody all the
values we hold so dear and which have been expressed on this website time
and again. Some of us have been at a loss to provide a single word to describe
what we believe and who we really are. We now have that word: Dick.
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