September 2000

True Christians Boycott the 2000 Olympic Games!

Will this year's Olympics be like the last? Find out why True Christians boycotted the 2000 Games by reading this article.

For those of you who missed sunrise services last Sunday (you should have already received notification of a penalty for inattendance through your DirectWithdrawal Tithe ® account), Pastor Deacon Fred is prohibiting all Real Christians from watching any televised broadcasts of the Sydney Olympics.  "It is not some coincidence that the Olympics is being held in that Godless country that is appropriately called 'Down Under' since it is closer to Hell than any other place on Earth," noted Pastor.  "It is a well known fact that when folks spend their lives walking around upside-down, they get to the point where they can't tell up from down or right from wrong.  Australia is just an America without morals or God.  Sort of like a big California.  So it is no wonder those Godless heathens were clamoring to host the pagan high-holiday known in the secular world as the Olympics.  Every school child knows that "God has no time for Games" and this is what the Lord must have had in mind when He said that."

The people who invented buggery - the Greeks -- started the Olympics.  All the Greek homos used to oil up their bodies and prance around naked.  Yes, friends, the entire original Olympics were shamelessly done in birthday suits.  And one look at the diving competition reveals that little has changed. Studies from the Family Research Council prove that, in the Greek tradition,  the modern Olympics has  been co-opted by homos and lesbos wearing next to nothing.   "Every sport involves either women who look like truck drivers sweating with no shame or light-in-the-running-shoes men who grope each other in unconscionable ways," observed Pastor Deacon Fred.  "We will not be parties to the devil's business and supporting this twice-a-decade sex binge would make us accomplices to Lucifer's work."

Pastor Deacon Fred's words came on the heels of a two month investigation by Landover's Society to Cure Ailing Morality.  SCAM analyzed hundreds of hours of footage of the past three Olympics before reaching the inevitable conclusion that the international event is an assault on traditional family values.  SCAM's thorough report found that: "During the 1996 Atlanta Games, not one single athlete wore modest apparel.  The outlines of breasts, penises and buttocks were in plain view under clothing which was stretched tighter than even the most competent housewife could manipulate a piece of Saran.  And innocent little children were present to see these heaving, bouncing -- often suspiciously enormous -- unmentionable body parts.  There is only one reason why anyone would wear such indecent clothing and that is to entice others to have sexual knowledge outside of marriage.  It is no wonder that several incidents of fornication in the Olympic Village during the 1980 communist Moscow Games have been documented."

"Needless to say, I saw no need to review film of the women's events, since real women have no business involving themselves in athletics in the first place," noted SCAM co-chair Brother Harry Hardwick.  "A true lady watches the children, oversees the cleaning and cooking, shops and, time permitting, plays bridge.  Only a Godless feminazi would inject herself into activities which belong to men."  SCAM co-chair Betty Bowers was as disgusted by the appearance of the women as she was by their unladylike activities.  "Sometimes, I couldn't tell if I was watching a women's event or a men's event," she noted.  "A true lady always finds the time to apply a quality foundation and a lipstick that is edgy but not licentious.  Those females looked as though they had never seen a Lady Schick, much less a jar of La Prairie. And their attire, of course,  was appalling.  But you can never expect a nuance in fashion from lesbians."

SCAM's analysis of the men's events revealed equally appalling facts.  "The videos were very difficult to watch," noted Brother Harry.  "They either reflected male nudity or male homosexuality.  Some of the men dressed in outfits so revealing that one could easily tell whether they were of Judeo-Christian background.  The swimmers wore trunks so skimpy that, one false move, and they would moon our children."  Mrs. Bowers was equally unamused.  "With one look at Michael Johnson's Lycra running shorts, it was readily apparent how he got his surname.  Though I don't personally know any of them, it is my understanding that there are Christian men so impoverished that they must perform manual labor.  I'm quite certain that this causes them to have absolutely enormous biceps and pectoral muscles.  Indeed, I would speculate that their legs might become rather shapely, too.You know where they get thighs like jodhpurs and calves like balusters?  Yes.  Anyway, I digress.  Of course, such rugged, fabulous bodies are for the Glory  of God and can be displayed accordingly.  But it's quite another thing for these swimmers, divers and gymnasts to display muscles that even a Christian wife might see only once or twice in her life, and then only if her eyes wandered as she performed her mandatory procreative duties."

According to SCAM's report, the debauchery that has become the Olympics is exemplified most by the Greco-Roman wrestling events.  "If you're shocked by the homosexuality blatant in professional wrestling, as all Christ-like people should be, you will be unable to stomach what occurs during the amateur event," observed Brother Harry.  "At least in the pro-event, the men punch and gouge each other in a truly manly fashion.  In the Olympic event, all they do is hug their opponents and try to force them on their backs so they can play-act the most depraved acts imaginable.  In fact, halfway through the match, the referee actually orders one man to the floor on all fours and then instructs the other to place his arms around the first man's torso as his pelvis is thrust against the prone man's buttocks.  That the FCC even allows this trash to be telecast is shocking.  But I suppose we really shouldn't be surprised by the debauchery, since the event is named after the two cultures which made homosexuality the commonplace sin it is today."

Any Landover member found to have tuned into the global sexfest will be permitted to state his case to the heretical committee before being expelled from Landover and having his real and personal property confiscated.



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