Dept. of Health & Human Services Mandatory Legal Alert on Landover Baptist's Extreme Hell Houses

Halloween Hell House Ministry to Feature More Than Just the Usual Dumpster Full of Rotting Human Fetuses [Click for VIDEO]

About Hell House: Hell House is an evangelism event, held during the last week of October each year.  Local unsaved people, young and old alike, pay $15 and line up for hours to enter a haunted house created by the Senior High Youth Group.  If you are looking for more details about the Godly purpose of Christian Hell Houses, click here

Freehold, Iowa –  "All you liberal America haters who are wondering whatever happened to Saddam's weapons of mass destruction," said President Bush, wagging a finger, "need look no further than Landover Baptist Hell House, where they have enough military grade cholera to kill every Democrat asswipe in the land!"  

At the Board of Deacons’ request, the Landover Baptist Senior High Youth Group held their annual Hell House kick off meeting in late May, six months before Halloween.  Pastors and Deacons attended the meeting to petition that rooms in this year's Hell House would mirror those from the 2003 Hell House and focus on a “war theme.” "We want you to depict America at its height of glory in the War on Terror!"  Pastor Deacon Fred told the Senior High Youth Group.  Youngsters were given a blank American Express card and told to spare no expense in creating rooms that would accurately depict the horrors that await those who don't simply give up when America decides to go wage a glorious, bloody war against them.  “It should be real hoot to see how fast a crowd of unsaved people starts praying to Jesus when a few rocket launchers are pointed in their direction,” said Pastor Deacon Fred. 

“Normally we go with different theme rooms for our Hell Houses,” said Senior High Youth Pastor, Geoffrey Weaver. “But this year, the Board of Deacons challenged us to create a whole house based on one theme – war – because no other theme – outside of Jesus' temperamental fury – allows for quite so much grisly mayhem.”  Weaver at first expressed concern about having to lose the traditional abortion room in order to accomplish the task. “No Hell House is complete without a blood spattered abortion room,” said Weaver. “A lot of folks thought we would have to leave all of our thousands of fetuses bottled up in formaldehyde until our St. Paul Hill Christian persecution commemorative in November.  But there is no way in tarnation you can address a biblically inspired battle without throwing in some involuntary abortions, my friends!  The Lord's battle cries to the Israelites included commanding them to slice whole villages of pregnant ladies open from coochie to cake-hole so they dumped their eviscerated unborn onto the sidewalk like a pack of incontinent bag ladies (Hosea 13:16). The war against female civilians with child is the only time abortion is pleasing to the Lord, and we have some great ideas on how best to present that in this year's Hell House.  People will be coming to Christ covered in their own vomit after they see what we have in store for them."

Senior High Youth Group President, Billy Dawkins led the Lord’s calling to obtain real guns, real bullets, real blood, real body parts, real fetuses, and if possible – biological weapons and reasonably priced military grade rocket launchers for this year’s Hell House.  The Board of Deacons were accurate in their assumption that it would take 6 months to prepare and revamp the House of Holy Horrors, but they were shocked at how easy it was to secure the necessary supplies. “Those kids were working weekends and evenings,” said Pastor Deacon Fred. “They used Internet chat rooms, and something called “Use Net News Groups,” to make contact with other Christians around America who could get the appropriate supplies secured and delivered in a timely manner.  It is a testimony to God’s sovereignty that such a unified network of True Christians exists in this Nation.  Who would have thought that I’d pull into the church parking lot on Sunday morning to find half a dozen short range Ballistic missiles sitting there in a mobile launching pad – and a Chinese fighter jet in my parking spot?  Now THAT’S a testimony! A praise offering to the ingenuity of our Christian youth here at Landover!  Praise Jesus!  

One Senior High Student was able to purchase several grams of anthrax last Tuesday through a late night bid on E-bay from a Christian group that had overestimated the number of abortion clinics in their state.  “So you doubting Thomases who suggested we turn those Muslims in to federal authorities last winter, rather than keep them chained to the furnace in the Church basement, are in for a real treat!” reports Pastor Deacon Fred.  “Our Creation Scientists are working around the clock to get a sealed room built where the powder can be loosed on our suspected terrorists.  In my opinion, it will be worth the $15 entry fee alone, just to see those folks squirm from behind the one way mirror.”  Parents of senior high students are assured that their children will not be working directly with biological weapons.  “We have the kids restricted to missiles, rocket launchers, grenades, and automatic weapons,” said Pastor.  “You have my word.  The only powder our young people will be handling is gunpowder.  Anyone handling biological weapons will not be allowed to do so without Saran Wrap™ protections."

Since late August, no one in the State of Iowa is talking about anything other than Landover Baptist’s efforts to reconstruct the controversial Hell House from 2003 which was shut down before it ever opened - on orders from the Federal Government.  It promises to be the best ever. It will take place in the recently abandoned slave quarters on the Miller Plantation, one mile from Landover’s main sanctuary, and tickets for the entire week are completely sold out. There also appear to be more born-again Christians attending this year’s event than there are unsaved people. “I think we’ll see lots of folks re-dedicating their lives to Christ,” says Billy Dawkins.  “I just can’t wait to see the nightly finales. If people make it over the slippery piles of Baghdad limbs in the entryway without passing out, they are in for a real treat!”  Dawkins is referring to the evening Ballistic missile launches targeted at abandoned Catholic Churches in the area.  “Each church is situated at least 20 miles away,” says Pastor Deacon Fred, “When we hit ‘em with those missiles, it’s going to light up the sky like the Fourth of July, and send Satan scurrying back to his filthy little hole in the ground!”  Several retired U.S. Army church members have volunteered to supervise the evening launches.    



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