|Penis-Shaped, Talking Masturbation Teaching
Toy Marketed to Pre-Teen Girls!
ACTION ALERT: Christians Declare Holy War on AQUAPETS!
The manufacturing label on Fisher Price's new, Aquapet toy reads, "...they even have a few secrets, can you discover them?" For 7-year old church member, Martha Chumsky, that discovery was made late last Tuesday evening, when she walked into her parents' bedroom looking for her toy, only to find her mother standing naked as jaybird in front of the bureau mirror, wiping off her daughter's Aquapet with a dirty wet rag.
As is required under the Landover Baptist Patriot act, Martha did her duty as an American Christian citizen and reported her mommy's suspicious behavior to church authorities. Since her report was filed, there have been over two-dozen isolated, but similar incidents regarding lewd activities of a sexual nature where Aquapets were involved in whole, or in part.
Shortly after overcoming the initial shock of seeing an actual Aquapet for himself, Pastor Deacon Fred ordered the Creation Science Research Center to begin investigating the penis-shaped toy immediately. Their findings were even more shocking than expected.
"We've got some real sick perverts in this world," Pastor explained at a closed meeting of Deacons last Saturday. "The Devil has got a strong hold on them Japaneses that created this thing," he said. "This is worse than those pokemon pocket demons they came with out a few years back."
At an emergency meeting in fellowship hall, Pastor calmed a frantic crowd of visibly shaken and concerned parents by assuring them that he would spare no expense in focusing all of his efforts in going after the Aquapet menace. "Friends," he said, holding an Aquapet toy high above his head. "What would you do if you were sitting down for dinner and your little daughter plopped one of these giant plastic penises onto the table and started talking to it?" Pastor slammed the Aquapet into the wall, smashing it into bits. "Praise Jesus!" he exclaimed, as he reached down onto the wet floor to pick up the little creature that fell out the shattered toy. "You gotta smash it all up!"
Holding the little beast high above his head, Pastor yelled, "Oh yes! Oh yes indeedy! Looky what we've got here, folks. A little demon just lost his home! Brothers and Sisters in Christ, our Creation Scientists tell me that tiny liquid dwelling demons like this one here, live inside the tips of each Aquapet toy! And they talk to our little Baptist girls slowly... revealing disgusting secrets about sex! How them squinty-eyed Japanese atheists trapped live demons inside a masturbation toy and marketed it to pre-teens, we may never know. What we do know is that it slipped right under our noses, and we've got to stop it!
Pastor threw the little demon onto the floor and squashed it with his heel, yelling, "Take that, Satan!" He then turned to the crowd of concerned parents and said, "Upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat! And thou shalt bruise his heel!" he exclaimed. "That's from Genesis 3:14! Glory to God! Folks, if you've got one of these little abominations in your house, what I want you to do when you get home is to smash it up in your driveway and squash the little demon with your heel. The same thing Genesis 3:15 tells us that the Lord Jesus is gonna do to Satan for bruising His head! Praise the sweet name of Jesus! Remove these foul creatures from your Christian homes, before they turn your living rooms into dens of iniquity!"
The following Sunday, Pastor Deacon Fred informed the entire congregation that everything will be put on hold, including all September church events, and the planning and construction of this October's Halloween Hell House until every single Aquapet is vanquished from the greater Freehold, Iowa area. "We're going door to door and searching every home!" he said. "If you've got one of these disgusting toys in your house, then get rid of it or find yourself another place to worship!"
Pastor Deacon Fred also informed his close friend, President George W. Bush about how the Japanese are using Aquapets to teach little Christian girls how to masturbate. "He was mighty upset about it," Pastor told the congregation. "He promised that as soon as he is re-selected as President, he is going to make it a top priority to push a law through that will make it a federal offense to have an Aquapet in your home! Thank there is someone running this country that really understands the needs of True Christian™ people. Praise Jesus!"
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