|Effeminate Man Asked to Leave 11 A.M. Service
Freehold, Iowa - Church members were disturbed by the presence of an effeminate man during Sunday's 11 A.M. service. "His high pitched singing and lengthy, peculiar handshakes during greeting time left us True Christians™, and our Lord feeling a bit uneasy," said Pastor Deacon Fred.
Pastor interrupted the service in the middle of his sermon and had the man forcibly removed. When things were settled, the congregation learned that the gentleman was holding eye-contact and pursing his lips at Associate Pastor Ben Hurney for nearly 15 minutes. Pastor Ben mentioned this to Pastor Deacon Fred who began observing the man during the first part of his sermon.
"This was a judgment call that just had to be made," Pastor told the congregation. "I don't know how the 'riff-raff' gets in here, but somehow they do, and it's our duty to remove these abominations from the sight of God." Pastor Ben noted later that ushers should have known there was going to be trouble after the man insisted on giving Brother Harry Hardwick a hug.
After the service, in Fellowship hall, church authorities learned that one parishioner was 'sickened unto the point of nausea' after shaking hands with the man. He had to run off and find a quiet place to vomit.
The effeminate man was escorted out of church, and led to
his car by Baptist security officers wearing rubber gloves. But matters were
further complicated when the gay boy started flailing his wrists and yapping
at church Deacons in early Ebonics. Deacons were forced to stuff the
lisping Nancy-boy into the trunk of one of Landover Baptist's police cars.
The effeminate man offered no explanation of his behavior, other than to spit in Deacon Farnsworth's eye and mutter some explicative about film research. "That got Deacon Farnsworth rightly upset," recalled Pastor Wilkins. "He told me that he was sure the little gay boy was one of them Hollywood adult movie directors looking to steal one of our Baptist girls, or turn a choir boy, so Brother Farnsworth kicked him in the head."
Church members were questioned about the man and not one person knew where he came from. "He looked like he was here to cause trouble," one member remarked, "I got on my CB and radioed his license plate and description, just hoping that folks up the road can spot him ahead of time and catch him before he ends up defiling one of their pews, and possibly some of their children."
Deacons unloaded a round of buckshot into the effeminate man's behind after dropping him off on a stretch of highway 10-miles east of Des Moines. "You'd better remember this, next time you come snoopin' around God's house, looking for ideas to put in your sick films!" Brother Farnsworth yelled out the police car window as they sped off in a spray of dirt.
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