|Ladies of Landover Discover Depraved Cult in
Sister Taffy Crockett and Mrs. Judy O'Christian, co-presidents of the Ladies of Landover, were finally able to speak to reporters last Tuesday afternoon after spending a devastating weekend in Salt Lake City, Utah, a town in one of those states far west of the Mississippi River and very near Satanic California. "I spent the entire day Monday alternately praying and bathing," noted Sister Taffy. "I had Laquitia, my maid, scrub my entire body until I knew there wasn't a speck of dust from the mountains of that God-forsaken land anywhere on my person." Mrs. O'Christian was equally distraught after her harrowing experience. "I had to triple my heart medication and crank up the oxygen machine," she recanted. "It was utterly terrifying."
The ladies were referring to their attendance at the wedding of several friends of Sister Taffy. "When I attended college at Oral Roberts, I spent the days studying and praying with three lovely devout Christian girls who I haven't seen since," she observed. "You can imagine my surprise when I received a wedding invitation - for all three. It appeared they were planning a triple wedding. Remembering how close we all were, I thought that was incredibly romantic. Then I remembered that none of them had any assets and were probably holding the joint affair just to save money. Being the charitable Christian that I am, I couldn't say ‘no,' even though this would undoubtedly not be a high class affair. With Daniel out of town on business, and in desperate need of a companion (since a true lady never travels alone), I pleaded with dear Judy to join me. Now, I feel so guilty for asking her."
A charter jet whisked the ladies from Freehold to the Salt Lake City airport where a limousine transported them to a giant courtyard nestled between the towers of a collection of buildings called: "Temple of the Chosen Few." "Even though the architecture was unusual, with a name like that, I assumed this was a Baptist church," noted Mrs. O'Christian. "Little did I know." Bride-to-be, Ezra Cook, Taffy's best friend in college, greeted the ladies at the entrance and introduced them to a gentleman named Malachi Shemidiah. Ms. Cook indicated this would not be your run-of-the-mill affair, and she wanted Mr. Shemidiah to serve as an escort and explain the ceremony to the ladies so they would not be concerned.
Within a few minutes, Sister Taffy became suspicious. The entire congregation seemed to be pressed from the same cookie cutter. All the men wore seersucker black suits with black bow ties and iron-pressed poly-blend shirts. Each man had tag on thier lapel with his favorite bible prophet's name, and the word "Elder" underneath. "It was at that point," Sister Taffy recalls, "I began to think we had stepped into a Presbyterian Church." The ladies were all clad in hideously plain white dresses that covered their ankles. And everyone had a glazed look in his eyes and goofy smile on his face. This prompted Sister Taffy to ask: "What kind of church is this, anyway?" "We're Morons," replied Shemidiah.
Needless to say, the ladies were floored. "Morons?" asked Mrs. O'Christian. "Is this a mental institution?" "No! you misunderstood me" Shemidiah snapped, "I said we are Mormons." Sister Taffy caught her breath. "Mormons!" she exclaimed. "I thought all of you were killed in Waco. This is outrageous! I came here under the assumption that this was going to be a Christian wedding." Mr. Shemidiah assured the ladies the Mormons were a Christian people. "Just watch and listen. I think you'll find we're no different than you."
Now on the edge of her seat, Sister Taffy carefully scanned the entire congregation for several minutes. Over 200 people were gathered for the ceremony. Yet even though all of their clothes were clearly straight off the rack, Sister Taffy soon felt strangely safe, secure and at ease with this group. Then it dawned on her. "Why, there's not a colored person in the bunch!" she exclaimed. "Of course not," replied Shemidiah. "We would never allow a Negro to defile such a special occasion. Those kind are not welcome at special events. Haven't you ever seen the crowd at a Utah Jazz basketball game?" Intrigued, Sister Taffy continued, "You mean, you exclude them from your church? How can you do that? We don't want them around, either, but we have been hard-pressed to find any Bible verse that actually puts them in their place. How does your church manage to convince its members that Negroes don't belong around normal people." Seeing the ladies more at ease, Shemidiah relaxed. "Actually, while coloreds have historically been excluded from the Mormon church, the ‘political correctness' movement got the better of us in 1978 and the church unfortunately voted to allow them to desecrate our faith. But our greatest leaders have emphasized time and again that they are inferior beings who really shouldn't stand alongside civilized men.
At the ladies' request, Mr. Shemidiah quoted from church doctrine in a notepad he carried for occasions such as this. "John Smith is the founder of our church and a holy prophet. And he wrote: ‘Had I anything to do with the negro, I would confine them by strict law to their own species.' Our second prophet and former president, Brigham Young, whom the famed university is named after, stated: ‘You see some classes of the human family that are black, uncouth, uncomely, disagreeable, sad, low in their habits, wild, and seemingly without the blessings of intelligence that is generally bestowed upon mankind.' Despite these pronouncements, though, official church policy eventually caved in to the demonic liberals. Joseph Fielding Smith, our 10th prophet and former president, was forced to say: ‘I would not want you to believe that we bear any animosity toward the Negro. ‘Darkies' are wonderful people, and they have their place in our church.'"
The ladies began to feel more comfortable. Then came the bombshell. Once the music began, and the three brides-to-be began their march up the aisle, Sister Taffy noted that only one man was waiting to meet them. "What's going on?" she asked. Shemidiah answered with a grin: "He's about to become their husband -- husband to all three." This was too much for the ladies to bear. "I simply cannot believe your church allows such depravity !" exclaimed Mrs. O'Christian. Shemidiah replied, "Actually, official church policy no longer does. We had to change our official policy because America would not allow Utah to become a state unless we allowed only one wife per man. But most of us find this ungodly, and believe a man can marry several women. After all, women's role is to serve men. While this particular marriage may not be officially sanctioned by the church, it is holy in the eyes of God."
Even though the ladies had heard quite enough, Sister Taffy decided to engage Shemidiah in religious debate. "Polygamy is clearly wrong. Any Christian knows that," she remarked. Shemidiah responded: "How do you know Christ's wives didn't number more than one." Sister Taffy was now incensed: "That's blasphemy! The Son of God was a virgin. Just like His mother. He was conceived by the divine intervention of God in Heaven." "We don't believe any of that," remarked Shemidiah. "First of all, which "son" are you talking about? God had two sons: Jesus and Satan. Mary was not a virgin. She and God had sexual intercourse and produced Jesus. Jesus was then the bridegroom at the marriage of Galilee. He had several children. And God, the Father, has several goddess wives, as do the other gods who form the counsel over which the Father presides. You really shouldn't frown on marriage, even if it involves a second wife. After all, only through marriage do we, mortals, become gods ourselves.
The ladies were now in a state of shock. Mrs. O'Christian had collapsed into a puddle of sweat on the ground, fanning herself with a replica of golden plates, made out of paper mache, that she had found on a neighboring table. Sister Taffy helped her up, and the ladies marched straight up the aisle toward the altar, with Sister Taffy pulling her bullhorn from her purse as she went. When she reached the front, Sister Taffy slapped her friend Jane across the face and announced to the congregation through her bullhorn: "This so-called church is nothing more than a cult. You might as well all drink a glass of ‘special' kool-aid and let the rest of us be done with you. You people are depraved and disgusting! Why, every time that man and one of his wives engages in acts of procreation, they will be committing adultery against the other wives. This is the most immoral event I have ever attended. And I'll bet every one of you women wears tampons, some probably as we speak!"
Then came the chaos. The Mormons, still with plastic smiles on their faces, got up from their chairs and began approaching the ladies. "They were coming at us like zombies in a Halloween movie," noted Mrs. O'Christian. "I could feel Lucifer all around us. Those demons' outstretched hands were clasped around little Mormon pamphlets which they seemed to be offering to us. Needless to say, we didn't touch that devilish book." With rows of people blocking the space leading out of the courtyard, the ladies sought to exit the wedding through the temple. They were shocked to find men guarding each entrance to the buildings. Shemidiah explained: "No one is allowed in a Mormon temple except a Mormon in good standing with the church." One of the guards then asked the ladies, "Do you know the secret sign? The secret handshake? The secret password?" Sister Taffy responded in the negative. "Then you may not enter," he concluded. "Each of these signs is critical to enter the kingdom of Heaven and is therefore required to enter our temple. Heathens like yourselves are not allowed in here or there."
Sister Taffy feared she had suddenly been transported to the Twilight Zone. But she was not about to wait any longer to find out. Remembering something she'd read about the Mormon cult, she pulled a barely touched 20 ounce bottle of soda from her purse and approached the boys at one entrance to the temple. "Open that door at once, or I'll shake this bottle of Mountain Dew and spray it all over your bodies. And bear in mind that Mountain Dew has more caffeine in it than any other cola." The terrified young men immediately opened the door and the ladies ran through the temple, barely escaping with their souls in tact.
"This truly must have been a horrifying experience for these lovely ladies of Christ," noted Pastor Deacon Fred. "But I've warned all of you what awaits if you travel that far west. You might as well just ask for a pass to Hell. Henceforth, as a result of this incident, any Landover member found to be purchasing a plane ticket for any location west of Wyoming will be suspended from church with all privileges revoked."
The Landover Baptist website is not intended to be viewed by anyone unsaved or under 18