November 2000

At a joint meeting held last week, all of Landover's political action committees, in unanimous votes of their memberships, approved a resolution calling on the U.S. military to drop neutron bombs throughout Arab territories in the Middle East.  "We really didn't care what those Moslems did before, as long as they just killed off each other and Jews, and oil prices remained in tact," observed Pastor Deacon Fred.  "But now, oil prices are rising and five Christian American soldiers are dead.  We need to send a message that for every Christian American life taken, at least 100,000 heathens must perish.  For every penny rise in the price of a gallon of gas, another bomb will be dropped."

"We need to right past wrongs," noted Reverend Harry Hardwick.  In the mid-twentieth century, those people were just a bunch of poor savages with nothing more than the robes on their backs.  We gave the brownies money and technology so they could drill oil and make money.  We gave the Christ-killers guns and bombs so they could kill the brownies.  Now, we're being held hostage, as the Arabs restrict oil supplies and increase prices.  Such ingratitude!  We made a serious mistake before.  But history exists so we can learn from our errors.  It's time to take back the land and the oil in the name of Jesus.

"Granted, there will be some collateral damage," noted Pastor Deacon Fred.  The Israeli Jews will die, too.  But they're going to Hell anyway, along with the Moslems.  This will just ensure they begin their descent a little earlier.  Since this is necessary to protect the lives and livelihoods of Christians, it is well worth the cost.

Landover's resolution advocates the use of neutron bombs in place of less expensive fission weapons.  "We just want to kill the people, not the historic landmarks," noted Mrs. Betty Bowers, president of Betty Bowers Ministries, Ltd.  All the holy sites will remain in tact.  My company would bid on the rights to restore them to a quality acceptable for tourists of all means.  Except, of course, for the Mosque, which would be demolished to provide much-needed parking.  Placing a few Four Seasons in the areas Jesus most frequented certainly would not be remiss.  The holy sites should be open 24-7 for those who truly deserve to experience them True Christians.  In fact, I have already spoken with representatives of Pat Robertson Productions and we have tentatively developed a proposal to turn the whole area into a sanitized theme park, serving American food at all price levels.  Every American Christian would be able to retrace the steps of his Savior on the Vertical Ascension Roller Coaster."

 The church plans to send its resolution to all Republican candidates for Congress and soon-to-be-President-elect, George W. Bush.  All church members will be required to sign the resolution at next Sunday's services.






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