November 2000

November 2000

Pastor Sends Demons Into Flock of Wild Turkeys:
Associate Pastor Adolph Hecht was exorcising a feather-headed redskin near Church Farm and had to think on his toes. "It was either pigs or turkeys," he said. "I didn't want to risk blasphemy by repeating a miracle of Jesus so I commanded the demons inside that Injun to enter the turkeys." As a result, hundreds of Church members will be without a main course this Thanksgiving. The turkeys were gathered and forcibly drowned in Landover Lake to get rid of the demons. ;

Local City Ordinance Bars Jews in Freehold From Celebrating the Christian Holiday of Thanksgiving:
Pastor Deacon Fred, upon hearing that the law was passed, said, "It is only fair. If they are not going to accept our Savior, they can't expect to get our days off from work. Remember, it was Southern Baptists (called "Puritans" back in those days) -- not a bunch of Jews -- who were nice enough to risk rape and scalping to invite those starving, no-account Indians over for dinner. Besides, I don't know what Jews would have to be thankful for. They're all going to Hell."


Pastor Clarifies Ambiguous Sermon:
Last month, Pastor Deacon Fred delivered a poignant sermon in which he explained that Hell is principally populated by Injuns and Chinese . As might be expected, this sermon caused great concern among Landover members. Over 200 calls flooded the sanctuary the next day. The universal question was whether Pastor was suggesting that we are going to have to deal with lots Japanese, Korean and other yellow-skinned demons in Heaven. Pastor immediately issued a press release to assuage church concerns. "Chinese is a generic term referring to all the slanty-eyed people in the Orient. They are all Chinese. Even the Lord doesn't make distinctions between Japs and Gooks. To God, they are all hellbound. It don't matter what you call 'em. They all burn the same."

Church Bans Marriages to Canines, Cattle:
Landover's Council of Deacons voted unanimously in open chambers to pass an amendment to the church's charter which prohibits marriages between humans and animals. Pastor Ebeneezer Smith, sponsor of the amendment, told deacons it was necessary to stop the complete breakdown of all moral values which is the secret agenda of liberals and homosexuals. "Speech after speech by Republican leaders have suggested that the move to legalize homosexual unions will result in people eventually demanding to marry their pets or farm animals. We just made sure that will never happen at this church!"

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