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November 2000
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 Last
month, Landover's deacons voted to suspend the church's centuries-old ban
on voting by female members for the upcoming election. The decision
was reached after 10 hours of intense debate which often became personal
and angry. "This is the beginning of the end!" noted an exasperated
Reverend Harry Hardwick when the board adjourned. "Granted, Landover's
girls know their place. But they're just females, and like all females,
they are irrational and prone to succumb to temptation. Handing them
a ballot is like handing Eve the fruit. Where will it end?
Next, they'll want to work outside the home, then in positions in which
they actually have authority over men. From there, they'll want to
engage in physical tasks like playing sports. The end result is they'll
be yammering all their silly ideas at church meetings and, God forbid,
demanding to be ministers. We might as well just ask Jesus to take
us now. I, for one, don't want to live in such an apocalypse."
An exhausted Pastor Deacon Fred held a press conference in which he attempted to assuage the concerns of Landover's members. "This is not an end to the ban, just a temporary suspension," he observed. "As soon as the November election is over, the old policy will be reinstated. And we will never allow gals to become uppity or sassy. However, this is the closest election in recent memory. There is a chance that Satanic Al Gore could defeat the choice of God's Own Party. We must ensure George W. Bush is elected so he can put an end to the killing of unborn children and nix the demands for special rights by homos, coloreds and girls. We need Bush in office so we can get a Supreme Court that will return this country to Old Testament values and retribution. In short, this is a crisis warranting emergency action." The board issued a written statement, assuring Landover members this move is not designed to relinquish a woman's obligations to obey her husband and remain subordinate to all men. "This measure gives gals no real power," the memo noted. "The measure requires ladies to vote for whomever their husband tells them. And all men of Landover are required to support a straight Republican ticket. Pre-punched ballots will be provided to all gals so they won't have to worry about getting confused by the whole process. The real purpose of the measure is to ensure that we have as many people as we can voting for Bush. And since the liberal society in which we live views ladies on the same footing as men, we're going to exploit that and use it against them. All gals are required to register to vote in Iowa and in any state in which their husbands own property." The board's memorandum concluded by instructing all female members to
take their places at the back of the line at all polling places and refrain
from voting until all men had cast their ballots.
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