November 1999

Uppity Negro Falsely Accuses Church of "Racisism"

Local Freehold, Iowa News

"He is a dishwasher," Pastor Deacon Fred told the press on Tuesday. "He cannot be taken seriously." Church officials claim that Malcolm 'Joe Fly' Johnson entertains 'lofty notions about bein' somebody' when he is simply a 'nobody' who is not satisfied with his lot in life. 

Landover opened parts of its 10.5 billion dollar Christian empire to African Americans over 10 years ago. Pastor Deacon Fred remarked, "These folks are a satisfied people. They attend their own church services and are even allowed in some parts of the Main Sanctuary to do maintenance work.  It is just a shame that one uppity colored boy has to go and ruin so much hard work."  Landover maintains a solid relationship with the African American community in Freehold Iowa. Over 25,000 of them are employed and receive paychecks from the Landover Baptist Corporation. 

Malcolm Johnson, known among his peers as "What Up Joe Fly" was fired from his dishwashing job at Landover Towers on Monday for speaking out of turn. "Our policies are quite clear." Pastor stated "Colored help is well aware when they sign their employment agreement that one of our policies is that they are only to speak when spoken to."  Mr. Johnson was asked to leave because his appearance and language caused an elderly white member of our church to have a seizure.  "We have lots of folks who give an awful lot of money to this church, most of them have never seen a negro, and most of them don't ever care to." Pastor commented. "When this boy came out of the kitchen and bumped into Mr. Larson and said 'excuse me,' Mr. Larson fainted dead on the spot." 

Mr. Frank Larson was hospitalized on Monday, and later commented, "I was in fear for my life!  I've seen TV. I've seen what these folks do. I covered my face with my hands and prayed to God in Heaven. I thought it was my last day on Earth."  Mr. Larson is expected to be released from the hospital on Friday. 

Pastor Deacon Fred initiated a change in church policy since the dismissal of Malcolm Johnson. "We are not racists here." Pastor insisted, "We are people of God. We are concerned about offending others just as much as the next person. In turn, we will be asking all colored employees to be kept out of sight when a Major Donor or an elderly person is within earshot.  We love our Donors and we love the colored folks, we just don't like the way they look or act. That is not 'racisism' as you so eloquently put it, Mr. Jo Fly Johnson! That is respect! Something you need to learn before you set foot on this Godly campus again!" 



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