December 2003

Another Fire Is Burning in Waco, Texas

Baylor: America's Greatest Christian University
Commentary by Brother Harry Hardwick

Were Jesus to return today, He wouldn’t show up in that God-forsaken sooty-skinned wasteland CNN calls the Middle East and J.R.R. Tolkien called Middle Earth.  After all, the last time He preached to the Jews, they showed their gratitude by murdering Him.  No, my friends, Jesus would appear in the Godliest of cities, Waco, Texas, where he would face far less risk of being killed (unless, of course, He took the form of a Branch Davidian or a Baylor basketball player).  Waco has proven time and again that it is the holiest of cities.  Whereas our town of Freehold, while dominated by Christians, nonetheless allows poor heathens to roam its inner-city streets, peeing on sidewalks at night when not begging for food by day, Waco has a penchant for eliminating those it considers undesirable, whether this involves killing off a suburban cult of non-Baptists or expelling from its university any faculty member or student who doesn’t share its fundamentalist president’s views.

Many Christian patriots (pardon the redundancy) may not have even heard of Waco before the lesbian Janet Reno decided to incinerate a group of religious fanatics who didn’t happen to be Christian fundamentalists for exercising their Second Amendment right to bear arms.  But Americans have certainly heard of the Promised Land by now, unfortunately due to all the controversy surrounding the nation’s largest Baptist university: Baylor.  Whereas prestigious schools like Wake Forest abandoned their commitment to the Southern Baptist Convention for the spurious secular goals of quality education and academic prestige, Waco-based Baylor recognizes that such concerns are nothing short of an annoyance to a God who doesn’t like to be asked a lot of questions. So long as a Christian school ensures that all of its members are “persuaded” to accept the ideology and precepts of its principal financier, the SBC, education and reputation are not only expendable, but should be shunned like a perfumed harlot sashaying her way down your pew at church.

True Christian™ president, Robert Sloan, has ensured that Baylor not only maintains, but furthers, its reputation as a school of religious indoctrination, as opposed to an institution of so-called higher learning – the goal that most of its secular (Satanic) faculty members had hoped the school would adopt.  To that end, Sloan has proposed that a center be established at Baylor to ensure that university curricula conform to principles of creationism, notwithstanding that most of the school’s heathen professors support that ridiculous myth called “evolution.”  Under Sloan, Baylor has rejected the Satanic concept of “science” in favor of whatever Brothers Falwell, Robertson and other divinely inspired television personalities determine is the appropriate view of Christians -- data, evidence, consensus, and other tools of Lucifer be damned.  Sloan recognizes that commitment to his concept of God takes precedence over obscure, theoretical notions  such as the so-called “facts” or “reality” that disobedient, dangerously open-minded professors like to use to cloud theological discussions.

Perhaps the clearest evidence of Sloan’s commitment to the Lord is seen in his decision to model Baylor’s administration after our Godly President’s running of the country.  President Bush has guaranteed that we, the well-to-do, can keep virtually all our money, paying little (or no) federal income tax while ensuring that those too lazy and incompetent to become one of the chosen few – the wealthy – foot most of the nation’s bills in the form of escalating state sales taxes, fees and the elimination of the minimal health benefits they formerly stole from for-profit health care corporations.  Similarly, Sloan has ensured that countless Baylor alumni who became wealthy and enlightened after obtaining a high quality education (before the adoption of Baylor’s current academic agenda) have withdrawn their financial support of the university due to its fundamentalist agenda, thereby, like Bush, guaranteeing that the rich save their money rather than spending it.  Like our nation’s President, Sloan supports passing on the university’s costs to the middle class by making up the loss in donations from educated alumni by raising tuition astronomically, thereby ensuring that liberal riff-raff cannot afford to attend.  Even though the newfound cost of attending the school no longer comes close to the quality of education to be received, Sloan knows there will always be Christian parents willing to mortgage their futures to send their children to this gloriously overpriced, religion-driven institution in the hope that their offspring will meet a member of the opposite sex who is likewise fundamentalist so they can marry and have an extensive brood of future fundamentalists who will carry on their righteous hatred of those who do not share our view of morality.  Academic emphasis must take a back seat to the preservation of single-minded religious values – because it is the multiplying you do on bed sheets, not blackboards, that is most likely to drive the Lord Jesus into a hatchet-wielding frenzy come Judgment Day.

You would think Sloan’s willingness to selflessly sacrifice academics in the name of God would be met with universal praise.  But, alas, that has not been the case in the anti-Christian, fact-obsessed society in which we live today.  Sloan has been criticized by radical left wing professors and the media alike for such Christian endeavors as, during interviews of prospective faculty members, questioning them regarding their saved status, inquiring about their commitment to fundamentalist precepts and refusing to hire any who do not tow the party line, regardless of their qualifications.  I ask you: if an unmarried maiden applying for a job bristles at inquiries about the state of her hymen, how can such a brazen hussy be expected to instill chaste, abstinence-only values in her impressionable, hormonally-charged students?  What is worse, Sloan has actually been criticized for allowing Baylor’s athletic department to recognize that boys will be boys, cheating and murdering, instead of being coddled like a bunch of ballroom dancing pansies.

Folks, you and I know that collegiate basketball programs are dominated by colored kids who cannot even gain admission to a university without cheating, let alone maintain their positions as centers, forwards and point guards without allowing their coaches to have others take correspondence courses in their name.  But when Sloan turned a blind eye to such accepted procedures in American higher education, even though they had been exposed at Baylor, by allowing the athletic department to function unchecked, he was criticized.  Go figure!  As you can imagine, it is hard for an extraordinarily expensive Christian school like Baylor, that is naturally lily white in its student population, to attract strong, robust Negroids, made strong by generations of throwing poison-tipped spears and evading police officers, to join the student body solely to play ball.  Yet, when one of these deviants murdered another, the whole world got angry.  What did they expect?  Had the players been left in the ghetto from whence they came, far more would have succumbed to violence. But one little killing of a black boy, and the whole world cringed.  And when the coach encouraged his players to claim the murder victim was a drug dealer, even though he wasn’t, the media screamed “foul,” though we all know the boy eventually would have become one, given his kind’s innate tendencies.

Now, Baylor stands at a crossroads.  Its board of regents is under great pressure to expel the fundamentalist president.  The school’s faculty senate has overwhelming issued a “no confidence” vote in the school’s Godly president.  But, as we all know from the 2000 Presidential election, majority rule doesn’t mean diddly-squat when the Lord has a dog in the fight.   Let us pray tonight that Robert Sloan will be allowed to continue his mission of subordinating Baylor’s educational mission to its goal of ensuring religious conformity.  President Sloan, I assure you, on behalf of our entire congregation, that you are always welcome to preach…uh, speak, at our church, where we still value a man who prizes the nodding approval of the Lord Jesus, found in the clouds, over the perpetuation of so-called facts found in books.





Copyright 1998-2007, Americhrist Ltd. All rights reserved. Terms of Service
The Landover Baptist website is not intended to be viewed by anyone under 18

Click to Visit the Landover Store!

As Seen on Network Television: Wear Nasty Bible Verses
Biblical Wisdom Gear!

Like the Site?  Buy the Book from the Writers of Landover Baptist!
Click to Get Our Godly Book!

Value T-Shirts in the Landover Baptist Store!
Click Here!