Teacher Learns It's Not
Pornographic Smut If It's From the Bible!
The Passion That Knew No Bounds, a short story
written by Landover Baptist School for the Vouchered and
Saved senior high student, Truman Vidal (pictured right),
found its way into the principal's office earlier this week.
Truman’s teacher, Miss Marcia Blaine, was so
scandalized by his racy, salacious prose that she crushed
the essay into a tight ball and crammed it down Truman’s
throat during class, screaming “I will not have
pornographic filth in my Christian classroom!” as
cheering students looked on. Miss
Blaine then asked Principal Hargraves to expel Truman for
violating School Rule 1834(b)ii 9 (“Thou shalt not write
anything that would make the Lord Jesus squirm with
A heated argument then erupted between
the boy and his teacher about the content of the essay,
which Principal Hargraves felt he was powerless to resolve
until 14 hours later when the school nurse, armed with a
spatula and plastic cafeteria fork, assisted Truman in
passing the offending document into a Ziploc bag.
Once the essay was carefully uncrumpled and wiped off
a bit, Principal Hargraves, wearing hot pink Playtex gloves,
read “The Passion That Knew No Bounds.”
It was clearly pornography that knew no taste
and fit in seamlessly with the filth that smeared the pages
and filled every crease.
What bothered Mr. Hargraves the most in
reading the disgusting story, aside from the pungent aroma,
was not the unwelcome tingling in his groin, but the
confounding feeling of déjà vu he experienced while
perusing each disgusting, degenerate line. “As someone who
has never, ever read a word of secular pornography,” said
Mr. Hargrave, “I found the sense that I had read all of
this foully deranged smut before very disconcerting.
It was only after I talked to Brother Harry Hardwick
that I understood why Truman’s immoral garbage was
familiar.” After finishing the
story, Principal Hargraves phoned Brother Harry Hardwick,
Landover's top Biblical scholar, who holds the record for
reciting all of the Bible’s genealogies backwards in less
than an hour at the VII Annual Soulwinner's Olympics. Eschewing
an offer to send the essay over via personal messenger,
Hardwick instead requested that Truman's essay be faxed to
his office so he could examine it at his Christian leisure.
After close scrutiny, Brother Hardwick
discovered that the X-rated work was based completely on
Bible verses. "I have explained on numerous
occasions, the Bible is one of the most salacious
works ever written," Brother Harry later told the
school board. "But we are compelled by the Lord to accept
it, as the goings-on of harlots and whore-hoppers is
clearly something that our Creator is into – big time.
That is the only reason this disgusting garbage was
familiar to the principal – the good Lord wrote all of it
in a book Mr. Hargrave has been reading since he was old
enough to wipe himself.."
Brother Hardwick suggested that young Truman insert footnotes into the story, to reveal the Biblical source of each passage. "I would then insist that Miss Blaine change the F to a D-. While the boy should be rewarded for turning to the Holy Bible for inspiration – even for gratuitous pornography -- to reel off a litany of immoral carnal shenanigans is nothing short of plagiarizing the Lord’s hard work. Nobody should take the fruits of the Almighty’s shockingly smutty imagination and pass it off as their own porn. "
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