December 2003

Teacher Learns It's Not Pornographic Smut If It's From the Bible!

Click Here to Read Little Truman's Biblical Story

The Passion That Knew No Bounds, a short story written by Landover Baptist School for the Vouchered and Saved senior high student, Truman Vidal (pictured right), found its way into the principal's office earlier this week.  Truman’s teacher, Miss Marcia Blaine, was so scandalized by his racy, salacious prose that she crushed the essay into a tight ball and crammed it down Truman’s throat during class, screaming “I will not have pornographic filth in my Christian classroom!” as cheering students looked on.   Miss Blaine then asked Principal Hargraves to expel Truman for violating School Rule 1834(b)ii 9 (“Thou shalt not write anything that would make the Lord Jesus squirm with discomfort.”) 

A heated argument then erupted between the boy and his teacher about the content of the essay, which Principal Hargraves felt he was powerless to resolve until 14 hours later when the school nurse, armed with a spatula and plastic cafeteria fork, assisted Truman in passing the offending document into a Ziploc bag.  Once the essay was carefully uncrumpled and wiped off a bit, Principal Hargraves, wearing hot pink Playtex gloves, read “The Passion That Knew No Bounds.  It was clearly pornography that knew no taste and fit in seamlessly with the filth that smeared the pages and filled every crease. 

What bothered Mr. Hargraves the most in reading the disgusting story, aside from the pungent aroma, was not the unwelcome tingling in his groin, but the confounding feeling of déjà vu he experienced while perusing each disgusting, degenerate line. “As someone who has never, ever read a word of secular pornography,” said Mr. Hargrave, “I found the sense that I had read all of this foully deranged smut before very disconcerting.  It was only after I talked to Brother Harry Hardwick that I understood why Truman’s immoral garbage was familiar.”  After finishing  the story, Principal Hargraves phoned Brother Harry Hardwick, Landover's top Biblical scholar, who holds the record for reciting all of the Bible’s genealogies backwards in less than an hour at the VII Annual Soulwinner's Olympics.   Eschewing an offer to send the essay over via personal messenger, Hardwick instead requested that Truman's essay be faxed to his office so he could examine it at his Christian leisure.

After close scrutiny, Brother Hardwick discovered that the X-rated work was based completely on Bible verses.  "I have explained on numerous occasions, the Bible is one of the most salacious works ever written," Brother Harry later told the school board. "But we are compelled by the Lord to accept it, as the goings-on of harlots and whore-hoppers  is clearly something that our Creator is into – big time.  That is the only reason this disgusting garbage was familiar to the principal – the good Lord wrote all of it in a book Mr. Hargrave has been reading since he was old enough to wipe himself.."  

Brother Hardwick suggested that young Truman insert footnotes into the story, to reveal the Biblical source of each passage.  "I would then insist that Miss Blaine change the F to a D-.  While the boy should be rewarded for turning to the Holy Bible for inspiration – even for gratuitous pornography --  to reel off a litany of immoral carnal shenanigans is nothing short of plagiarizing the Lord’s hard work.  Nobody should take the fruits of the Almighty’s shockingly smutty imagination and pass it off as their own porn. " 





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