December 2004

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How to Prosper During the Coming Financial Apocalypse

by Mrs. Boyle (Joyce) Timbers


It may take some time before the full glory of a Christ-centered government takes effect. In fact, things may get worse before they get better. The damage done to our economy by Bill and Hillary Clinton is both inestimable and insidious - rearing the full strength of its disastrous head only now when our first Christian President begins his second term. I make this warning to True Christians and other co-holders of the godly Templeton Fund portfolios so that they need not be discouraged and that they may not only weather, but come out on top of any impending national financial meltdown.

So before you rent the panic room here are 10 steps to take to make sure you and your family prosper in the coming financial Armageddon.

  1. Consolidate your offshore accounts. The niggling fees associated with multiple numbered accounts can cost as much as a month's worth of French pedicures.

  2. From Diana Vreeland: use leftover champagne as a rinse for your blonde child's hair.

  3. Stopping and starting your SUV uses more gas than just driving: use your horn more often.

  4. Tipping stinks of socialism. Stop doing it.

  5. If your church has a soup kitchen donate soup recipes. Give a man a bowl of soup and he eats for one day, teach him how to make soup and he can eat for a lifetime.

  6. Cash in your krugerands and invest in Wackenhut, the country's premier employer of both prison guards and mercenaries. As the economy melts down the country will need more of both, so invest now. Wackenhut is privately held, but has two subsidiaries Correctional Properties Trust (CVP), and The Geo Group (GGI) that are publicly traded.

  7. Invest in Halliburton (HAL) before we spread democracy to Iran, Korea, China, and California. As long as any lawsuits against the company go all the way to Antonin Scalia and the Supreme Court there's nothing to worry about.

  8. Dispossess any children you even THINK might be gay before they're rounded up. Cut your losses now.

  9. Don't bother tithing to any church that doesn't compensate you with a Berkshires time share or occasional use of their jet. If Pat Robertson's Operation Blessing jets can ferry diamonds across the Sierra Leone border they can damn well take your daughter to fashion week in Milan.

  10. Turn your hobby into a faith based charity. Play Christian music and English language tapes as your staff works and claim you're running a Christian welfare to work program.


Other dollars and sense (cents!) articles by Mrs. Boyle (Joyce) Timbers
10 Easy Ways To Be A Compassionate Conservative, or How To Give $100,000 To Charity Without Spending A Dime
The DYNASTY Bible Study | Christian Life Lessons from Krystal, Blake and Alexis




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