Holiday Greetings

Pastor Wishes "Happy Hanukkah" to Those "Who Killed My Savior."

While touring synagogues in New York City and Long Island, Pastor Deacon Fred offered holiday wishes to local Jews. "Shalom Hock'a Hacked Up Hemlock to all those who read from right to left," he stated, but then added, "Wearing a Yamaha on your head won't get you into Glory. As a race of people whom God holds personally responsible for the death of Christ, you Jews are falling into the same trap as the Cathy o'licks, thinking God judges us based on our hats. The Catholics make their priests wear a beanie, their bishops wear a bigger beanie, and the Pope wears a hat that looks like an over-sized milk carton. I bet you folks think that God is sitting up there in Heaven wearing a big sombrero!"

While many Jews protested Pastor's visit, he tried to reassure them that he was not anti-Semitic, "Landover Baptist loves the Jews, in fact, we only hire Jewish lawyers. We also hire Episcopalian guards to watch them. We have to make sure we don't get Jewed."

Before ending his tax-deductible tour, Pastor told a crowd of Jews on a street corner, "If you didn't kill Jesus Christ, I wouldn't be standing here today, telling you that you killed Jesus Christ! But all things work together for the good, the Bible tells us! We are all part of God's plan. Some of us, like you folks standing around me, will honor God by going to Hell after you die. You will be tortured forever, so that those of us who are predestined to stand by the Lord's side will be glorified.  I'm not making this up, folks - It's in the Bible! Some of you Jews even put up Christmas trees in your houses. I thank you for that respect. I thank you for honoring our Lord Jesus Christ on His birthday, but I cannot offer you salvation. You were born to reject the Messiah and predestined to spend eternity in a hot tub in Hell."

Upon leaving the city, Pastor Deacon Fred met with some Jewish reporters in the airport. He commented, "I can't convert to Jewish'ism. You gotta be born Jew. You can convert to Christ however. I won't say it's gonna do you any good though. Your fate is sealed by your bloodline. I prefer that you folks concentrate on the here and now. Keep typing on your number pads, keep jacking up the prices, and keep defending me in court. Praise God, and happy Chaw-nickra to you folks who killed my precious Lord. Without His death and resurrection, us gentiles could never be saved. For that, I thank you."






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