Beware of False Holidays

The Ladies' intention was to find out if this non-Caucasian holiday is of God or the Devil. "Lucifer just lays in wait to prey on the immoral and simple-minded," said Landover Lady vice-president, Judy O'Christian. "So, when we realized it was a Negro-type event, we naturally became suspicious. We wanted to find out if those people were desecrating the baby Jesus' birth. It also provided a wonderful opportunity to see if we could locate sterling flatware that was missing from our homes."

Using coal from their Christmas fireplaces, the Ladies disguised themselves so well that they moved among the party unnoticed. "Our blackened faces made us look like everyone else." Taffy Davenport Gaines-Crockett remarked, "But we were just living in absolute fear that one of us would correctly conjugate a verb and be instantly unmasked. Fortunately, Negroes essentially look so alike that it is difficult to tell them apart, which is why I require my help to wear numbers." 

Having never been in a Negro neighborhood, much less a Negro home, the Ladies had no idea what to expect --except the worst. After an ear-piercing hour of profane tribal music, grape soda spritzers made with Thunderbird wine, platters of pickled pigs feet, pork ears stuffed with peanut butter, and fried chicken, the seemingly innocent, though horrendously catered, 'party' changed into something more sinister.

The Ladies reported that, after brief outbursts of gunfire between a few of the guests, the entire party moved into the living-room/crack den to witness the ritual killing of a stolen white child dressed up as the baby Jesus. "I was petrified," Mrs. Gaines remembered, "I was frozen in horror. I couldn't move. I mean, I wanted to at least make sure the child was saved before they killed it, but it would have meant giving ourselves away so I pretended to gnaw on a rum-soaked watermelon rind instead. It tasted dreadful." 

These fine, brave saved Christian Ladies had gone into the party knowing that anything could happen, but were confident in Jesus' promise to protect them from savages. "We knew that we were dealing with an unpredictable race of people," said Mrs O'Christian. "And the Kwaanza Festival obviously brings Negroes closer to their voodoo Satanic African roots. In the limousine on the way over we had speculated that sacrifices would probably be somehow a part of Kwaanza. It's not like these people have to worry about staining hand-knotted carpets. But, we just assumed that a small pet would be involved. Not a human!" 

After almost being caught, the Ladies made a hasty exit. "None of them noticed that we weren't joining in on stories about ways to break into white people's cars," recounted Taffy, "but one of the women noticed that Sister Marge was wearing a pair of $850 shoes Betty Bowers had loaned her. I knew we were in trouble when Marge corrected the woman, telling her that she had not stolen the shoes from anywhere. After that slip, I knew it wouldn't take long for them to realize we weren't one of them." After complaining that they had to leave because "the Man was making them work," the Ladies made it out alive to report to an entire congregation the following Sunday. Pastor Deacon Fred mentioned, "We admire the Landover Ladies Club for risking their lives to uncover this horrific ritual of Lucifer." As a result of the Ladies' report, all sanitation workers, dishwashers and gardeners on the Landover campus have been dismissed. The Ladies of Landover are also busy interviewing Mexicans to replace their black domestics. "But we aren't going to actually fire them until after the holidays," reported Judy O'Christian. "They may be killing white babies left and right, but no one wants to be training new help when you are expecting over 250 people over for a Christmas party."

 

 

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