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God's New Weapon of Mass Destruction: SARS

Sermon by Brother Harry Hardwick

It used to be called the Land of the Rising Sun.  But now the sun is finally setting on that wasteland and its inhabitants.  They can eat all the raw fish and rice they want, but it won’t increase their lifespan, which can now be measured in months rather than years.  They can keep reproducing faster than rabbits eating kung pao lettuce, but their population will finally decline.  All their proficiency in mathematics, science, running a liquor store and every other white subject they co-opted will do them little good when the Lord comes a’knocking.  God is fed up with Buddhism, Hinduism, Transcendentalism, Dalai Lamaism, Environmentalism, Falun Gongism, Communism and every other ism, all of which translate into Satanism.  By the time the Father is done, they’ll be coughing up raw egg and spitting seaweed through their noses moments before saying sianara to their godless lives 

I am, of course, referring to SARS, which means Sino-sinners Are Righteously Slaughtered.  Or, as those science-loving geeks at the CDC like to call it, “severe acute respiratory syndrome.”  How appropriate they gave it a name that sounds so much like the last viral infection God used to punish humans for acting more like David and King Solomon than his ever-celibate Son.  We may have become sophisticated enough to repel God’s traditional methods of slaughter, using pesticides against His locusts, reinforced concrete against His earthquakes and French chefs against His frogs.  But we are helpless against His viruses.  We cured leprosy only to have Him introduce the bubonic plague, then polio, then smallpox and finally the dreaded “A-word” that I don’t even care to repeat.  The last one is wiping out entire cultures of godless heathens in Satanic third world nations because, as all American Christians know, the Lord would rather they wither away in excruciating agony than put on that symbol of secular debauchery, a Latex condom.

I’m happy to say, friends, that the Old God is back.  The God of the Old Testament is replacing the more lackadaisical, fey God of the newer book.  God used to wipe out entire races of people without warning, burning whole towns of perverts, killing off an entire nation of first-borns.  Even drowning every breathing human on land, born or unborn.  But the more contemporary God has been somewhat timid, allowing the occasional holocaust, but mainly sitting back and watching our folly with amusement.  But no more.  God is finally striking back, signaling the End Times will soon be upon us.  Devout Brothers-in-Christ, Falwell and Robertson had the guts to admit God struck down the World Trade Center and 3,000 of its inhabitants to punish America for being overrun with homos and feminazis.  This church was the first to report that God struck down the shuttles Challenger and Columbia to keep Jews from trying to invade His turf. And now God has created yet another debilitating virus to show his disapproval of all those people living on the wrong  side of the world.   Friends, remember when we were kids and told our daddies that we were digging a hole to China in the back yard?  Mine always warned me that I would have to go through Hell to get to China.  Well, after the Lord gets through with those opium-freaks, you won't be able to tell the difference!

I used to call them Orientals, until one of those Focus on the Family focus groups told me that wasn’t “politically correct” any more.  As a Man of God, the last thing I ever want to do is offend anyone, no matter how depraved, disgusting and devoid of merit they may be.  So I now just refer to them as “Nese.”  By “Nese” I mean all of them – Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, Vietnamese, Koreanese – the whole kit-and-kaboodle.  The Nese invented  virtually every pagan religion that has ever existed.  They worship cows, chickens and just about any animal that has ever graced a barnyard, except the Lamb because we had already called that one.  They pray to obese, bald men with feet where their hands should be and a belly where a shirt should be.  They worship everyone except the Right One.  It was only a matter of time before our jealous, vengeful, wrathful God could stand the lack of attention no longer and struck back with impunity. 

It’s not like they haven’t been warned.  God has saddled them with numerous deficits over the generations, to no avail.  When it became clear they would multiply like cockroaches, He struck them with midgetitis so they’d take up less space.  And He ensured that all body parts of the males were proportionate to that height to deter the multiplication, if you get my drift.  He hit them all with jaundice to discourage the rampant sexuality and to make sure you could pick them out in a crowd.  After that Tower of Babel incident, He gave them the most difficult and annoying of the diverse languages, for which it takes an artist two or three hours just to draw a single letter of the alphabet.  No matter what the Lord did to show how much He disliked them, they ignored it all, just squinting their eyes at the Lord in reply.  And, frankly, the Lord finds them just as inscrutable as we do because even though He can read their thoughts, it's all in Chinese, which makes no sense to anyone.  So, the Lord really didn't know what to do with these paddy critters.  Well, no more. 

The last time God used a virus to strike down the depraved, He was a bit careless and made the virus too easy to acquire.  The collateral damage was great, with devout, masculine Christians getting it, like Rock Hudson and Gomer Pyle.  This time around is different.  It was inevitable the virus would initially spread rapidly since the Nese like nothing more than to travel and take photographs.  (Frankly, I don't know how they have time to travel because if they sat down to watch all the video they've taken, they'd never leave their little rice paper shack.) But the virus is now contained in cities like Toronto, a liberal city that welcomes folks no matter how Chinese, where there are at least a few saved Christians, at last count.  Nevertheless, we must not let down our guard.  Our Godly President has shown a penchant for keeping undesirable races out of this country (and killing them in their own) and, when they get in anyway, indefinitely detaining them on the ground they might have some nebulous connection to someone who might know something about someone who once met someone who may have once walked by a terrorist’s house.  He must show the same vigilance now.  

Needless to say, if not done properly, the liberals will scream this is racial profiling.  So rather than have a policy expressly excluding the Nese from entry into our Godly nation, the Landover Salvation Evaluation Committee has drafted criteria for INS exclusion that will enable the President to claim to the gullible public, and Ashcroft to argue to the Reagan-appointed judges, that the policy is race-neutral.  I encourage every one of you to sign the petition adopting these criteria that you’ll find by the doors to the chapel after service, and that Deacon Fred and I will deliver personally to the President at the next White House Prayer Breakfast.  Let our mantra always be: “BEWARE, THE YELLOW PERIL!


New Presidential Criteria for Exclusion of Foreigners

No entry shall be permitted of any foreigner who exhibits any of the following characteristics: 

  1. Sports a bowl haircut

  2. Carries luggage containing more than one pound of rice

  3. Has no eyelashes

  4. Possesses more than two post-graduate degrees in any scientific field

  5. Has skin tone the color of the First Lady's fingertips when the carton of Camels has been emptied.

  6. Utters any sentence containing more than three “ing” sounds or two “eye-yahs”

  7. Fills out the immigration form by omitting the plural form of every noun

  8. Has visible eyeballs less than a quarter inch in diameter
  9. Has any children that can play a Prokofiev violin concerto without music or error.
  10. Possesses luggage containing the deed to a dry cleaning store.



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