Sermon by Brother Harry Hardwick  

The liberal media is at it again, my friends.  I’m referring to all this nonsense concerning the fornication, nay adultery, of a basketball player from that devil-dominated country called “California” and the Colorado coal burner they refuse to identify because she’s embarrassed about being diddled by a black Japanese-looking person.  All the articles in the secular (i.e., Satanic) media discuss all this silly stuff about rape, violence, extensive hoo-hoo injury, blood (and not from the Perfect Lamb) on FUBU clothing, lack of consent, blah, blah, blah.  They never mention the only relevant point – she’s white and he’s just as colored as colored can be.  They’re trying to focus our attention on a straw man argument so we don’t consider the Biblical implications of what is really going on.  Yes, fellow Christians, believe it or not, even in this day and age, there are still sexual shenanigans occurring between Negroid men and normal women, who are apparently willing to endure an eternity in Hell for an afternoon joyriding on a sex organ of colossal size and stamina.  (At least she had the good sense to make him take her from behind so she wouldn’t have to see the depravity.)  Now, I suggest that any of you who brought your children with you today withdraw to the Gift Gallery (where you will be delighted to find that life-size busts of our President are now $400 off until Noon), because a subject such as this is too traumatizing for many Godly adults, much less for any youngster, who still believes in Santa and recognizes that people should know their place in life, to hear in public. 

[Brief pause for dissemination of Gift Gallery coupons and mass exodus of parishioners] 

Now, those of you who are still here are required to report every single word I say to your adult brothers and sisters in Christ who had to leave.  It appears that a major figure in professional basketball who, needless to say, is the Negro, actually had sex with a little white girl in Colorado [gasps from the congregation].  Don’t you know that dear Sister-in-Christ Patsy Ramsey is thanking her lucky stars she had the foresight to kill little JonBenet – or it might be her daughter under the weight of that brutal colored man?  Yes, friends, the perp, as anyone who has ever had his car broken into will have guessed, is dark-skinned.  Yet, none of the unsaved reporters out there seem to give a hoot about this disgusting fact.  Even though she admitted to kissing the colored boy [more gasps], the media have ignored the race issue altogether, instead focusing on whether she agreed to allow the boy to go any further.  I know most of you know nothing about this incident because you’re True Christians™ and read only the church newsletter, your Bibles and the message boards at Free Republic Dot Com.  But the heathen world has been inundated with stories about whether she, at some point, said “No,” as if that has anything at all to do with issue – or whether the Good Lord gives a tinker’s damn about the content of the conversation when miscegenates get nude and nasty.  The bottom line is that Kobe Bryant, the boy, is black as night, and the girl is as white as Rush Limbaugh’s inner thigh, so there can be no claim by either of them that they didn’t know what was what [grumbling in the congregation].  They met in a very expensive, well-lit hotel, not in a filthy alley, teeming with rats and winos, where this type of congress between people of different races normally occurs. 

Needless to say, they’re both going to Hell.  They will be in separate parts of Hell, of course, but both parts will be unpleasant, nonetheless.  Now, I know I don’t need to cite all the Bible verses prohibiting race-mixing (or, to use the PC term today, “miscegenation”), but I will anyway.  Take the pencils in front of you and write in the cover sheet of your Bibles the following verses: Deuteronomy 7:3; Numbers 36:3-9; First Kings 11:2; Nehemiah 13:25-27.  Got those?  Now, listen to this: God was furious when one of His chosen people (who used to be the Jews, before they murdered His only son) once brought a Mi-di-a-nite woman (some nondescript foreigner) back to his tent.  Fortunately, one of the Jews wisely took a javelin and thrust it through both of them.  God was so pleased that He released the eventual Christ-killers from the plague He had previously imposed on them (Numbers 25:6-8).  What a shame some room service waiter hadn’t been summoned to the Bryant suite with a bottle of ripple and a shishkabob of chitlins so he could have thrust the skewer through both of them.  It would have been like a scene from the new Quentin Tarantino movie, only inspired by the Word of God instead of by some skinny little Italian director’s diseased imagination. 

Now, to this nebulous issue of so-called “rape.”  The unsaved journalists seem to think that whether the boy raped her is dispositive of the matter – if he raped her, he should be punished; if not, everything is A-OK.  Christians know better.  If you are doing something that makes Jesus hold His Holy Nose, you aren’t going to get off the hook because you happened to be polite about it.  Furthermore, we know that God has only limited animosity toward rape.  The girl has admitted she said “No” only a couple of times, and in a timid voice, because she was afraid the boy would otherwise strangle her.  The Bible makes clear that when a woman engaged to be married is raped, but fails to scream out, both she and the rapist must be stoned to death (Deuteronomy 22:23-24).  But that is only the case if she fails to scream out in town, so we need to find out if this hotel was out in the country or not.  To God, rape is like real estate: location, location, location!  The situation here is also a bit quirky because it is unclear whether the chocolate-lover was engaged.  If she was, and the hotel was in an urban area, both must be eliminated.  If she wasn’t, then the boy is obligated to marry her (Deuteronomy 22:28-29).  Now, this creates an unpleasant situation because the boy is already married.  Since neither of them lives in Utah, has the surname “Osmond” or otherwise possesses the indicia of being a Mormon, the boy would have to divorce his wife, then marry the size-infatuated girl.  Even though the boy’s ex-wife would never be permitted to remarry (Matthew 5:32), that is just one of the many inexplicable consequences of the Good Lord’s edicts. 

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