January 2001

At a groundbreaking ceremony last Tuesday afternoon, Pastor Deacon Fred cut the tape in front of the main church sanctuary, thereby signaling the start of Landover's two-year $20 million church renovation project.  This mammoth undertaking has been in the planning stages for over four years.  "Our church is a house of God," Pastor noted.  "And since we know God spends more time in our church than any other, we had to make his accommodations more acceptable."

Under the construction plan approved by Landover's deacons, the pulpit, tops of pews and offering plates of the main sanctuary will be plated with 21-karat gold and inlaid with rare gems.  "We certainly want to outdo those heathen Las Vegas establishments," Pastor noted.  "The Lord deserves a nicer home than do gamblers and hookers.  And now we will have a facility worthy of the gold organ we won last year for saving the most souls in the nation."   Upon the advice of Landover's attorneys, gold-plated handrails will be placed on the outer ends of each pew where Christians prone to becoming overly filled with the Holy Spirit will be able to steady themselves to avoid plunging to the newly designed solid marble floors when the Lord moves them.  Daniel Crockett, husband of Ladies of Landover co-chair, Sister Taffy Crockett, has raised $3.5 million to expand the skyboxes of gold-star members and platinum tithers so they extend up to the pulpit.  "I spend hours every Sunday morning dressing and preparing myself for church," noted Sister Taffy. "I shouldn't have to endure the horror of looking down only to see off-the-rack frocks worn by lesser-level members seated below."

Perhaps the most controversial aspect of the new plan is the creation of a large side room for worship by colored and Mexican domestics of Landover members.  "We really had no choice but to include such a room," noted honorary pastor, Brother Harry Hardwick.  "Even the preachers at Negro churches that call themselves Baptist were filling their congregations with sinful ideas about welfare and so-called equality.  It was making the help uppity beyond belief.  And we all know where those Mexicans went -- to one of those ‘Our Lady of Idol Worship' churches."  "I was opposed to the idea at first," noted Mrs. Heather Hardwick, Brother Harry's wife.  "After all, we're around those people in our kitchens and yards all week long.  I had hoped we could at least get away from them on the Lord's day.  But my husband supported the plan so, naturally, I had to concede."

The additional room is being constructed at minimal cost.  Construction materials will come from demolition sites throughout Freehold.  The pews will be made of the wood that is torn from the old church during expansion.  All fixtures will be bolted to the floors and walls to reduce inevitable theft.  A large one-way mirror will separate the room from the main sanctuary so the occupants can see the congregation but the congregation will be spared the unpleasantness of seeing them.  The room will be specially sound-proofed so coloreds who ordinarily rudely interrupt sermons with their cries of passion will be silenced.  A single entrance to the room will be manned by a Landover security officer and a police dog.  The dog will sniff for drugs and the  officer will search the clothing of Mexicans for statues of "saints" and pictures of Mary which will be confiscated and disposed of immediately.  The entrance will be locked during services and opened only after all normal Landover members have exited the church and reached their cars and limos.

Officials estimate completion of the new church by December, 2002.  President George W. Bush has been invited to speak at the first service.



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