January 2003

Bibles to be Published With Parental Advisory Labels

True Christian® Action Alert!

Freehold Iowa - Liberals are screaming bloody murder again over the accidental death of a Landover Baptist child whose sweet innocent faith in Scripture sent him home to Jesus with third-degree burns after attempting to re-enact a scene he had read in the Bible where God kept three people alive in a furnace to impress a king a few thousand years ago.

"This child's faith in God and his untimely death should be a cause for rejoicing, not dismay!" yelled Pastor Deacon Fred from the pulpit on Sunday morning. "Through little Billy's example, other children will want to pick up the Bible and read true stories! Re-enacting a true story from the Bible is a whole lot different than re-enacting something from a fictional cartoon! Our children are acting by faith on the true facts in God's Holy Word and if Jesus decides to melt the skin off a few of them each year for doing so, well - it's not for us to question! In my opinion, little Billy died a regal death, worthy of any king or martyr for Christ. At least our Christian parents don't have to run around trying to explain to people why their children can't tell the difference between fact and fiction! Our kids are reading the Bible! They are not watching Bugs Bunny swinging around from a noose while eating carrots! How outrageous!

Early last week, Pastor Deacon Fred urged a well known liberal newspaper in Washington DC to reconsider running an article where they attack Christians and suggest that a Parental Advisory label be placed on the Holy Bible. "Our Christian children here at Landover Baptist should be praised for being able to pick up a book and read at age 10, much less even know how to write a sentence!  It amazes me how liberals try to hide their jealousy just because a conservative child might be smarter than their kid!  We don't need some Jewish lawyer telling our Christian families how to raise their children.  We are doing just fine on our own, thank you very much!  I just can't understand why people keep listening to these homo-loving, jackasses in big cities who don't even have kids of their own!  It's like going to a Catholic priest for marital counseling! It just doesn't make any sense!

The anti-Christian liberal newspaper article is going to release a list of ways that Christian parents can prevent their children from committing violent acts inspired by reading the Holy Bible. That list includes:

  • Limit the amount of time a child can read the Bible (1-2 hrs)
  • Monitor the Bible stories a child reads and restrict excessively violent Bible stories
  • Teach children alternatives to always using scripture to solve disputes
  • Read the Bible with your child
  • Teach them that God ordained violence has consequences
  • Preview Bible stories and passages for violent themes

Deacon Fred was so outraged when he heard about this list that he threw a television set out the window of his Pastor's study, overturned tables in the church lobby, and accidentally knocked over three filing cabinets in his library. "What's next?" he told parishioners on Sunday morning. "Pretty soon they are going to be putting us in jail for offending people because we believe that everyone who doesn't accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior is going to be burned alive in Hell for eternity! That's our whole belief system! Right down the toilet! These liberals make my blood boil!"

Earlier last year, Deacons and Pastors tried to appease the liberal media by releasing a sex-free Bible for children which turned out the be roughly size of a theater program. Church authorities are worried that if all references to violence in the Bible are removed, they will be left with a piece of scrap paper the size of a business card containing a few words from Jesus. "Jesus himself said he did not come to this earth to bring peace!" Pastor Deacon Fred reminded the congregation, "He told us he came to bring a sword! Matthew 10:34 Most Christians are already confused enough about Jesus. They've memorized two or three Bible verses out of context and have turned the Lord into some kind of a sissy, hippy! Well, I have this to say to you! Won't you be surprised when you find out just how loving your version of Jesus is, when He fulfills his words in Matthew 13:41-42: "The Son of man shall send forth his angels, and they shall gather out of his kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity; and shall cast them into a furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth!" And just to re-emphasize it, Jesus continues in the very same breath in Matthew 13:49-50: "So it shall be at the end of the world: the angels shall come forth, and sever the wicked from among the just, And shall cast them into a furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth!" So friends, I will not budge to blot out one more word from the Holy Bible to appease the liberal media! And these phony, John 3:16 limp-wristed Christians better find themselves another religion, either that, or stop picking and choosing verses that make Jesus out to look like a Nancy boy! I didn't create Hell or the idea of Hell, folks - the Lord Jesus was the first one to talk about it, and if you read the Bible, you will see without a doubt that He is not above boot kicking any person into his giant furnace of fire if they rub Him the wrong way!" Shout GLORY!




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