January 2004

For the 1,972nd Time, Jesus Forgets All About the Rapture

Local/National News

Freehold, Iowa - Hundreds of Landover members, young and old alike, gathered as they do each December 31st in the Landover Baptist Country Club's Cotton Mathers Presidential Ballroom for their annual rapture party. Those expectant churchgoers (exclusively gold and platinum tithers) who have been blessed enough to be able to afford the tickets are treated with the seven course, Your Last Supper on Earth dinner. This year, like every year, to honor conservative tradition, the succulent menu was taken directly from the endangered species list. A full menu of what was served during the five-star gala event can be read by clicking here.  “Since the Lord Jesus is going to fry up the whole world at midnight,” said Chef Pee-Air Watkins, while preparing the 8,900-calorie a ticket feast, “I’m not going to waste a lot of time worrying about whether table five just gulped down the last sea turtle in existence.”

For drinks,  the church served twenty-one cases of a 1967 Bordeaux that is rarer than the spotted owl heads used to garnish the melon ball platters.  Since there is a strict prohibition against imbibing liquor, church pastors prayed over each crate of the expensive French wine to remove all the alcohol – and the excess tannins that several of the ladies had complained about last year.  "The Bible tells us that we are not to be drunk (drink alcohol) until we get to Heaven,” said Pastor Deacon Fred. “We all know we'll have plenty of time to get drunk with the Lord Jesus at the Wedding Feast of the Lamb - as we understand it, the same rules apparently don't apply in Heaven, so wine will be served there and it would be rude to refuse it.  After Jesus’ mother Mary kicked up such an embarrassing fuss about not having any more free booze at that wedding she dragged Jesus to, it’s a pretty safe bet that Jesus will keep the heavenly decanters topped off to avoid a similar scene in Glory" Deacon Fred added that the Lord Jesus is known for making some of the best wine in the universe. "My guess is that God's plan is that we all get drunk and just have a ton of laughs watching all those sinners with their heads on fire, bobbing up and down, yelping like helpless little doggies, paddling to stay afloat in the lake of fire. I get the giggles just thinking about it," he said.

Church members played advanced Bible charades and Pop the Pickaninny until about 11:45 p.m. After that, they gathered around the Giant Jesus Sky Drop outside the country club with the rest of the Baptists whom the Lord Jesus, for reasons of His own, didn’t entrust with financial blessings enough to be able to afford a ticket to the party . As usual, sister May Clark’s ten, spirited children counted down the minutes in song like a saved Von Trapp family until Rapture time. During these final moments, a giant paper mache Jesus was lowered slowly with each tick of the clock, from the construction crane high above Landover Towers.  (And, of course, residents of Landover Towers who hadn’t read their End Times Newsletter, once again, flooded the Freehold Police Department with complaints about “an enormous peeping tom Jesus.”)

"I guess everyone knows by now, Jesus was a no-show at this year's annual Rapture party, but we all had fun," said Pastor Deacon Fred the following Sunday. "I gotta tell you folks, we've got ourselves such a slice of Heaven on Earth here with this great church, frankly, I bet the Lord Jesus came down to fetch us, saw our many earthly blessings and ran back up to Glory trying to cook up a way to make Heaven even nicer – worried that we wouldn’t be impressed enough when we Raptured up there and raise a ruckus the likes of which He hasn’t seen since Lucifer started that almost-successful angel coup." Pastor reminded everyone of what happened during the turn of the millennium a few years ago, when a few elderly and eager Landover members, who were absolutely certain in their souls that Jesus was going to show up at midnight, lost their lives. "Their horrifying story is a lesson to us all," he said. "Those of you who are not blessed enough to enjoy the Real American™ True Christian™ lifestyle need to work on your patience," said Pastor. "It's been well over 2,000 years now, and every interpretation of prophecy we've had so far has been wrong. Hell’s bells, even Jesus and Paul thought it would happen right away, so it is hardly surprising that normal folks – who aren’t the son of God or talk like they are – get their dates all mixed up, too.  We've got Jack Van Impe hoppin' around like a rooster in a hen coop trying to get his claws back around scripture every time a prophecy falls through the cracks. Let's all calm down and try to understand, folks. So, the Lord is taking his leisurely time, my friends. And so should you, in your duty to emulate the Lord. Have another glass of this newly unfermented wine and relax.  Go about your Christian business and enjoy your life. Find the wonderful delight that only comes from being more loved by God than the unsaved trash around you! Why be so eager for Glory when you won’t have that extra kick in your step that only comes from being just a bit better than everyone else?  Continue to memorize the sections of  Scripture approved for reading, purchase 100% Christian non-Chinese products, go to church, fight the liberal menace, sniff out sinners, practice discretionary witnessing, and be thankful that your 9:00 a.m. tee time at Landover's Leviticus Acres Executive Christian Golf Course was secured through your earnest and selfless prayers – and tithes commensurate with your love of the Lord Jesus.  

Pastor also told concerned church members to continue memorizing the following verses about the imminence of the Lord's Second Coming.  (Even though unsaved naysayers are fond of citing such Scriptures to show the supposed unreliability of Biblical prophesy, these passages simply underscore that Jesus loves His flock so much, He isn’t above telling a little white lie to keep its interest.)   


“Be ye also patient, stablish your hearts: for the coming of the Lord draweth nigh” (James 5:8). 

“Little children, it is the last time: and as ye have heard that antichrist shall come, even now are there many antichrist; whereby we know that it is the last time (1 John 2:18). 

“Verily I say unto you, There be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of man coming in his kingdom” (Matthew 16:28; see also Mark 9:1). 

“And that, knowing the time, that now it is high time to awake out of sleep: for now is our salvation nearer than when we believed.  The night is far spent, the day is at hand” (Romans 13:11-12). 

“Behold, I come quickly” (Revelation 22:7; see also Revelation 3:11). 

“Verily I say unto you, All these things shall come upon this generation” (Matthew 23:36). 

 “The Revelation of Jesus Christ, which God gave unto him, to shew unto his servants things which must shortly come to pass” (Revelation 1:1). 

“God, who at sundry times and in divers manners spake in time past unto the fathers by the prophets, Hath in these last days spoken unto us by his Son” (Hebrews 1:1-2). 

“And, behold, I come quickly; and my reward is with me, to give every man according to his work shall be” (Revelation 22:12). 

“That ye be not soon shaken in mind, or be troubled, neither by spirit, nor by word, nor by letter as from us, as that the day of Christ is at hand” (2 Thessalonians 2:2). 

“For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep.  For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord”  (1 Thessalonians 4:15-17). 

“But this I say, brethren, the time is short: it remaineth, that both they that have wives be as though they had none” (1 Corinthians 7:29). 

“Blessed is he that readeth, and they that hear the words of this prophecy, and keep those things which are written therein: for the time is at hand” (Revelation 1:3). 

“Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled” (Matthew 23:34; see also Mark 13:30). 

“Verily, verily, I say unto you, the hour is coming, and now is, when the dead shall hear the voice of the Son of God: and they that hear shall live” (John 5:25). 

“Jesus saith unto [Peter], If I will that [John] tarry till I come, what is that to thee?”  (John 21:22). 

“For yet a little while, and he that shall come will come, and will not tarry” (Hebrews 10:37). 

“He which testifieth these things saith, Surely I come quickly” (Revelation 22:20).




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