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January 2004
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For the 1,972nd Time, Jesus
Forgets All About the Rapture
Local/National News
For drinks, the
church served twenty-one cases of a 1967 Bordeaux that is
rarer than the spotted owl heads used to garnish the melon
ball platters. Since
there is a strict prohibition against imbibing liquor,
church pastors prayed over each crate of the expensive
French wine to remove all the alcohol – and the excess
tannins that several of the ladies had complained about last
year. "The
Bible tells us that we are not to be drunk (drink alcohol)
until we get to Heaven,” said Pastor Deacon Fred. “We
all know we'll have plenty of time to get drunk with the
Lord Jesus at the Wedding Feast of the Lamb - as we
understand it, the same rules apparently don't apply in
Heaven, so wine will be served there and it would be rude to
refuse it. After
Jesus’ mother Mary kicked up such an embarrassing fuss
about not having any more free booze at that wedding she
dragged Jesus to, it’s a pretty safe bet that Jesus will
keep the heavenly decanters topped off to avoid a similar
scene in Glory" Deacon Fred added that the Lord Jesus
is known for making some of the best wine in the universe.
"My guess is that God's plan is that we all get drunk
and just have a ton of laughs watching all those sinners
with their heads on fire, bobbing up and down, yelping like
helpless little doggies, paddling to stay afloat in the lake
of fire. I get the giggles just thinking about it," he
said. Church members played advanced Bible charades and Pop the
Pickaninny until about 11:45 p.m. After that, they gathered
around the Giant Jesus Sky Drop outside the country club
with the rest of the Baptists whom the Lord Jesus, for
reasons of His own, didn’t entrust with financial
blessings enough to be able to afford a ticket to the party
. As usual, sister May Clark’s ten, spirited children
counted down the minutes in song like a saved Von Trapp
family until
Rapture time. During these final moments, a giant paper mache Jesus was lowered
slowly with each tick of the clock, from the construction
crane high above Landover Towers.
(And, of course, residents of Landover Towers who
hadn’t read their End Times Newsletter, once again,
flooded the Freehold Police Department with complaints about
“an enormous peeping tom Jesus.”) "I guess everyone knows by now, Jesus was a no-show
at this year's annual Rapture party, but we all had
fun," said Pastor Deacon Fred the following Sunday.
"I gotta tell you folks, we've got ourselves such a
slice of Heaven on Earth here with this great church,
frankly, I bet the Lord Jesus came down to fetch us, saw our
many earthly blessings and ran back up to Glory trying to
cook up a way to make Heaven even nicer – worried that we
wouldn’t be impressed enough when we Raptured up
Pastor also told concerned church members to continue
memorizing the following verses about the imminence of the
Lord's Second Coming. (Even
though unsaved naysayers are fond of citing such Scriptures
to show the supposed unreliability of Biblical prophesy,
these passages simply underscore that Jesus loves His flock
so much, He isn’t above telling a little white lie to keep
its interest.)
“Be ye
also patient, stablish your hearts: for the coming of the
Lord draweth nigh” (James 5:8). “Little
children, it is the last time: and as ye have heard that
antichrist shall come, even now are there many antichrist;
whereby we know that it is the last time (1 John 2:18). “Verily I
say unto you, There be some standing here, which shall not
taste of death, till they see the Son of man coming in his
kingdom” (Matthew 16:28; see also Mark 9:1). “And
that, knowing the time, that now it is high time to awake
out of sleep: for now is our salvation nearer than when we
believed. The
night is far spent, the day is at hand” (Romans
13:11-12). “Behold, I come quickly” (Revelation 22:7; see also Revelation 3:11). “Verily I
say unto you, All these things shall come upon this
generation” (Matthew 23:36). “The
Revelation of Jesus Christ, which God gave unto him, to shew
unto his servants things which must shortly come to pass” (Revelation
1:1). “God, who
at sundry times and in divers manners spake in time past
unto the fathers by the prophets, Hath in these last days
spoken unto us by his Son” (Hebrews 1:1-2). “And,
behold, I come quickly; and my reward is with me, to give
every man according to his work shall be” (Revelation
22:12). “That ye
be not soon shaken in mind, or be troubled, neither by
spirit, nor by word, nor by letter as from us, as that the
day of Christ is at hand” (2 Thessalonians 2:2). “For this
we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are
alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not
prevent them which are asleep.
For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a
shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump
of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we
which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with
them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so
shall we ever be with the Lord”
(1 Thessalonians 4:15-17). “But this
I say, brethren, the time is short: it remaineth, that both
they that have wives be as though they had none” (1
Corinthians 7:29). “Blessed
is he that readeth, and they that hear the words of this
prophecy, and keep those things which are written therein:
for the time is at hand” (Revelation 1:3). “Verily I
say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these
things be fulfilled” (Matthew 23:34; see also Mark
13:30). “Verily,
verily, I say unto you, the hour is coming, and now is,
when the dead shall hear the voice of the Son of God: and
they that hear shall live” (John 5:25). “Jesus
saith unto [Peter], If I will that [John] tarry till I come,
what is that to thee?”
(John 21:22). “For yet
a little while, and he that shall come will come, and will
not tarry” (Hebrews 10:37). “He which testifieth these things saith, Surely I come quickly” (Revelation 22:20).
Copyright
1996- Whenever Jesus Says It's Over, Americhrist Ltd.
All rights reserved. TOS
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there
and raise a ruckus the likes of which He hasn’t seen since
Lucifer started that almost-successful angel coup."
Pastor reminded everyone of what happened during the turn of
the millennium a few years ago, when a few elderly and eager
Landover members, who were absolutely certain in their souls
that Jesus was going to show up at midnight, lost their
lives. "
RAPTURE MEMORY VERSES:
