January 2005

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God Fails to Break His Own Record for Killing

True Christian™ World News:  God's Wrath Touches Down in Asia

Freehold, Iowa - Not since the time of Noah has God used water so effectively to harass sinners and wreak havoc upon those who don't flatter Him with sufficient regularity.  As unsaved, impoverished Hindus toiled in beachside shacks on Christmas instead of exchanging expensive gifts from American department stores to celebrate the Baby Jesus' Birthday, the Lord was plotting their horrific, briny demise. True Christians know from the Great Flood that one of God's favorite ways to indiscriminately kill enormous swaths of children is by drowning them and watching them gasp for air and while floating like little discarded Styrofoam cups in the tide.  Sometimes, He extends an enormous hand as if He is about to rescue the bobbing tot, only to retract it at the last minute to teach the drowning child a valuable lesson about the ineffable nature of God's love. 

While American Christians have long delighted in the carnage that resulted from the Lord's irascibility as depicted in countless, grisly episodes in the Old Testament, the present-day flooding in Asia brought home the enormous power of their deity more vividly because of its immediacy.  After all, there were no 24-hour news cycles in Samaria.  As Pastor Deacon Fred said during Wednesday evening services, "My stars! It really is something to see the glorious purity of God's Biblical wrath unfold on a 62-inch plasma wide screen in HDTV from the comfort of your own Christian living room. These are certainly amazing times for technology when the Almighty's insatiable appetite for snatching little infants from their unsaved mothers' arms are transported directly from the pages of the Bible right into your home theater!  We ran plum clean out of popcorn! Praise Jesus!"

The Bible teaches us that God Almighty holds the world record for genocide with Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin arguing over bragging rights for second and third place that are rendered so miniscule by the Lord's body count they are irrelevant. While a tornado or mudslide is seen as God's calling card, many Christians have been growing concerned by the less-impressive scale of Heavenly-provoked disasters recently.  "I don't know," said Sister Inez, "it was almost as if the Lord was getting too old to really stir things up any more.  Even them hurricanes that ran through Florida barely killed anyone.  I was mighty concerned of late that the Lord was downsizing.  And no one wants to worship a god that can't kill as many folks as that phony Muslim god over there in them sand countries." 

For those of us who are permitted to watch secular television, last week was a heartening reminder that the Lord has not lost his knack for slaughter on an impressive scale.  For churchgoers who catch their news on the 700-Club, you will probably hear about this major world event in a few months, so this might come as quite a shock. God used what unsaved Chinese people call a "sashimi" to wipe out over 100,000 yellow unbelievers in one fell splash . What used to take 40 days and 40 nights, the Lord is now able to accomplish in a single day. Church officials agree it is very likely that God picked the last week of December to initiate this massive undertaking because He was far behind in meeting His annual quota to populate Hell.

Landover Baptist Creation Scientists who track the Lord's killing patterns globally 24/7 predicted earlier this year that God could be getting testy because his Christian troops in Iraq were pansy footing as far as the killing goes, and making Him look bad. "We thought that He was gearing up for something," said Creation Scientist, Dr. Jonathan Edwards. "A little earthquake here, a hurricane, a few tornadoes, some epidemics - and still no lead story. Well, we all know what happens when the Lord gets bumped out of the front page. The Bible says he is a jealous God. You don't want to stand in the way of a jealous God, especially one who enjoys killing en-masse just to get the lead story for a few days."

President Bush has been slow in responding with aid in this tragedy, and rightly so. "The UN has been making sniping remarks about our cloistered President not making a public statement earlier about this so-called tragedy," said Mrs. Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian, "but I think his advisers wisely chose to keep him away from microphones when he would have to wrangle with the word, 'Phuket.'"  Further, there were simply not enough Americans affected to warrant our President's attention. Unlike Florida, no aid relief to Thailand would translate into votes. Besides, President Bush is a True Christian™ and although he will admit this is a great tragedy, he knows the greater tragedy is that 99% of those who perished were unsaved, and according to the Bible, they are being tortured in eternal hellfire right now.   "I bet they are missing all that cool water that killed them right about now," said Mr. Bush in Crawford.

"What saddens me the most," says Pastor Deacon Fred, "is that that those who perish in countries I can't pronounce were never able to visit America so they could have met someone who could have led them to Christ. These ignorant folks could have avoided going to Hell and being tortured for eternity after dying such horrible deaths if they would have had the common sense to buy a plane ticket and fly somewhere to hear the Gospel. Instead, those Hindus and Buddhists spent their lives praying to statues of demons with six arms and pointy heads - that sort of behavior aggravates the Lord to no end, and we see where it gets you!"

Click Here for More True Christian perspectives on the Asia Disaster.  And click here for even more!

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