Official Findings | Board of Deacons

The Landover Board of Deacons answered this question with a resounding “No” Monday night. As all church members know, every Monday, the board discusses one of the seemingly countless inexplicable theological quandaries presented by the Good Book. The board then presents its unequivocal findings to the men of the church so they can tell their wives what to say should the issue ever come up in casual conversation at the beauty parlor or mall. Last week, newly retained Pastor Stuart Mill instigated the most heated and angry debate among the board since the 1997 proposal by the late Deacon Darren Cravitz to condemn witch burnings was soundly defeated. Pastor Mill suggested the Lord Jesus Christ was actually a black man! After 15 minutes of angry debate, the Board unanimously rejected Mill’s claims. (Mill’s vote was not counted since he resigned from the church and left Freehold after his family’s home was destroyed by an electrical fire Tuesday night.) Pastor Deacon Fred ordered that the transcript of the meeting be posted here, so all churchgoers can see how outrageous such a thought is and avoid any repetition of the claim.

Deacon Fred: I asked Pastor Mill, the most recent addition to our clergy, to select and introduce an important unresolved Biblical issue so we can resolve it tonight and tell our members tomorrow what they are to believe. Pastor Mill . . .

Mill:Thank you, Deacon Fred. For many years, there has been a significant disagreement among Biblical scholars over Jesus Christ’s heritage, in particular, what race he was. After several years of research, I have come to the conclusion that . . .

Brother Harry: Excuse me, Pastor Mill, but you’re new to the church and may be under the misimpression that this meeting is an informal gathering of church executives to banter and tell jokes, much like Thursday night at the lodge. We’re here to discuss serious issues, and our membership is eager to learn what we’ve decided the Lord’s often indecipherable statements really mean this week. Now, please, introduce tonight’s real issue.

Mill: I am quite serious, Brother Harry. After spending hundreds of hours researching genealogies and Christ’s lineage, I have come to the conclusion that the Lord was, without question, a descendant of the Negroid race. The evidence is overwhelming that . . .

Deacon Crockett: Pastor, do you really expect us to believe that the Son of God, the most worthy man ever to walk the face of God’s green planet, was colored? What are you going to suggest next? That Osama bin Looney is the second coming? That Madonna is as pure as her namesake? That the Pope is really a Christian?

[Laughter.]

Mill: The evidence is conclusive. Most of the people mentioned in the Bible were of races of dark complexion. And the region that Jesus came from featured only people of the Negroid and Mongoloid races. There were no Caucasians in Egypt or the surrounding areas at the time.

Brother Harry: That simply shows those were the most depraved regions, with the people most in need of salvation. God couldn’t put Jesus in America because there wasn’t an America yet. Just a bunch of savages He hadn't sent us to kill yet who wouldn’t know the difference between an unclean animal and an unleavened loaf of bread. The bottom line is that God impregnated that woman with a boy in His own image – white, blue-eyed and brown-haired. Now, the rest of you have been around me long enough to know that I don't give a hoot heck about secular science, but don't tell me that the great Almighty – the most powerful being in the Universe -- has recessive genes! The fact that Jesus would have to spend his life wandering around people of much lesser heritage is just another of the trials His father gave Him – second only to being killed by those folks.

Mill: Nothing in the Bible says the Father was a white man or that His image would be as you described. Jesus is a descendant of Abraham, who came from the Samarian city of Ur of Chaldes, which was a black civilization, like many, if not most, of the societies described in the Bible.

Deacon Fred: So now you’re telling us Abraham and the other prophets were colored? I suppose you also think Noah was one of them and only found out about that ark because he was trying to steal its radio and lured all the animals onto the ark with a block of fatback. And I guess the apostles were the world’s first rap group. Don’t you think that whale would have spit out Jonah a lot sooner than three days?

[Laughter]

Mill: We know that Noah’s son, Ham, was a Negro. Jesus descended from a number of Ham’s ancestors, including Tamar, Rahab, Ruth, Naomi, Bathsheba and Jezebel.

Deacon Wilson: Now, I'll grant you that Jesus did not come from our sort – being born of a poor Jew. After all, who even knew there was such a thing?

[Laughter]

But the Lord Jesus on High did not descend from a pack of colored hookers, my friend!..

[Laughter]

Brother Harry: Mr. Mill, you’ve just disproved your own argument. Everyone here is familiar with the story in Genesis about the night Noah got drunk, stripped and passed out, and Ham went into the tent to stare at his father’s tally-whacker. Apparently, it was quite a sight to see! Noah condemned Ham’s descendants to be servants of mankind forever. The Son of God wasn’t a slave, and nothing in the Bible said He came from slaves.

Deacon Fred: I suppose Mr. Mill thinks that when Jesus washed the apostles’ feet, that was part of His plantation owner’s job description.

[Laughter]

Mill: The bottom line is that there is no description of Jesus’ ethnicity or physical appearance in the Bible. And no one has uncovered any drawings or paintings of Him made while He was alive. The first pictures of Jesus came hundreds of years after His death, by artisans commissioned by the white Roman Catholic Church.

Brother Harry: There are also no pictures of Jesus wearing a backwards baseball cap or sporting a brillo pad on his head. However, we do have pictures drawn by True Christians®, then known as Protestants, many years after the idol-worshipers started drawing Him. And even though these True Christians® didn’t live with Jesus, they were inspired by God to correctly sketch His likeness, much as King James was inspired by God to write the Bible in the way it was supposed to be written. We know all this by faith. Faith, sir, is something that supersedes all your lineages and chronologies and scientific research. If faith can move mountains – it can surely clean up an inferior bloodline in a snap! I move that so-called Pastor Mill’s resolution be rejected, that all church members be forbidden from repeating his ridiculous claim publicly and that Pastor Mill be suspended from duty without pay until the board can decide his fate.

Deacon Fred: We have three separate motions from Brother Harry that I think can be voted on as a block. Answer “Yay” if you support all three and “Nay” if you oppose any one. All in favor:

[Chorus of “Yay’s”]

Deacon Fred: All opposed?

Mill: Nay.

Deacon Fred: All three motions pass by majority vote. Mr. Mill, I'm sure you have a busy night ahead of you – you've probably thought of a hundred other ways to spit in the face of Jesus and slander His Holy name. So I will let you run along, but you are to meet me in my office first thing in the morning. Meeting adjourned.