Godly Tips on How to Punish and
Beat Your Christian Child
"Blows and wounds cleanse away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being." Proverbs 20:30
From the Landover Baptist Department of Creation Science
begin with, a Christian parent must understand that a
child will never learn a lesson unless they are beaten
on their naked bottoms until the imprint of the rugged cross
is plainly visible on both cheeks. (Proverbs
23:13-14) A clothed bottom is
less humiliating and less painful for the wicked child. In
fact, the child may feel no pain at all if they are cunning
enough to sin while wearing heavy jeans or khaki pants.
A youngster who can sit comfortably after a Godly
beating will think they have outsmarted you and tend to
repeat their misdeed and feel a license to move on to more
hardcore sins, like rape and blasphemy. If a
child is able to sit down within three days without ointment
or a bag of frozen vegetables after their punishment, you
have failed as a Christian parent. A good
spanking should be traumatic and something the child will
remember well into adulthood.
2. Use a heavy object, a ruler is too
light, a belt-buckle may cause bleeding and suspicion from
liberal democrat schoolteachers
if you are careless enough to allow your child to attend a
public school. We suggest a heavy King James 1611 authentic
cowhide leather bound Bible.
3. Find a comfortable place to sit and ask
your child to come over and have a seat on your lap.
Act as if there is nothing amiss. We suggest that you
smile or wink at your child. If it is your daughter, say "Come
on over here and sit on daddy's lap, sweet heart. I want to
talk to my little angel for a minute." If it
is your son, we suggest you say, "Hey there, sonny -
how's Dad's little quarterback? Come on over here and sit on
my lap for a minute and let's talk about Jesus."
4. As soon as you have the child on your
lap, clench his hands so that he cannot move.
Immediately flip the child over so that his stomach is
across your knees. If the child struggles, give him a
good whack across the back of his head and tell him to
shut up. Whisper in his ear, "You're going to get a whole lot worse from Jesus, you rebellious, hateful, little
is the point where the child may act like a little demon and
start screaming. Be
prepared for this wicked outburst.
Have an athletic sock in your back pocket and cram it
into the child's mouth.
Stuff it back until you get to the stripes at the top
of the socks. Don't
worry: if the child is smart enough to remember to breath
through their nose, they won't suffocate.
6. Ready your Bible, and lift it high
above your head with one hand. Keep the child secure with
your free hand. Landover Baptist Creation Scientists agree
that the most effective way of securing the child for
beating is to clench the back of his neck like a turkey. If
they are still struggling, we suggest you raise your voice
and say something like, "I'll give you something to
squirm over, you little devil!"
down their pants and underwear to reveal their pink little
hiney. May sure
both cheeks are fully exposed.
8. To ensure that the child is aware of their misdeed, and
they never forget it, it is often best to smack the child
across the bottom with the Bible as you speak out their
misdeed. Each word would be one healthy
whack across their naked hind quarters. For example: "YOU"
[WHACK!] "DIDN'T" [WHACK!] "EAT" [WHACK]
"YOUR" [WHACK] "BRUSSEL" [WHACK]
"SPROUTS" [WHACK!] "YOU" [WHACK!]
"LITTLE" [WHACK!] "DEMON!" [WACK!]
and finishing off with a lighter whack, "did"
[whack!] "you?" [whack!]
9. Rebuke the child in the sweet name of Jesus, toss them aside like a used Kleenex and let them roll to the floor to contemplate their sinful nature.
10. After about an hour, when the child
has calmed down, have him sit on your lap again and read him
some scripture verses about Hell (We recommend, Matthew
13:41-42) from the same Bible you
used to beat him with. Let the child know that the
punishment he received today is nothing compared to the
eternal punishment of Hell where Jesus burns and cooks all
the bad little boys and girls who don't do what their daddy
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