March 2007

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Christian Girls' Guide to Spring Break Abstinence
Listen to Spring Break Warning to Girls!

Saving Yourself For Jesus!

During Spring Break, the number one priority for unsaved boys (especially lustful colored and avaricious Jewish ones) is to take home the trophy prized by pagans the world over: the sweet, warm blood of a virgin. Every March in Daytona Beach, that prize is attained by spilling the sacred hymen blood of a lily-white Christian girl. Here at Landover Baptist, as our college students make their way toward the godless, gibberish-mumbling shores of Mexico and Florida this Spring, they understand that whether they are a boy slipping on a pair of enormous crotch concealing surfer shorts or a girl covered from knee to chin in a modest one-piece swimsuit, their conservative swimwear is going on the body of the Lord Jesus Christ. And He doesn't like to flop about, displaying His enormous dangling holy parts in public. Yes, Christian youngsters know that the most important thing to remember when they are at the ocean (after the importance of using a 120 SPF so they don't wind up so dark folks think you’re about to knock over a Cancun liquor store) is that mixed-faith beaches are mission fields to share the Good News. 

As members of the inferior sex, Christian girls are more easily swayed toward the lures of Satan and anything drunk out of a pineapple. A young lady might have made a commitment to save herself for Jesus and abstain from the filthy, repulsive act from which the beauty of life springs, but it is often times more difficult for them to understand which parts of their body are off limits to the superior sex. 

In general, Christian boys are more successful in resisting demonic influences. Indeed, we've heard countless tales of Spring Break sacrifice from our Godly gentlemen, who've sacrificed their pride by resorting to mouth, hiney, and even boy-on-boy canoodling in order to protect their virginity. These are lessons many Baptists boys picked up from Mormon missionaries and can provide a reputation-saving technique for Christian girls hoping to save their precious lady business until after an expensive, catered wedding. 

Of course, Christian females have a hard time understanding the different parts of the slimy abyss between their legs -- in part, because they have been forbidden to look. Most Christian ladies don't even realize they have six holes (the number of the beast) through which the devil tries to enter. There is only one however, that upon entry, will destroy an angelic little girlie’s virginity and turn her into a debauched, fornicating Devil’s slut who must be drop-kicked out the back door of our church and sent to the Landover Baptist Home for Wayward Girls and Pastors' Comfort Retreat.

As any Roman Catholic priest who has spent countless hours eying the crotches of buff, young men in swim trunks can tell you, the Lord Jesus isn't the only thing that rises in the Spring. Danger of vaginal penetration lurks on every beach blanket. In preparation for the lurid temptations of Spring Break, our team of Creation Scientists has been kind enough to prepare the chart below. All female church members are required to carry a laminated copy it in their purses at all times as a "map" to guide them safely across the treacherous minefield of teen almost-sex, which is pitted with many a dark and sticky sinkhole intent on sucking young souls into their fetid vortex of sin. Choose the wrong hole and you will have chosen a whole lot of damnation, my teenage friend! 







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