Stripped Naked in Mormon Underwear Bust!
The following testimony from former Level 42 Mormon Cleric, Brother Zechariah Hosea compelled an entire Baptist church congregation to strip themselves naked!
"Greetings, and thank you all for having me here. As I am wont to do, I begin
each of my testimonies with a brief public prayer. So I ask now for every head
to be bowed, and every eye to be closed, thank you.
Heavenly Father, thank
you for delivering me from the cult of Mormonism, America's favorite religious
fantasy role-playing game that doesn't involve a genuine invisible god.
Friends, I took off my magic, low-rise Y-front occult Mormon underwear ten
years ago, and haven't looked back since. I'm going to pass my old skivvies
around the church now, (Zechariah steps down from the pulpit) here you go,
ma'am, you inspect that carefully and pass it on to the lovely young lady on
your right there, and so-on. I want everyone to take a long careful look at my
old underwear. Don't be afraid little lady; it's not going to bite you in the
nose! That's right, I want you to
smell it, touch it, and rub it against your skin to show Satan that this
little piece of 48-inch-waist poly-cotton fabric has no power over you! That's it... good.
Now, I know you've all heard
about Mormon underwear before. Normally, you would have to be a Salt Lake City
streetwalker to get as close to it as you are now. Well, after my testimony is
over, each and every one of you are going to be able to run home and tell
everyone that you've held the genuine article in your very hands. That pair of
Mormon skivvies is going to sell for a boatload of cash on E-Bay, and you're
going to find out why in just a few minutes, so let me continue.
Ma'am, please take that out of your mouth.
You folks might be shocked to hear me say this, but before this sermon is
over, the Lord Jesus is going to call on me to move with utter chasteness and
holiness in personally examining the undergarments of every single good
Christian person seated here today. That's right! I'm going to take a peek at
what each and every one of you has got going on under your skirts, dresses and
trousers! I see some of you shifting in your seats there. Ease back now,
folks... when you hear what I have to say, you'll happily oblige to my
Christian demands, if only for your own personal safety. Praise be!
And don't worry if the style you're wearing isn't the latest, or if
you've had a little accident down there during the last hymn – or even if
you slipped on a pair you found on the floor this morning because nothing was
clean. My eyes and fingers will
be the Lord's eyes and fingers, as our Savior said, "Nothing is
Brothers and sisters in Christ, what I am about to tell you, every Mormon
– except for that Marie Osmond woman because she is a crazy blabbermouth -- will
deny. And the reason for that is most Mormons don't have a clue as to what
hocus pocus goes on behind the temple door. Marilyn Chambers may have gotten
behind the Green Door, but those Mormons have never gotten behind the golden
doors of their temple. Oh, they think they've been behind the door, but there
are many doors in the temple, and many classes and levels in the Mormon world.
Ninety-percent of Mormons are level 14 Alchemists, and most of them die before
they get to level 21, so they never get any knowledge or power. I testify now,
that standing before you today is a former level 64 Mage with over 150,000
skill points as a Prophet trained class 42 Cleric. And that's as high as I
needed to go for enough magic points and Adena (a secret Mormon currency) to
purchase what I thought were the final undergarments needed to get into the
secret chamber and level up to 65. Friends,
to get to an equivalent level of learning in Scientology would have cost me
Once I got into the secret chamber, however, I learned that there were even
more levels and classes that I didn't know about before. And,
frankly, after some of the scary stuff I'd already seen, I wasn't sure my poor
heart would take any more information. Something clicked when I found myself
standing face to face with a level 79 Priest in silver t-back underwear and a
snakehead. Do you folks realize how many skill points and rare items are
needed to get to that level? Even
rich Mormons, like the Smarts – you know, the ones who sold their little
blond daughter as a sex slave to a local vagrant and then couldn't stop
yapping about it on TV – even the Smarts couldn't afford the fees to get to
a level 79. Even after their book
It was years later, after I got saved, that the Holy Spirit called me to a
True Christian ministry. And that ministry is to expose the Mormon church at
the highest level and lay bare the sordid secrets of
the Mormon world. I realized that in order to accomplish this holy
quest, I needed to obtain the most powerful underwear available. In order to
do that, I became what the Mormons call, a "Rogue Scout." A thief,
if you will, who operates outside the bonded rules of the Mormon world, and
obtains items through fleetness of fingers rather than skill points, in order
to level up quickly and exploit the vulnerabilities of my opponents.
At this time, I would like to ask Landover Baptist security officers to
bolt the doors to this sanctuary. Thank you.
Now, there is no cause for alarm. If we keep having all this screaming
nobody will know why the Holy Spirit is pulling at your elastic waistband. I
do this at the end of each session and there is no need for anyone to be
embarrassed. I want all of you to form a single file line and approach the
screened off areas on either side of the altar. Men to the right – that's MY
right – and the gentler gender to the left. When you are there, I want you
drop your pants, and skirts for you ladies. Carefully remove your underwear.
When you exit the from behind the privacy panels, drop your undergarments into
the large baskets next to the complimentary tithe buckets provided in
fellowship hall for your convenience.
I understand that Landover Baptist is known the world over for its
resourcefulness when it comes to security, and I mean no disrespect. High
level Mormon Priests and Prophets are extremely cunning, and there is a bounty
out on my head. Why, there could be one of these high-level Mormons sitting
here in this congregation today. Yes, it could even be one of your neighbors!
The only way for me to know for certain is to secure your undergarments.
Understand, for reasons I cannot reveal, your panties and undies will not be
returned to you. I will perform my Godly duty by carefully inspecting each
pair in the comfort and privacy of my home at my own leisure.
Thank you for being cooperative, and good day.
Oh, and books and tapes of the extended version of my testimony are
available for sale in main lobby. God bless!