April 2003

Fish Decals, Bibles and Hand Grenades: Landover Baptist Love Packages Arrive in Iraq.

True Christians™ Aid The War Effort

Freehold, Iowa -The Landover Baptist Senior High Youth Group shipped nearly 2,000 love packages to American Soldiers in Iraq this month. The Landover Ladies worked diligently over the last several weeks, going door-to-door to collect leftovers, filling Tupperware® containers with everything from half-eaten lasagna to Christmas cookies, while elderly tenants of the Landover Retirement Community donated a rainbow-assortment of prescription pain killers and just-like-new enema syringes for the love packages. Also included in the packages were King James Bibles and hand grenades.

Speaking to a group of American reporters last Sunday, Pastor Deacon Fred remarked, "We're doing our part to help American Christian Soldiers stay healthy and alert over there. We wanted to make sure that they have all that True Christians back home hold most dear to their hearts.  This, of course, includes stuff to remind non-Christians that they are just pockets of pus on the face of humanity.  So we are sending the troops 16,000 decals for their jets and Jeeps that show the "truth" fish eating the Darwin fish.  I also have a whole mess of them that just get more to the point and show Darwin flat on his back, dead. That way, when our troops drive into Baghdad, those evolution-worshiping Muslims will know that it is a Bible-believing Americans who are killing them.  And while we know that our well-equipped troops have more ways to kill someone than Robert Blake, we still wanted them to have our specially blessed hand grenades. Prayer warriors spat imprecatory prayers around the clock at each individual hand grenade since we were concerned that the incantations wouldn't take if they were done by the case, which, of course, would have been a whole lot quicker.  Now, those grenades carry not only a charge big enough to blow a head clear off its shoulders, but also a powerful curse from Jesus to send it rolling all the way to Hell where Satan can stab it with a pitchfork like some unsaved society lady spearing an olive in her martini glass.  And when they aren't busy killing evildoers with our hand grenades, they should be converting them with our Bibles."

An unsaved Presbyterian reporter in the crowd questioned the idea of Christians killing people in the name of Christ. "Shouldn't Christians be asking themselves, 'What Would Jesus Do?' before they take any action?" he asked. Pastor Deacon Fred responded by saying, "It's true, everything a Christian person does, is done in the name of Jesus,  since the word, Christian, means follower of Christ.  It's just that most of you liberal, fake Christians don't read the WHOLE Bible. And there was a whole mess of folks Jesus hacked to pieces for the least little thing  -- sometimes, just for stuff He thought they might say.  For example, you don't see his Earth-daddy Joseph mentioned past Jesus' volatile adolescence, but the gruesome way the skin was peeled off his body like a grape never made it into the Gospels because it would have rendered the Good News unsuitable for small children and Jesus, of course, didn't want that.  But even if you read what was left in, you'd understand that followers of Jesus who are afraid to kill people, had better find themselves a new religion that caters to peacenik pansies. Believers in Christ will soon be called upon by our Savior to fight by His side in the final battle of Armageddon. And if you think human wars are bloody, just wait to you see one of the Lord's wars!  Let me tell you: it's no place for sissies with weak stomachs. Talk about murder and mayhem!  What many Bible illiterate Christians don't understand, is that when you get saved, you are basically enlisting yourself in God's army. When he calls you to active duty, there is no backing down. When Jesus tells someone in His army to chop unsaved people up into little pieces, or hack off an evildoer's head with a garden hoe, they'd best be able to do it in an instant, or the Lord will end up using you as a human shield. If you are not for Jesus, you are against Him. And if you are against Him, you are on the side of Satan."

Now, of course, we do honor the letter of Jesus' Word by turning the other cheek. But, boy oh boy, have we got us one cagey Savior!  That whole "oh, slap me again" routine is an excellent way to catch your unsaved prey off guard, so you can kill them when they least expect it.  Jesus was no dummy when it comes to tricking folks.

To help share the message of Christ's love and American decency  with the filthy, uncivilized citizens of Iraq, Landover Baptist's "Fellowship Hall" was converted into a makeshift munitions factory in early February. The church also performed munitions work in states without pesky waiting laws (for guns, that is, not abortions). About half of the initial manufacturing occurred in Texas where AK-47's, Uzi's, rocket launchers and cruise missiles could be strapped to the tops of church-owned Hummers  destined for airports with police applauding rather than pulling them over.

Thousands of homeless people in Des Moines have mandatorily volunteered to give up their shelters and one meal a day (not breakfast since it is the most important meal of the day) in order to store and pay for nearly 4,000 cases of homemade hand grenades.  According to Fox News: "The success of this typically perfect Republican initiate in Iowa led America-loving towns throughout the Gore-hating corn-belt to turn their glut of homeless shelters over for Mr. Bush's divinely-inspired war effort."

"It almost brings a dewy tear of joy to my left eye, to see wonderful Christian communities throughout this Godly land, whipped up into a patriotic lather, evicting the so-called homeless," observed Mrs. Betty Bowers. "That way, they will finally, once again, start living up to their names!"

"These homeless folks gave up their beds to help the war effort, and we expect that Jesus will be asking many Christians across America to ask more homeless people to do the same," said Brother Harry Hardwick. Rev. Deacon Fred also thanked members of the Landover Baptist End Times Rifle Club for teaching the Junior High Youth Group how to safely work with explosives. "The whole church is involved in getting these love packages together, and we give God all the glory!" he said. "This is just a warm up for the battle of Armageddon, and hopefully by the time that occurs, we will have gotten this Arab killing stuff down cold!  Glory!"



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