Fish Decals, Bibles and Hand
Grenades: Landover Baptist Love Packages Arrive in
True Christians™ Aid The War Effort
Iowa -The Landover Baptist Senior High Youth Group shipped
nearly 2,000 love packages to American Soldiers in Iraq this
month. The Landover Ladies worked diligently over the last
several weeks, going door-to-door to collect leftovers,
filling Tupperware® containers with everything from
half-eaten lasagna to Christmas cookies, while elderly
tenants of the Landover Retirement Community donated a
rainbow-assortment of prescription pain killers and
just-like-new enema syringes for
the love packages. Also included in the packages were King
James Bibles and hand grenades.
Speaking to a group of American reporters last Sunday,
Pastor Deacon Fred remarked, "We're doing our part to
help American Christian Soldiers stay healthy and alert over
there. We wanted to make sure that they have all that True
Christians back home hold most dear to their hearts. This,
of course, includes stuff to remind non-Christians that they
are just pockets of pus on the face of humanity. So
we are sending the troops 16,000 decals for their jets and
Jeeps that show the "truth"
fish eating the Darwin fish.
I also have a whole mess of them that just get more
to the point and show Darwin flat on his back, dead. That
way, when our troops drive into Baghdad, those
evolution-worshiping Muslims will know that it is a
Bible-believing Americans who are killing them. And
while we know that our well-equipped troops have more ways
to kill someone than Robert Blake, we still wanted them to
have our specially blessed hand grenades. Prayer warriors
spat imprecatory prayers around the clock at each individual
hand grenade since we were concerned that the incantations
wouldn't take if they were done by the case, which, of
course, would have been a whole lot quicker.
Now, those grenades carry not only a charge big
enough to blow a head clear off its shoulders, but also a
powerful curse from Jesus to send it rolling all the way to
Hell where Satan can stab it with a pitchfork like some
unsaved society lady spearing an olive in her martini glass.
And when they aren't busy killing evildoers with our
hand grenades, they should be converting them with our
An unsaved Presbyterian reporter in the crowd questioned
the idea of Christians killing people in the name of Christ.
"Shouldn't Christians be asking themselves, 'What Would
Jesus Do?' before they take any action?" he asked.
Pastor Deacon Fred responded by saying, "It's true,
everything a Christian person does, is done in the name of
Jesus, since the word, Christian, means follower
of Christ. It's just that most of you liberal,
fake Christians don't read the WHOLE Bible. And there was a
whole mess of folks Jesus hacked to pieces for the least
little thing -- sometimes, just for stuff He thought they might
example, you don't see his Earth-daddy Joseph mentioned past
Jesus' volatile adolescence, but the gruesome way the skin
was peeled off his body like a grape never made it into the
Gospels because it would have rendered the Good News unsuitable
for small children and Jesus, of course, didn't want
that. But even
if you read what was left in, you'd understand that
followers of Jesus who are afraid to kill people, had better
find themselves a new religion that caters to peacenik
pansies. Believers in Christ will soon be called upon by our
Savior to fight by His side in the final battle of
Armageddon. And if you think human wars are bloody, just
wait to you see one of the Lord's wars!
Let me tell you: it's no place for sissies with weak
stomachs. Talk about murder and mayhem! What
many Bible illiterate Christians don't understand, is that
when you get saved, you are basically enlisting yourself in God's
army. When he calls you to active duty, there is no
backing down. When Jesus tells someone in His army to chop
unsaved people up into little pieces, or hack off an
evildoer's head with a garden hoe, they'd best be able to do
it in an instant, or the Lord will end up using you as a
human shield. If you are not for Jesus, you are against Him.
And if you are against Him, you are on the side of
Now, of course, we do honor the letter of Jesus' Word by
turning the other cheek. But, boy oh boy, have we got us one
cagey Savior! That
whole "oh, slap me again" routine is an excellent
way to catch your unsaved prey off guard, so you can kill
them when they least expect it.
Jesus was no dummy when it comes to tricking folks.
To help share the message of Christ's love and American
the filthy, uncivilized citizens of Iraq, Landover Baptist's
"Fellowship Hall" was converted into a makeshift
munitions factory in early February. The church also
performed munitions work in states without pesky waiting
laws (for guns, that is, not abortions). About half of the
initial manufacturing occurred in Texas where AK-47's, Uzi's,
rocket launchers and cruise missiles could be strapped to
the tops of church-owned Hummers destined
for airports with police applauding rather than pulling them
Thousands of homeless people in Des Moines have
mandatorily volunteered to give up their shelters and one
meal a day (not breakfast since it is the most important
meal of the day) in order to store and pay for nearly 4,000
cases of homemade hand grenades.
According to Fox News: "The success of this
typically perfect Republican initiate in Iowa led
America-loving towns throughout the Gore-hating corn-belt to
turn their glut of homeless shelters over for Mr. Bush's
divinely-inspired war effort."
"It almost brings a dewy tear of joy to my left eye,
to see wonderful Christian communities throughout this Godly
land, whipped up into a patriotic lather, evicting the
so-called homeless," observed Mrs.
Betty Bowers. "That
way, they will finally, once again, start living up to their
"These homeless folks gave up their beds to help the
war effort, and we expect that Jesus will be asking many
Christians across America to ask more homeless people to do
the same," said Brother Harry Hardwick. Rev. Deacon
Fred also thanked members of the Landover Baptist End Times
Rifle Club for teaching the Junior High Youth Group how to
safely work with explosives. "The whole church is
involved in getting these love packages together, and we
give God all the glory!" he said. "This is just a
warm up for the battle of Armageddon, and hopefully by the
time that occurs, we will have gotten this Arab killing
stuff down cold! Glory!"
The Landover Baptist website is not intended to be viewed by anyone under 18