How to Spot Atheists and
Report Them to the FBI
don't know that Atheists should be considered as citizens,
nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation
you're Catholic or have been
living in a cave for the last 20 years, you already know
that Landover Baptist's Pastor Deacon Fred and Brother Harry
Hardwick are the world's foremost Christian experts on the
disease, Atheism, and its carriers called, Atheists.
risked infection and death to speak at countless
Atheist conventions. Pastor
Hardwick recently remarked as a guest on "The No Spin
Zone:" "As long as there's twenty-four hour room
service and they pick up my first class airfare, I'll give
my 18.4 minute inspirational presentation to Lucifer
himself! Besides, a relaxing walk through the parking
lot outside an Atheist convention can harvest hundreds of
car tag numbers for the FBI's computers. And with Mr.
Ashcroft paying a dollar a tip, that can add up to a
complimentary tour of the hotel gift shop, my friend."
When not bringing financially sound believers to the
bosom of Christ, Hardwick and Fred dedicate their
lives to ferreting out and publicly exposing hell bound,
godless liberal trash. And outside of the demon-possessed
folks at the mental hospital who fling their own excrement
up your nose, Atheists are the worst kind of unsaved trash a
decent Christian will ever have the displeasure of rebuking.
Thankfully, there are not that many of them.
"I've got to tell you," says Pastor Deacon
Fred, "that from what I've seen in the last few years,
there are roughly 300 active Atheists living in
the United States. I know that sounds like a lot of godless
nuts, but I'm not exaggerating just to get your attention.
Atheism is becoming a very serious epidemic because
our projections show that within a mere eight years, our
country will no longer have prison space to hold all of
them. And that's not even taking into account the many folks
who don't have the guts to admit at the family dinner table
that they are Atheists, but spit in Christ's face in secret
by failing to get down on their knees and repeat all the
compliments He demands to hear. Most of the uncounted
Atheists are in the closet and are too sissified to handle
death threats from their Christian neighbors.
"They say they don't believe in stuff they can't
see, but they are the very same people who tell you that Ben
Affleck and that harlot, Jennifer Lopez, have talent!"
Brother Hardwick added, "Most of these closet Atheists
are so ignorant, it isn't worth even worrying about them.
Before they know it, their so-called Constitutional right to
run around thinking for themselves will soon be taken away
from them. My guess is that once
George W. Bush comes through on his daddy's edict, that most
of these selfish little renegade Atheist bastards will pick
Jesus over Jail in a heartbeat."
"We are no longer talking about that tiresome 'free
speech' thing," Mrs. Betty Bowers testified before a
closed session of Congress last Wednesday. "The coin of
the realm is rather emphatic in declaring, In God We
denying the Lord, these willful Atheists are rebuffing our
nation's sacred currency.
I don't know about all of you, but I can't think of
anything more un-American than refusing to accept legal
we have ourselves an issue of national security. As all of
you have enthusiastically endorsed by default, we are now
waging a Christian war against nations with gods that
unfairly compete with our own. How can an Atheist be counted
upon to raise a weapon and kill men, women and children for
your answer. Every
one of them is just an act of treason waiting to happen.
I ask all of you, since our country has taken to
killing non-Christian Arabs during interrogations, why have
our own domestic non-Christians been allowed to get off
can tell by the nodding of your heads that most of you see
where I am going with this and I thank you in advance for
your courage and faith."
As a result of this inspirational, secret meeting,
Landover Baptist has been called upon to draft legislation
to address the problem of Atheist traitors living like
cockroaches in our midst.
But you can do your part, too. If you are
reading this, you know of a practicing Atheist in your
community, and would like to report him to your local
police department, we'd like to tell you how simple it is
under the current Bush Administration. Most Christians
acknowledge that Atheists are so unpatriotic, that they
believe the September 11th attack on the World Trade Center
happened because there is no God to play favorites with
truth is that our Lord loves only the United States and
keeps a scorecard of folks who rub us the wrong way or don't
give us their natural resources at a reasonable price.
hills of Hades are going to be crawling with the Coalition
of the Unwilling, my friends," says Pastor Deacon Fred.
In any case, it's important for you to report any
(whether it comes from Catholics or full-blown Atheists) to
your local police department as soon as possible. Since the
President of the United States doesn't even consider
Atheists as citizens, and even acknowledges that they are a
threat to our country, it should be no problem getting these
so called "people" deported to France (The Home of
Atheism). Please use the list below as a guide to spot an
Atheist in your community.
Five Tips on How to Spot an Atheist
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