May 2003

Satan Reloads The Matrix

Film Review by Brother Harry Hardwick

Landover Baptist Pastor, Harry Hardwick attended an advanced screening of the new film, Matrix Reloaded, in a burned-out warehouse in Des Moines last weekend.  Two days later, he was found naked, unconscious and without his wallet, limply draped over a cot at the Pair O' Dice Luxury Motel on old Route 9. He was slated to give a Christian review of the film the following Sunday, but was confined to a hospital bed at the time. His secretary sat at his bedside to take down his notes on the film:    

For many years now, True Christians™ thought that the Oscar for "The Movie Most Demeaning to Christians" would never be wrestled away from its perennial winners, the Hollywood Jews.  Well, with Matrix Reloaded, that cabal of Christ-haters now has some serious competition.  This movie has Polish Catholics at the helm. If we need any reminder of the pernicious threat Polish Catholics pose to our American values, we need look no further than that crazy old coot, Pope John Paul II, who treats our nation's thousands of pubescent altar boys like his own personal petting zoo.  When I discovered that The Matrix was a trilogy, I should have known right away that the series was an open attack on my three-headed God: the angry Father, His loving Son, and their flying sidekick with superhero powers, the Holy Ghost. Mocking the concept of the Trinity is nothing new.  Nonbelievers filled with too much logic for their own good have always ridiculed the idea that folks that talk to each other in the Bible turn out to be the same person.  In fact, Jews, who are so easily distracted that they can only worship one god at a time, were on to the always-imaginative Mary Worshipers when they came up with the post-Biblical concept of the Trinity as a clever way to get around the fact that Christians seemed to be worshiping as many gods as those housecat-deifying Egyptians. In this Polish movie, there is even a female character called, “Trinity,” who we later find out is God.  That is sort of like what happened to the Supremes back in the 1960s, when they thought they were three-as-one, but woke up to find out that one of them was God.  

I’m going to tell you all about this movie and everything about the next movie as well.  Spoilers ahead, my friends!  If you want to save seven dollars and your soul, read on!  I must mention here that I didn't want to see this movie in the first place. I should have left the theater right away, but the young man whom I met in the alley outside the warehouse, insisted that we stay through the whole film.  Otherwise, he wouldn’t take me up to his room at the Pair O' Dice Luxury Motel afterward so I could have him come to the Lord.

Please bear with me; I’ve got a catheter stuck in my tally-whacker, so I’m going to be as brief as I can here.  It doesn’t take much imagination to see that the Matrix Trilogy is nothing more than an attempt to discredit God’s Divine Plan for the world.  Every True Christian™  recognizes God has a master plan for all True Christians™ – and some really nasty things to do to the rest of humanity as a vicious afterthought.  I've got to mention some things about the Lord here, because without his guidance, this movie wouldn't have made a lick of sense at all!

The Matrix Reloaded movie does everything it can to discredit the Lord's Divine Plan.  And in a larcenous appropriation of God's very own modus operandi,  it isn’t the least bit subtle in its efforts.  It appeals to youngsters whose degenerate parents have allowed them to spend more time surfing the wave of raw sewage that is the internet than reading their Bibles.  Whereas the Bible takes pains to anthropomorphize divinity in a way that can scare even a five-year-old, this film tries to cast the Lord in an even more accurate image of a perfect god.  He is no longer the emotional, forgetful human-like God of the Bible; He is an infallible machine.  They have turned God into a computer program called The Matrix.  Like God, the Matrix controls the lives of humans, providing for their every need and dictating their every action.  Like God with His "prophets," whenever any of its subjects become rebellious, the Matrix uses "agents" to torture and exterminate the troublemakers.  Natural disasters like floods, earthquakes, swarms of locusts and hailstorms of frogs have been replaced with more modern technological means of destruction.  But the end result is the same – accept, believe, and don't talk back or you will be destroyed.

Twice, God has been forced to punish unrepentant humans.  He evicted us from Heaven-on-Earth because Eve got some bad advice from a talking snake.  And when sin became more frequent, He killed every man, woman, child and unborn infant, save for a single family, with the Great Flood.  Similarly, in the Matrix Reloaded, humans’ decadent, deviant ways resulted in their total annihilation, thus necessitating that God/the Matrix take over their lives.

From what I recall in the movie, a small group of Satanists refuses to accept God.  They live far below the Earth’s surface, precisely where Hell lies in the real world.  They dress solely in black, Lucifer’s favorite color (after Labor Day).  And their “holy city”  lies in the center of the Earth (i.e., the middle of Hell).   In a breathtaking example of the power of Israel lobbyists, the name of the holy city was changed in pre-production from Munchkin-land to Zion and its short, colorful inhabitants were replaced by character-actors in cheap black hats who bob their pipe-cleaner curls while making annoying wailing noises every time they see a stone wall.  

By the end of the movie, most Christian viewers will realize that Lucifer is portrayed by Keanu Reeves.  Although Mr. Reeves' ease and naturalness in acting would, on first blush, seem to best qualify him for playing one of the machines, his resume makes him surprisingly well suited to play a character who breathes. Keanu Reeves not only played Satan’s son in “The Devil’s Advocate,” but is also a known homosexual who had a longtime affair with David Geffen, CEO of a record company known for producing albums with the voice of Satan when played backwards, which is indistinguishable from the voice of Avril Levine played forwards.  Before transforming into Satan, Reeves’ character was named Thomas Anderson to reflect his status as a “Doubting Thomas,” someone skeptical of the Lord’s Word.  He starts the evening just like Liza Minelli begins every morning: He is given a choice of two different fates by choosing to swallow either of two illicit pills, one blue and one bright red (the color of Satan's rump). While you never know which one Liza will go for, it goes without saying which pill Thomas chooses.  Upon becoming the Devil, he is renamed “Neo,” which literally means “new” and is a prefix for words that reflect new ideas, another attack on Christian thinking.  Neo’s followers recognize he is the Devil incarnate, leader of the underworld, by repeatedly referring to him as “The One,” which is yet one more veiled jab as Jesus, who has to share His throne with an old man and a bird.

The film only gets more insulting to wholesome American audiences with the introduction of Jada "Pinky" Smith, wearing a hairstyle so ugly even Christina Aguilera wouldn't leave her crack-den wearing it, and acting so masculine she makes Rosie O'Donnell look like Audrey Hepburn.  The only saving grace to watching this film was being able to yell invective and mockery at the old colored woman called, The Oracle.  Imagine, a descendent of Ham running around predicting everyone’s future!   It was also a real hoot to see Hollywood portray the leader of the attack on God (The Matrix) as a Negro named Morpheus.  Creation Science teaches us that's the name of the pagan Greek god of dreams.  In the third incarnation of this trash, there are characters named Zeus, Poseidon and Miss Cleo.

The first movie ended with Satan obtaining all his underworld powers and challenging God’s will.  In the second movie, Satan goes on a relentless tear to cause as many people to fall from grace as he possibly can.  I will gladly reveal the ending of this movie, and the final movie to be released in November, if you promise to accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior.  Please write to me at if you are interested.  I strongly suggest that all Christians refrain from attending this film.  If you are interested in finding some discussion points to speak to unsaved people about the movie, just ask your Pastor to see the film and tell you what it was about.   





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