Satan Reloads The Matrix
Film Review by Brother Harry Hardwick
Baptist Pastor, Harry Hardwick attended an advanced
screening of the new film, Matrix
Reloaded, in a burned-out warehouse in Des Moines
last weekend. Two
days later, he was found naked, unconscious and without his
wallet, limply draped over a cot at the Pair O' Dice Luxury
Motel on old Route 9.
He was slated to give a Christian review of the film the
following Sunday, but was confined to a hospital bed at the
time. His secretary sat at his bedside to take down his
notes on the film:
For many years now, True Christians™ thought that the Oscar for "The Movie Most Demeaning to Christians" would never be wrestled away from its perennial winners, the Hollywood Jews. Well, with Matrix Reloaded, that cabal of Christ-haters now has some serious competition. This movie has Polish Catholics at the helm. If we need any reminder of the pernicious threat Polish Catholics pose to our American values, we need look no further than that crazy old coot, Pope John Paul II, who treats our nation's thousands of pubescent altar boys like his own personal petting zoo. When I discovered that The Matrix was a trilogy, I should have known right away that the series was an open attack on my three-headed God: the angry Father, His loving Son, and their flying sidekick with superhero powers, the Holy Ghost. Mocking the concept of the Trinity is nothing new. Nonbelievers filled with too much logic for their own good have always ridiculed the idea that folks that talk to each other in the Bible turn out to be the same person. In fact, Jews, who are so easily distracted that they can only worship one god at a time, were on to the always-imaginative Mary Worshipers when they came up with the post-Biblical concept of the Trinity as a clever way to get around the fact that Christians seemed to be worshiping as many gods as those housecat-deifying Egyptians. In this Polish movie, there is even a female character called, “Trinity,” who we later find out is God. That is sort of like what happened to the Supremes back in the 1960s, when they thought they were three-as-one, but woke up to find out that one of them was God.
I’m going to tell you all about this
movie and everything about the next movie as well.
Spoilers ahead, my friends! If you want to save seven
your soul, read on! I must mention here that I
didn't want to see this movie in the first place. I
should have left the theater right away, but the young man
whom I met in the alley outside the warehouse, insisted that
we stay through the whole film.
Otherwise, he wouldn’t take me up to his room at the Pair O' Dice Luxury Motel afterward so I
could have him come to the Lord.
Please bear with me; I’ve got a
catheter stuck in my tally-whacker, so I’m going to
be as brief as I can here.
It doesn’t take much imagination to see that the
Matrix Trilogy is nothing more than an attempt to discredit
God’s Divine Plan for the world.
Every True Christian™
recognizes God has a master plan for all True
Christians™ – and some really nasty things to do to the
rest of humanity as a vicious afterthought.
I've got to mention some things about the Lord here, because
without his guidance, this movie wouldn't have made a lick
of sense at all!
Reloaded movie does everything it can to discredit
the Lord's Divine
Plan. And in a
larcenous appropriation of God's very own modus
operandi, it isn’t the least bit subtle in its efforts.
It appeals to youngsters whose degenerate parents
have allowed them to spend more time surfing the wave of raw
sewage that is the internet than reading their Bibles.
Whereas the Bible takes pains to anthropomorphize divinity
in a way that can scare even a five-year-old, this film tries to cast the Lord in an even more
accurate image of a perfect god.
He is no longer the emotional, forgetful human-like
God of the Bible; He is an infallible machine.
They have turned God into a computer program called
The Matrix. Like
God, the Matrix controls the lives of humans, providing for
their every need and dictating their every action.
Like God with His "prophets," whenever any of its
subjects become rebellious, the Matrix uses "agents" to
torture and exterminate the troublemakers.
Natural disasters like floods, earthquakes, swarms of
locusts and hailstorms of frogs have been replaced with more
modern technological means of destruction.
But the end result is the same – accept, believe,
and don't talk back or you will be destroyed.
Twice, God has been forced to punish
unrepentant humans. He
evicted us from Heaven-on-Earth because Eve got some bad
advice from a talking
when sin became more frequent, He killed every man, woman,
child and unborn infant, save for a single family, with the
Great Flood. Similarly,
in the Matrix
Reloaded, humans’ decadent, deviant ways resulted
in their total annihilation, thus necessitating that God/the
Matrix take over their lives.
From what I recall in the movie, a
small group of Satanists refuses to accept God.
They live far below the Earth’s surface, precisely
where Hell lies in the real world.
They dress solely in black, Lucifer’s favorite
color (after Labor Day).
And their “holy city”
lies in the center of the Earth (i.e., the middle of
a breathtaking example of the power of Israel lobbyists, the
name of the holy city was changed in pre-production from Munchkin-land
to Zion and its short, colorful inhabitants were
replaced by character-actors in cheap black hats who bob
their pipe-cleaner curls while making annoying wailing
noises every time they see a stone wall.
By the end of the movie, most Christian
viewers will realize that Lucifer
is portrayed by Keanu Reeves.
Although Mr. Reeves' ease and naturalness in acting
would, on first blush, seem to best qualify him for playing
one of the machines, his resume makes him surprisingly well
suited to play a character who breathes. Keanu Reeves
not only played Satan’s son in “The Devil’s
Advocate,” but is also a known homosexual who had a
longtime affair with David
Geffen, CEO of a record company known for producing
albums with the voice of Satan when played backwards, which
is indistinguishable from the voice of Avril Levine played
transforming into Satan, Reeves’ character was named
Thomas Anderson to reflect his status as a “Doubting
Thomas,” someone skeptical of the Lord’s Word.
He starts the evening just like Liza Minelli begins
every morning: He is given a choice of two different fates
by choosing to swallow either of two illicit pills, one blue
and one bright red
(the color of Satan's rump). While you never know which one
Liza will go for, it goes
without saying which pill Thomas
becoming the Devil, he is renamed “Neo,” which literally
means “new” and is a prefix for words that reflect new
ideas, another attack on Christian thinking.
Neo’s followers recognize he is the Devil
incarnate, leader of the underworld, by repeatedly referring
to him as “The One,” which is yet one more veiled jab as
Jesus, who has to share His throne with an old man and a
The film only gets more insulting to
wholesome American audiences with the introduction of Jada
"Pinky" Smith, wearing a hairstyle so ugly even
Christina Aguilera wouldn't leave her crack-den wearing it, and acting so
masculine she makes Rosie O'Donnell look like
Audrey Hepburn. The
only saving grace to watching this film was being able to yell
invective and mockery at the old colored woman called, The
a descendent of Ham running around predicting everyone’s
was also a real hoot to see Hollywood portray the leader of
the attack on God (The Matrix) as a Negro named Morpheus.
teaches us that's the name of the pagan Greek
god of dreams. In
the third incarnation of this trash, there are characters
named Zeus, Poseidon and Miss Cleo.
The first movie ended with Satan
obtaining all his underworld powers and challenging God’s
will. In the
second movie, Satan goes on a relentless tear to cause as
many people to fall from grace as he possibly can.
I will gladly
reveal the ending of this movie, and the final movie to be
released in November, if you promise to accept Jesus Christ
as your personal savior.
Please write to me at email@example.com
if you are interested.
I strongly suggest that all Christians
refrain from attending this film.
If you are interested in finding some discussion
points to speak to unsaved people about the movie, just ask
your Pastor to see the film and tell you what it was about.
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