June 2003

Universal Studios Pays Jim Carrey $20 Million to Squat Down and Poop on the Holy Bible

There's Only One God Almighty, and His Name is Not Bruce! 

Don't American Christians have enough problems being mocked for their faith these days? How does Hollywood get away with stealing ideas that religious people hold so dear to their hearts? They twist our sacred Bible stories of talking animals and bushes until they appear to be almost comical. Creating a film that purposely spits a runny phlegm ball of blasphemy the size of a jellyfish into the eye of Christ for financial gain is nothing new for Hollywood's dreidel truth-spinning pack of Manischewitz-swilling Jews. In plush offices, they flop around naked on piles of filthy money, counting box office receipts and giggling like little school girls, whispering secrets. Well, it's no secret what these Jews are trying to do to Jesus Christ.  As Pastor Deacon Fred says, "You can't kill the Lord twice, my friends!  Jesus won’t even let his Daddy pull that one again! You'd think these liberal Christ-haters in Helly-wood would have learned that by now!  They're just frustrated because Jesus is going to roast them all in an eternal furnace of fire and there isn't a ding-dang thing they can do about it except to continuously try to undermine our Christian faith and religion with their movies."

American Christians today are currently distracted by trying to maintain their Godly standard of living in the eroding economy that Bill Clinton created, but they are not so distracted that they don't notice actor, Jim Carrey, on their TV set during prime time, pulling out his long, skinny tally-whacker and spraying a steaming hot blast of unholy urine into the camera - trying to short out the circuits of everything America  holds sacred!  "He pretty much seals his eternal fate with this movie," says Landover Baptist film critic, Kathy Ann Hargraves. "He's just like Judas, betraying Christ for a few pieces of silver that were well below market price. At least Jesus' life seems to have gone up in value to these modern Jews.  They are now paying people $20 million a pop for betrayal. Mr. Carrey knows that $20 million will take him a whole lot further in this world than thirty pieces of silver - but in the end he will be bent over next to Judas in Hell, with a pitch fork rammed so far up his rump that the points will come right out of his twisting, comical, little mouth. What a sight to behold! To see that scrawny runt in such pain! Cross-eyed, and writhing his skinny mole-riddled body, lips twisted in that grotesque style of his! Only this time, it will be the Christians who are laughing! And we won't have to waste seven dollars to see it.  We'll be watching it for free -  from our box seats in Heaven. Shout, Glory to God!"

Christian counselors reported earlier this year that people were coming into their offices in tears, visibly upset when they heard news that a movie was being made in which actor, Morgan Freeman, was going to turn God into a black street detective. When word got out that Freeman just had a bit role, and it was really actor, Jim Carrey, who was going to play God, people were relieved - that is, until they found out the movie was a comedy and that Jim Carrey was getting paid $20 million to squat down and poop on the Holy Bible. Now, there is a final consensus among all True Christians™ in regard to this film. That is, the only thing almighty about "Bruce Almighty" is the almighty Hell that Jim Carrey will have to endure for signing a contract with the Devil to make this film.

"Anything outside of a church that takes the Holy Bible and twists its words for financial gain is an abomination of desolation!" Pastor Deacon Fred said in a sermon last Sunday. "And to do it under the guise of parody or comedy is unacceptable! Please tell me that Hollywood's poison well of sick ideas has not run so dry that they resort to stealing from God Almighty! God shot his creative wad with a book called, The Holy Bible, my friends! And He has been kicking Himself ever since for not copyrighting that sucker!   Just thinking about all those lost royalties was enough to make Him unleash a ferocious slue of tornadoes across America's rusty trailer parks last month. Fortunately, we at Landover Baptist were not so lackadaisical about our assets and went ahead and copyrighted both the New and Old Testaments in 1941.

Now, God may be forgetful, but He will not be mocked!  (Of course, if you mock Him, He may forget about it, so you will be OK.  But eventually it will catch up with you if you do it as much as those Hollywood liberals).  Nor will his followers accept what is blatant copyright infringement on their faith! Under the so-called guise of parody, the creators of Bruce Almighty think they can slip under the radar undetected! Well, your time has come! We don't have a homo-loving, tree hugger in bed with the Hollywood elite running this country anymore! We have a True Christian™ in office. And that True Christian's™ name is President George W. Bush! We can only pray that since we helped get him elected, he will follow through on his promise to rid the world of vile, sacrilegious nonsense like this film!

Members of the Landover Baptist Church obtained 104 signatures and filed suit against Universal Pictures for copyright violations on the Holy Bible in a federal court on May 29th. "We're praying that this case will overturn the parody law that has caused Brother Falwell so much suffering over the years," said Pastor Deacon Fred. Fellow pew-jumping Christian, John Ashcroft, has promised Landover that the parody law will indeed need to be overturned "one way or another."





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